Can someone please explain why "upscale" restaurants and bakeries etc. have their (Mexican) employees out spraying the sidewalks in the morning with a hose? I saw one this morning spraying not only their entryway but the curb, the bus shelter, etc. And they are not the only culprits.
Is it a) so important to this business that their underpaid staff be seen looking busy literally every second whether there is a logical purpose or not; b) that they can be seen as so upscale they can afford to waste finite and expensive water resources by literally dumping it on the ground for no rational purpose; c) that their customers are so rarefied and delicate that the presence of a dirty curb ten yards from a business will put them off their brunch (but that these same customers will have no problem with the food or waitstaff and will tip fairly)?
Before I judged an eating establishment for having a dirty sidewalk, I would judge them for blocking pedestrian traffic flow on a busy sidewalk, soaking the ground on one of our rare sunny days, being profligately wasteful, sending their "colored man" out to do demeaning tasks for esoteric rationale just because they can, etc. I don't care if I sound all Portlandia here.

You annoy the ever living hell out of me, but we're stuck together so let's make this amicable or I'm going to break your fucking kneecaps.

Thanks!

When there is an emergency vehicle behind you with sirens and flashing lights, pull the fuck over and stop like you're supposed to. Would you like it to be you or your loved ones that these people are trying to help when some asshole can't be bothered to pull over and stop? Yeah, that's what I thought. I hope the cops catch you at this and nail your ass to the wall.

This is specifically directed at all the lovely folks down at the 24 Hour Fitness located downtown, but I bet everyone else could learn a thing or two:

1. Stop hogging the machines to just a) play with your smartphone/iPod, b) chat with one of your buddies, c) just sit idly whilst doing nothing

2. Quit leaving the cardio machines drenched in your sweat. You can clean up after yourself, you're an adult.

3. Specifically for guys: STOP wearing Axe in the gym, you smell horrible and some people are allergic to perfumes/cannot breathe around you.

4. Don't refuse to share reps on a machine, that just makes you a douche-bag.

5. Remove the weights from the bench presses so the rest of us know when they're not in use. You're at the gym: no excuse to be lazy.

6. STOP leaving your bloody Band-Aids all over the locker room floor. It's DISGUSTING. What the hell is wrong with you?

7. Shower off before getting into the pool/hot tub. That's what those showers are there for and no one wants to swim in your sweat. Ick.

6. Specifically for straight men: We live in a metropolitan city, there are gay/bi men here. Chances are, someone is going to check you out. Get over it. The rest of us don't want to hear about your homophobia, especially because it seems that you "doth protest much."

7. With the advent of the Internets, you don't really need to pick up people at the gym. It's not classy, it's nasty. Most of us want to work out in piece.

8. Stop flexing in the mirror. You look dumb.

Hey guys, I'm sitting here right now as your precious little spawn is bouncing all over the place, coming over next to my table, being noisy and generally making a nuisance of himself.

I know that you must believe that everyone loves you're little tyke, but you're wrong. Control your child. Stop inflicting your carnal consequences on us, or at least buck up and actually parent.

As a feminist I steer clear of the c-word, but this is the only accurate word to use in reference to you.

You lie so much that you can't even keep track of your own deception. Is it because you're too busy spending your welfare check, financial aid, AND child-support on new tattoos and leather boots for yourself (P.S. vegans don't usually wear leather) while your daughter doesn't even have a bed to sleep in?

I honestly have no problem with you falling in love with anyone that wants more than a quick bar fuck from you, nor do I judge you for all of the coke you do, nor the countless Jerry Springer style fights you get in with your painfully boring ex-boyfriend. I judge you because you will stop at nothing to get what you want. Nothing is sacred to you. From claiming rape for revenge to capitalizing on death (of people you could give a sh*t about) by dramatizing your involvement as an excuse for your bad behavior... how do you sleep at night, other than in pools of your own piss? I know the opportunity for shirking responsibility for your actions must have been pretty tempting, but using deaths and claiming rape for your own twisted manipulation efforts is pretty foul.

Maybe even worse: I know you're failing 100-level community college courses (at the age of 30) because of the drunken binges, but 'of' and 'have' are NOT F***ING INTERCHANGEABLE!

I'm so glad I’ve ejected you from my life. Burn in hell, you dumb f***ing c***.

Love Always,
Anonymous

I hope you enjoy living Duck, because swerving to avoid your quacky ass this morning cost me one rear view mirror and a car insurance nightmare.

I hope you lead a fine, feathery life, and produce many many ducklings. I also hope that your ducklings have far more sense to not walk across a road during rush hour traffic.

Preserve your species, man.

Dear neighbor,
You started flipping shit at me because you didn’t like it when I said that I thought it was bullshit that the patrons at the local bars used our apartment’s limited parking space, forcing those who live here and pay rent to park on the narrow shoulder that is next to the ditch. I decided to walk away before I started flipping shit at you. You just had to be an asshole and start talking smack about me and try to stir up trouble between my boyfriend and I when I decided to be the grown-up and walk away from your temper tantrum. You tried to kiss up to my boyfriend and half-assed apologized for your assholishness towards me. Then, I heard you call me a fucking cunt to another neighbor. I put up with a lot of shit from you such as your loud music three or more hours after quiet time, the and pot fumes wafting up from your apartment into mine, and you turning up your heat to full blast when my apartment gets hot enough to literally melt candles in the summer, but you can’t deal with me walking away when you’re flipping shit for no reason? GROW THE FUCK UP!

