JURASSIC PARK Ian Malcolm is amazing with his shirt off.

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I MISS Dr. Ian Malcolm. Another brainiac, Frasier Crane, lived a full second life after Cheers with Frasier. The biggest mistake ever made in the Jurassic Park universe (aside from that gymnast girl in The Lost World, ugh, she was the worst) was Malcolm not getting his own spinoff. Guess who's got some ideas for Ian Malcom spinoffs, inspired by other successful spinoffs?! I DO.

Better Call Malcolm. Like Better Call Saul, this would place our most charming guy into a less stressful environment where he can problem-solve, quip, and shine without pesky dinosaurs hogging the action.

JP: Miami. Usually nerdy intellectuals don't like the heat, but Ian Malcolm is amazing with his shirt off so why not? He could solve crimes.

Ian! Like Joey! or Rhoda! This would be challenging because Ian Malcolm would have to be either a bumbling moron or insecure about his looks. YEAH, RIGHT. NEVER MIND!

Nublar Place. In this Aaron Spelling evening soap, it's not just the dinosaurs causing mayhem and biting!

A Different Lost World. Dr. Ian Malcolm heads off to college (for another Ph.D. or something? Work this out later....) and learns that science isn't only for white people.

Law & Order: Math Intent. How many equations does it take... to solve a murder? DUN DUN.

The Factors of Life. Dr. Ian Malcolm as a housemother for a bunch of misfits. I think this show would be my favorite. They could teach each other so damn much! I'd let him talk me through an abortion, for sure.

Ian Does. I've never seen Chelsea Does on Netflix, but this would be awesome because it would just be Dr. Ian Malcolm wandering around, asking people questions, talking to himself in cars, etc. Episodes could include "Ian Does Math," "Ian Does Divorce," and the most exciting prospect, "Ian Does Me."

Are you listening, Hollywood?! It's not too late!