Here we are, a couple decades into the trend where all the pasty white families whose grandparents fled the urban core have COME BACK. We're here and we like it! It's so quaint and authentic! It's everything we were told a city should be— after we do a little remodeling, of course. It’s completely the opposite of that vapid suburban dreck we grew up with and hate. Hate!!!

So hand over those beat up victorian mansions so we can restore them, or better yet, bulldoze and replace them with something modern and industrial-inspired. Dig the rough-hewn details and corrugated metal panels— it hearkens back to the day when people still MADE stuff, you know. We could learn a thing or two from all that honesty and craftspersonship, if you ask me.

Now add a few restaurants and boutiques... perfect! We've achieved utopia and we bought in early while inner SE was cheap (hey, $800k is cheap compared to SoCal, you know). Now to sit back, relax and raise a family in our greenwashed wonderland...

OH SHIT WHAT? There's an industrial neighborhood nearby? With factories and chemicals and smoke-belching trains?!? Why didn't my realtor warn me?! How is this possible in this day and age? I mean, there's a New Seasons down the street and everything!!

Next you'll tell me the entire river is a superfund site / dirty-needle toilet and that there's lead paint on my ironic lawn jockey statues!

Maybe our ancestors were right about the suburbs after all.