OK, you went drinking last night and this morning you are blowing up the toilet here at work.
Do us a favor though, will ya?
Check to see if you needed to flush again. It doesn't take long.
This happens too, too often.

You! The guy in men's locker room at the ODS Tower! STOP USING MY FUCKING TOWEL!!!!! The towel on my locker is there to dry. It is not there for your convienience! Do you honestly think it is ok to rub your wet balls and butthole on someone else's towel? This is like the fourth time this has happened! Bring your own towel next time. And don't leave your shaving kit in the shower. Dipshit.

You're on the streetcar and the guy next to you asks for directions because he is just visiting. You want to be hospitable and so you decide to share your perception of Portland. The conversation always sounds like "here in Portland...bicycles...Burgerville...blah blah blah." This is so annoying and most of what you claim is crap. Stop it.

Give the directions and wish the guy best of luck. He'll figure out what Portland's all about once he experiences it.

I understand that this is a green workplace. That's admirable. I respect that. I also understand that being part of a green workplace means that the overhead lights are hooked up to motion detectors, a policy which applies to the lights in the staff bathroom. What I don't understand is why the motion detector in the staff bathroom needs to turn the lights off EVERY FIFTEEN SECONDS. I'm sick to death of having to constantly flail my arms around like Kermit the Frog if I don't want to shit in complete darkness.

You're aware of the situation, but you've done nothing to improve matters. You're busy. I understand that. What I want you to understand is that this situation is causing me to spend at least twice as long on the toilet as I usually do. If I see one mention of my overly-long bathroom breaks in my next performance review, I will stop using the staff bathroom entirely and instead do my business in your office. You know, the room with the real light switch.

To my fellow customers at the local grocery store,

Generally, no one cares if you have a couple more items when you're in the "12 items or less" express line. However, when you pile 24 different things on the conveyor belt when the store is crowded, you're being a douche-bag.

Dear Oregonian. So I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to find rates for the Oregonian. As far as I can tell, you can't find out the rates except by subscribing. And I tried calling for over a month. One time I was on hold for about 10 minutes and gave up, another time about 20 minutes and gave up and the last time I was on hold for just over 30 minutes when I finally gave up. Every other of the couple dozen times I called (not an exaggeration, by the way), the line was busy. EVERY SINGLE TIMES EXCEPT FOR THE THREE TIMES I WAS ON HOLD FOR 10 TO OVER 30+ MINUTES. What the hell? Well, since I can't get ahold of you I guess I'll just have my credit card decline payment. You have the worst customer service I'll ever encounterd. Ever. In the world of bad customer service, you people are number one. Congratulations.

You know what? Fuck you. Some of us are trying to sleep. I don't care if you need to be up at dawn. I DON'T. I don't go to sleep when the sun sets. I go to sleep at 11:00 like normal people.

But every fucking morning you wake me up at 6:00 am with your banging around and total lack of consideration.

FUCK YOU WOODPECKER.

Why does it seem like everyone is complaining about Portland? I recently read an I, Anonymous in which someone complained excessively about the direction the city of Portland is growing, particularly southeast. If your not happy, then get out! No one is forcing you to stay here. Portland is a growing city and yes, things are going to change. The last thing the city needs are more disgruntled citizens who cant change with it.

Don't stare at me like I don't belong on your block! I was here before you, bitch! Don't think I don't notice you sneering over those fake Groucho Marx glasses and your bullish septum ring. You're like that CSS song "Art Bitch", you're not an artist, you're not unique. You're an art bitch. You look like every other Buffalo Exchange white girl on our block. Ugh. Grow the fuck up or GTFO.

So you'd think that if you were drilling and hammering industrial sized machines into the concrete you'd do it during the day time, but not in my case. This message goes out to those inconsiderate bastards that have been doing so starting at 7:30 pm. What the fuck is your problem! The steps to my house are literally no more than fifty feet away from a monster sized hammer that makes my fucking house shake. Then comes the shovel, then the yelling. You motherfuckers work on the street directly in front of my house, you start setting up at 7, begin making noise at 7:30, and go until 10:15! what ever happened to no loud noises after 10? Actually, what ever happened to at least knocking at my door and letting me know you are going to keep my family up all night on a weekday! At least let me know you're an asshole before you make me live through this shit for 2 fucking weeks. And those huge white lights that shine toward my house don't help much either.Fuck you, your job is dumb, your orange vest is dumb, your helmet is dumb, your clipboard, your clothes, I hate you.F.O.A.D.!

