Please, god, portland can't absorb another beard into the fold. I pray every night for a second Passover, a "beardover" if you will, to occur and wipe out these unclean and unshaven fools from our midst. A murderous midnight miracle sent from on high ( or, if you choose mine hand to carry out your work, so be it).

In your infinite wisdom you scourged the plague of metrosexuals from your flock nigh, ten years ago. They have returned, enshrouded in facial hair and I feel thine wrath building again, oh lord. Please, relieve us from our suffering and cast these abominations into the pit of eternal damnation.