Dear former landlord,

You fucking lied to us. After renting out your house for 3 years, you said you wanted to sell it and would like us to buy it. We got all our stuff in order and qualified for the agreed amount. You hemmed and hawed as everything was going as planned and then you decided that you wanted to move back in and fix it up for more money, as our lease expired. Pretty tricky!
On the last month of living there, we both took turns shitting whilst in the shower and squishing the logs down the drain with our feet. We did this until the drain stopped draining. We put raw shrimp in the heat ducts, pissed a ton of asparagus pee into the dryer, and put a hefty supply of nail clippings under the burners on the stove.
Enjoy your $ummer!