I came a year ago to see you. I just ended up sitting alone curled up in a ball listening to M Ward crying on my sibling's sofa. I wished you were next to me when I rode around on the streets that I didn't know. I wish you were hanging upside down on the jungle gym that I stopped at to let my blood rush to my broken head. All I have is a gap of sucking void now. I don't know how to fill it with my weeping pedal strokes. I leave a trail of tear drops behind me as I ride in the puddles longing for you by my side.
i, Anonymous...

You stepped onto the bus & i saw the lovely structure of your face. You were handsome, you were beautiful. You caught me looking at you, & we made eye contact, for a second. i was hot, sweaty, no make-up. Gross feeling & plain jane looking as i read my book & forgot all about the world around me.
You got off at the same stop. There was noone else around. We walked. You were about 3 feet behind me, the whole way. We didn't speak. i realized the situation was uncomfortable, for you. i turned & gave you a smile. Yes, it was awkward, that long walk, with someone right behind you & never saying a word. But, i didn't know how to diffuse it, & neither did you. But we both knew it.

So, thank you. Thank you for finally catching up with me & saying " i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable". i told you that you didn't. i knew that we were headed for the same apartments. But thank you for acknowledging that. And thank you for the lovely words that you said to me. For telling me that i am gorgeous, when i am a sweaty mess. For saying, with absolute respect, that you find my style of big, black boots & pants & a skirt ~ very attractive. Even though, culturally we may be worlds away. Thank you. You made me smile, & you made me feel respected & beautiful, as a woman.

So I am in my late twenties, and I find it appropriate to go to local punk shows and drink a beer, especially at an anarchist book store out of all places. While I was enjoying a beer outside of a show I get interrupted by a young man visibly under the age of 21, and this man tells me I cant drink. At fist I am just like, "who are you?", and he states he is a volunteer at this particular place. Now I've been drinking at this book store ever since I can remember, due to myself being in the Portland punk scene. Drinking here has never been a problem, but after discussing this situation with my friends, I found out that 18 year olds literally started 'running' this place, and I love the fact that you are volunteering, but listen...dont you ever tell a person of age not to drink his fucking beer while you are under age. I wanted to shove my beer down your throat and tell you to quit walking around like you're fucking "in charge" when you're just ruining shows by having your baby kid band play here every weekend. Later I find out this book store is now a "sober" space due to cops popping by..some anarchist book store, posers.

Hey mom, I just want to remind you that you fucking suck. I'd tell you in person, but I never have any idea what rehab clinic you're living in, or whether or not you're dead. That is, until you call from some weird number and leave rambling messages or suddenly show up at my apartment looking for twenty dollars. Well, I'll never give you so much as a nickel as long as you want to go on pretending that giving birth makes you deserving of anyone's respect (especially mine). But I'll give a lot more than twenty dollars to Planned Parenthood. In fact, that's my new mother's day ritual. I'm aware that they're mostly in the business of pap smears, but if I can imagine that my money fills up the free condom bowl, or helps one fuck-up vacuum a fetus out of her uterus, saving someone from a life like mine, I can sleep just a little easier at night.

Everyone I met said I should get a dog. Out to dinner and sitting on the patio, most of my friends had their furry friends with them. I saw people walking them, playing with them and petting them... so I thought, "why not?". Jesus Fucking Christ, how I wish I could go back to being the dog-less friend. This dog of mine, he is as dumb as a fucking brick. This fucker barks ALL night long and when I put him outside so I can get some sleep, I have neighbors complaining. His shits, dear lord let me tell you about his shits: Not only are they twice the size of mine, but picking them up is absolute torture. I've vomited once, when scooping and scraping a warm pile of pudding-like shit he took on a lawn. People yell at me for not having him on a leash, he chews up the house when I leave him alone to go to work or out with friends. There is hair everywhere! And the saddest thing about it? The fucker is microchipped, which means I can't set him free out in the woods or let him loose somewhere in the city, old school style. No, I'm afraid that I'm stuck with this fucker forever. I fell into the Portland lifestyle and got a dog without really thinking it through and I blame no one but myself. I am fucking stuck with this mentally challenged, shit producing, incessantly barking, chewing up the house, fur shedding dog. Fucking great.

I get it. You're getting boned six ways to Sunday. You're screaming O My God like you're in a puddle of pregasm awaiting the rapture. Part of me says, "just imagine it's that Leonard Cohen song.. about the paper thin walls of this motel"... But after Captain America did his victory lap for about three hours (3 hours?? What are you trying out for?? The cock push-up olympics?!), I felt compelled to blare R&B on the pandora til 6 am. And my work suffered. My personal interactions suffered. YOU FUCKING LOUD FUCKERS! Put a sock monkey in it or get a room inside a room inside a bunker.

You were at the Tube last Friday looking the part of a bad-ass. All tatted up, mean muggin, scabs etc.
You guys tried to talk some shit with my group outside. You got up in my friends face and had me scared for him.
You pushed him and then all hell broke loose. He went to town on your face and proceeded to beat you down.
I went into shock and started laughing. My buddy, who is small and kinda slower, taking you apart as you swung wildly like a little boy. We had to pull him off you.
Your face was a mess and your carabiner poke a hole in your hip when you fell on it. Tough guy? Hmmmph!