Hello! And welcome to This Week in Vaginas. To kick us off on a high note, I’d like to look ahead to policies President Trump will enact once he’s inaugurated in a month. (If that sounded like a sentence from a Roland Emmerich film about a post-apocalyptic American dystopia, that’s because it probably is).
Two months ago, Jessica Drake, an adult film star, accused President-Elect Trump of grabbing and kissing her against her will. His response was, “Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
While it’s difficult to legislate based on presidential sarcasm, I think I can help enact his policy by ghost-writing a bill for some of my favorite congressmen.
Senate Bill # S 3434
Grab or Nah?: The Federal Classification-of-Women-for-the-Purpose-of-Grabbification Act
Senators Penis Von Johnson-haver, Howie McDareyou, and That Guy Who Hasn’t Had Sex in 20 Years and Is Super Pissed About It introduce the following resolution, which will be referred immediately to the Committee on Lady Things That Frighten Us.
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, that: Women who have a lot of sex are gross. They’re gross and we would never ply them with alcohol in a seedy DC bar called “Doc’s,” and due to the aforementioned grossness, they forego their right to any personal agency regarding the grabbing of any area of their lady business, be it uptown or downtown or in the deep southwest or southeast*, depending on which way they are facing. Therefore, this act amends the Constitution to require:
1. Female virgins must wear fluffy angora sweaters, plaid skirts, and saddle shoes to indicate their allowance of personal agency and un-touchability. Those feathery scrunchies from the “Oops I Did It Again” video are optional.
2. Women who have had sex with two or more partners shall wear a red “S” (some might refer to this color as “scarlet,” but due to the recent decision in “Johansson v. U.S.,” we’re calling it “red.”). This “S” indicates “Semi-slutty,” which would allow non-consented users to go to first base, but would expressly prohibit rounding first and attempting to steal second.
3. Women who have had sex with 5-10 partners shall wear a scarlet “R” for “Really slutty,” which would allow users to go to second base, above-the-clothes (AKA “Trump-style”) at will, as long as said woman wasn’t breast feeding, operating heavy machinery, or Angela Merkel.
4. Women who have had sex with more than 10 partners and/or have sex for money on film or in private shall be required to wear a thong bikini at all times for easy access to their lady bits, unless they live in Minnesota, Illinois, or Amish Country, in which case they may wear Daisy Dukes with a rabbit coat and Uggs.
i. The Jessica Drake Addendum to S.3434.4: Any woman who has been grabbed before, regardless of her sexual status, offers implied and immediate permission to all who would venture to grab her again because no backsies.
Note: Penalties for non-compliance with this act include, but are not limited to, lesser pay for similar jobs, the constant denial of the existence of sexism, and ceilings made of insubstantial, borderline dangerous materials that could cave in at any time and probably will. SOON.
So, you’re welcome, President-Elect Trump. Feel free to use this and you don’t even have to credit me. (In fact, maybe don’t.) I’m available to help with policy whenever you need. Tweet at me. At 3 am. Like you do.