Allison Kerek

They say if you see one cockroach, that’s a sign there are hundreds nearby. So if the Shitshow in Charlottesville and the continuing non-response from our president is any indication, we have a nasty national Nazi infestation brewing that’s only going to get worse. 

So where are the best places to look for a Nazi infestation in your area? Good question. Here are a few spots where increased awareness can help:

Outdoor Decor area at Home Depot: If you see a young, soft white man purchasing a bouquet of Tiki torches, he may be a Nazi. [Note: Gay men also periodically purchase Tiki torches for their tropically themed backyards. If you’re having trouble discerning whether a Tiki torch-buyer is a Nazi, invite him for brunch. If he says he has a strata recipe he’s been dying to try, he may not be a Nazi.]

The Men’s Department at Kohl’s: If he has a pair of Dockers and a white polo shirt in his pile and his mother is paying, he’s probably a Nazi.

The Dark Web: Since Reddit, Facebook, and GoDaddy have been banning Nazis, this is where they’ve been scurrying. So if you were shopping for a crop top and accidentally ended up on AlphaBay Market, where they sell things like fraudulent identity documents and hacked accounts (this happens to me all the time), you may be dealing with a Nazi.

Thanksgiving at your Uncle Bill’s house: Are you white? Does your uncle talk a lot about “the Blacks”? Did your Aunt Cheryl say Trump just got in trouble because he was “speaking from his heart about ‘our’ lost heritage”? Did your cousin Hank get a swastika tattoo “as a goof”? Then you may be eating mashed potatoes next to Nazi apologists, Nazis-in-transition, or straight-up Nazis.

These situations are a little more complicated, but here are some tips:

If they’re currently just racist and haven’t yet even considered Nazism, great! Simply tell them to cut that shit out. The time for politeness and protecting family ties is over. At this point, indifference is no longer passive—you’re making a deliberate choice to allow a festering boil of humanity to grow. So speak up, and let’s Make Thanksgiving Un-Racist Again (#MTUA)!

If a Nazi apologist hasn’t yet started their transition, the most important thing you can do is comment on how much you love the song they wrote, the rug they hooked, or the oil painting of their dog dressed as Colonel Sanders. Hitler was a failed artist, and who knows how much pain we could’ve saved the world if the Vienna Arts Academy hadn’t told him that his paintings showed “notably a lack of appreciation of the human form.” Right after that, though, you should definitely call up Schindler’s List on Amazon and remind them who the villains were.

And finally, if they’re already a Nazi, don’t fucking eat mashed potatoes next to them. Or eat mashed potatoes next to them, but only to discern where their next meeting is so you can tell the FBI.

The point is, it’s time to be vigilant. If you see something, say something. Even if what you say is, “Hey, Uncle Bill. Stop being such an asshole.”