Welcome to “What’s She Mad About Now?,” the column formerly known as “This Week in Vaginas.” If you’ve been reading along, you know that I recently asked for some feedback on a new name for this space, which generally covers issues relating to the ladies and lady business. It was brought to my attention that the vag-centric previous title was trans-exclusionary, so I made some other suggestions which you, the people, voted on.

Your favorite new title was “How Fucked Are We, Exactly?,” which I like because we’re super fucked so there would always be something to write about, but I wanted something that at least had a tinge of womanliness. I like what we landed on due to the possibility of the following exchange:

Claire: Have you read What’s She Mad About Now? this week?

Maude: No. What’s she mad about now?

And now that you’ve asked, I’d like to begin the column by getting a few things I’m mad about off my ample bosom:

1. The fact that I’ll never have a meal alone with Mike Pence. I’ve always had this fantasy that he and I would put on our Dad ’n’ Mom jeans and take a trip to Chick-fil-A where we would chat underneath the warm fluorescent lights about how Planned Parenthood once helped me find a wayward condom in my vagina, which would convince him to keep them around. Now that’ll never happen.

2. That the EPA is dying, so the world is going to be overtaken by water and that means we’re getting the Waterworld dystopian future instead of the Blade Runner dystopian future and that is a TRAGEDY because I’d much rather deal with violent replicants than drink my own pee with Kevin Costner.

3. The sheer number of ads about crepey skin I get fed by Google when all I want to do is find out how many calories there are in a bottle of champagne. (It’s 570.) It’s not that crepey, Google. I’ll let you know when I reach peak crepe.

4. That I can’t really fault Melania for costing us more than $140 million a year to live in New York because while she’s unquestionably complicit in her husband’s rise, asking a person to sit across the table from that man every morning and listen to him chew seems like an act that flouts the Geneva Conventions.

5. That Ivanka Trump is perceived by anyone, anywhere, as a feminist.

6. The fact that I’ve decided to stop eating sugar at a time when they’ve just started scratching the surface on cookie butter technology.

7. That we don’t force Congress to switch to whatever national health care plan they want to enact.

8. When a grocery store check-out person says something like, “Having chili tonight, huh?,” thereby quashing my fantasy that they have some weird Item Amnesia that keeps them from noticing all my weird food and non-food purchases.

9. That weird rattling noise in my car whose source I can’t identify.

10. That parents can’t tell kids not to lie anymore because that’s apparently how one becomes president now.

11. That thing where you accidentally press the “FaceTime” button on your laptop when you’re lying in bed typing and the camera comes on and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HOW DID WINSTON CHURCHILL’S BLOATED CORPSE GET IN MY BED?

12. That Trump has completely ruined being grabbed by the pussy.

I think that’s about it for now. Moving forward, I’ll probably just concentrate on one or two items that are currently pissing me off, but it was good to get this list out of my system. Thanks for listening.