Dear Mom,
You win for weirdest, most confusing Christmas gift ever. Congratulations. I would send a trophy, but since I'm trying to be better about not collecting and saving crap, I should probably not send other people useless crap trophies. Plus, it would just sit on the end of the dining room table for two weeks, then Dad would hide it in a garbage bag in the basement alley for two weeks, then move it to the garbage can when you didn't ask where it might be. So, I'll just put the imaginary trophy in my garbage can up here and save the postage. I don't mean to be an asshole, but I am, so I will tell you to please save the postage the next time you get the urge to go nuts at the international market and ship me the proceeds. I have no idea what to do with a can of squid ink, agar agar, gelt and dehydrated pho. It was more confusing than funny.
Merry Christmas.