In the past eight months, many people have expressed concern that our current president is a “toddler.” If you’re truly interested in putting these concerns to rest, there are some simple questions you can ask.
Is your president messy?
Toddlers are just discovering their world, so they love to get their tiny hands into virtually everything and just create chaos, like painting on the wall with finger paints, learning what “DACA” means only after ending it, or accidentally imperiling the forward headquarters of the United States Central Command by accusing Qatar of being a state sponsor of terrorism. These are all classic toddler moves, so if you see them, check to see if your president’s hands are dirty.
Is your president like a tiny information sponge?
Toddlers are brand new to the world, so they’re constantly learning new things, like how hurricane supplies go into the bed of a truck instead of the cab, or that Nazis are the bad guys in every single movie except Triumph of the Will. If your president seems to learn something every day that would not be news to a reasonably well-educated two-year-old, he might be a toddler.
Does your president not understand consequences?
Does he get excited about things like the fact that a natural disaster during his presidency is larger than natural disasters under other presidents? This could be because your president hasn’t yet seen enough examples of cause and effect, so he doesn’t understand the destruction, pain, and suffering that the “huge” natural disaster he’s so excited about will cause. This could mean you’ve elected a toddler. [NOTE: It could also be that your president understands the pain and suffering perfectly, but doesn’t care. In this case, please refer to the second guide in this series, "How to Tell if You've Accidentally Elected a Psychopath to Run Your Federal Republic." ]
Does your president throw tantrums?
Toddlers are just learning that they don’t have any control over their lives, so they seek to gain that lost control by throwing tantrums over the silliest things—going down for a nap, feuds with other kids who host morning television shows, or Pew Research polls. Many have heard of the Terrible Twos, but a smart federal republic will also watch out for the Terrible 71s.
Is your president just learning to communicate?
Toddlers are often pre-verbal, so they may do a lot of pointing, using awkward hand gestures, or using words like “pussy,” “fire and fury,” or “I have a great relationship with the Blacks” without understanding their meaning or consequences (see question above).
Is your president a fussy eater?
In the same way he has tantrums to exert control over the world around him, you may see your president attempting to exert his independence by refusing to eat foods with complex flavors or demanding two scoops of ice cream while the press pool only gets one. This behavior is standard toddler fare, and should only be addressed if your president begins hucking the offending complex foods at other heads of state.
If you answered “yes” to five or more of these questions, congratulations! You’ve elected a toddler! Your next step should be to apply for an extended travel visa to literally anywhere but your own country. Next time, check this space for another helpful guide, “How to Tell if Your Federal Republic Is Filled with Racist Fuckknobs.”