Dear shiftless co-worker:

Could you not fucking shove food in your lazy gullet while talking on the phone to customers (horrible) or other colleagues (stupid)? It's so fucking nasty to hear sloppy, muffled words between chomps of high calorie trash, and you think that people on the other end have not idea? When food goes in, words can't come out. BARFBAG.

I realize that maybe you don't the fundamental proto-human organizational skills to figure out when in your miserable "busy" day you can stuff your face - between (1) mindlessly talking to your friends on the phone about aimless bullshit, (2) checking facebook all the fucking time as if there is a world where that matters, (3) chatting with other shiftless, loser co-workers about nothing, and, of course, (4) performing a mediocre-at-best, but more like unbelievably shitty-on-average job, it's hard, I know. But eat or talk, Dummy, not both.

Some of us productive folks who have to metaphorically wipe your ass and carry your dead weight are distracted by your offensive grossness. We would all gladly pool funds to get you a huge fucking 24K gold-encrusted E for Effort that you can hang on your cube wall next to pictures of your futile life, if you only figured out how to operate with a minimal of level self-awareness and mutual respect. Prove my heart wrong by being better. And wipe your phone off from time to time. Jesus. H. Christ, ESQ.