I was depressed for a long time that "insert dude's name" didn't want me anymore and left me for you. Rejection sucks and sometimes I take rejection with a shot of self torture. I let my curiosity get the best of me and put your name into a search engine. Then I found something that seemed like it could have been written for The Onion, but it was Your Blog: with over 20 pages of different entries and updates about your white dreadlocks, comments about how you didn't realize some people might take offense at them as an act of cultural appropriation (seriously?) and the cream of the crop: birthday celebrations for them. You've inspired me to start my next blog, which will be about the journey of my armpit hair. It's going to be a bit hard to get both my face and an armpit into the number of selfies required to keep up with your blog's standards, but thank you for setting the bar so high.