I was enjoying a nice walk downtown one sunny afternoon. Until you nearly hit me with your speeding car while I was in the middle of a marked crosswalk.

As you yelled “Get a horse!” out your open window, I began sprinting towards your car. Thankfully the red light was only a block away; so when the light turned green, I was able to make a flying grab at your rear bumper. Holding on for dear life while you careened in and out of traffic, I valiantly (and mightily) pulled myself up to the roof of your accelerating automobile. From there, I reached through your still open window and turned the wheel sharply. Leaping from the car at the last possible moment, I landed deftly while your car rolled several times before mercifully coming to a stop. As I strolled up to the mangled wreckage, I was surprised to see you getting to your feet with just a few scratches. “Horse THIS!” I bellowed as I unleashed a righteous uppercut that sent you flying back towards the arriving police force. Smoking a cigarette from a distance, I shook my head and scoffed a few times while watching the police lay several tickets at your unconscious feet. Turning and sauntering into the sunset, a sense of contentment settled over me as I realized this is EXACTLY how I always dreamed such encounters would end.