Missouri House Votes to Tighten Abortion Regulations Even Further

Jefferson City, MO (AP)—Last week Missouri’s house voted to tighten their state’s abortion restrictions, including overturning an ordinance preventing employers and housing providers from discriminating against women based on whether they’d had an abortion, or were currently taking birth control.

This week Governor Eric Greitens is expected to sign another bill that will tighten restrictions even further.

SB 7, the new bill, begins by forbidding fertile women who are not interested in childbearing from attending Ryan Gosling films. According to Greitens, it “puts them into an impure mindset that may eventually lead to a pregnancy out of wedlock.” The governor cites Gosling’s “insane abs” as the source of the problem.

When asked which films these women could attend instead, Greitens suggested “...a nice Craig T. Nelson vehicle, or perhaps something starring Steve Buscemi.”

The bill then goes further, restricting unmarried St. Louis women from swimming in public pools, working out in a coed gym, or attending church socials without homemade blueberry crumbles.

“All these acts lead to lascivious thoughts,” said the bill’s sponsor, State Senator Andrew Koenig, “which lead to coitus, pregnancy, and possible abortions. Women should consider staying at home until they’re ready for childbirth to avoid these dangerous distractions.”

Other events, products, or activities the bill requires women to avoid for fear of arousal include:

• A particularly brisk breeze
• A heated game of Jenga
• Axe body spray
• The fervent embrace of a tender lover
• Having a pizza delivered
• Merging
• Margaritas
• Free will
• Large grapefruit
• Any type of melon • Winnebagos
• The Prime Minister of Canada
• Accidentally eating the same piece of spaghetti as your date, then sucking it into your mouth at the same time as they do so your mouths meet
• Ambling, strolling or meandering
• Your own bra
• Gratuitous tongue
• Balsa wood candles
• Peter Cetera songs
• Voting
• The Macarena
• Screaming fights with people you’re secretly in love with
• Jerky

Greitens says that he hopes to lift these restrictions as soon as they can get “the whole abortion thing under control,” but until then women need to understand that this is for their own good.

“We all make sacrifices,” Greitens adds. “I had to use non-dairy creamer in my coffee this morning. It was horrifying.”