I'm going to have Jon Stewart's babies. Well, I mean, ones he hasn't yet had. Could there be a more perfect man that walks the earth? I think not.

The Academy Awards are always a bit of a religious experience for me. Each year, I pray to the house of Oscar like the faithful observer I am. Why am I so obsessed with this long, drawn out awards show? Well, my answer is a secret, but I'll share it with you if you promise not to tell.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've practiced my own personal acceptance speech for when I am awarded my Oscar for Best Actress. (Do you really think I'd only earn the Supporting Actress prize? Please, like anyone could upstage me.) Over the years, I've stood in front of the bathroom mirror, hairbrush in hand, and planned every moment of my acceptance speech right down to whom I'd dedicate my award. Of course, the dedication has changed over time. It started out as a dedication to my Cabbage Patch Kids, though Barbie ended up beating them out the next year. As I got older, real life people started to earn my dedicated love and admiration. Of course, I always knew my parents would be named, but I wanted to attach various other people to the mix. One person who has remained is my all time favorite professor who helped me discover myself in a way no one else had done before. I took a year long acting class with him and discovered so many facets of myself that I've forever been changed. Besides, I was his favorite student