But Not by as Many Units as You'd Think
To the person at the dog park who was upset by my dog’s “hanging coconuts”. Yes, my 11-month old male dog is unneutered since the current opinion in veterinary medicine is that it is hormonally beneficial to wait 9 to 12 months before neutering. Yes, he is a large and unneutered puppy (11 months old, remember?). Yes, his balls hang low. But he is NOT aggressive. He is NOT mounting anyone or anything. All he wants to do is play with the other dogs in the dog park, regardless of their neutering/spaying status. In fact, it’s the small, yippy, nut-less dogs that have a Napoleon complex that are barking their heads off and trying to hump my dog’s knee/ear/side while he just stands there looking perplexed and sad.
If my dog’s balls bother you so much, then look away, you perv. And to the rest of you smug, too-cool, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, think you have a right to judge and criticize other people, hipster wannabes/drama queens/one percenters … here are a couple of tips. Keep your mouth shut. Think before you speak. Work on bettering yourself and becoming a decent human being capable of social interaction. Grow up. Help make Portland a kinder, gentler place.
What started out as a fantastic evening with my lover, turned into a complete mystery of "Where the Fuck are my shoes?" WTF Portland? Why can't I simply take off my shoes and leave them on the front porch, get comfy, watch a flick and know that my shoes are going to be there when I leave?
Odd thing is, this shoe thief has struck twice in the past 3 months at this particular home. What goes around comes around, Karma will get you NE Portland Shoe Thief.
I know you think you're being quaint by carting your big ass red wagon to the grocery store, but you're just being annoying. "We're so Portland!" you must think as you drag that thing around the store, blocking every aisle you walk down. You then blocked the whole express lane with your stupid Radio Flyer to pay for your one bunch of carrots that you bought. That's it. You brought a giant red wagon to the store for a bunch of carrots. You know the store provides carts to hold your child and your groceries, right? Do that next time, because you look like the pill head teacher from the Magic School Bus books walking down the street with your knee-high patchwork socks and your giant fucking red wagon filled with a 20 lb. child and one bunch of carrots. You. look. ridiculous.
Yeah, I bought a house over a decade ago in St. John's. My block was meth-heads and heroine dealing cartel. Now the block is very nice, thanks to me....threatening, dealing with the cops, neighborhood watch etc. We made our place look nice, landscaped, networked with the other neighbors. Now I see a few places being sold for near $500K?!? Shit, I'm selling and movin' to the 'Couv. Fuck all Ya'll!!!
Today, as I walked down the sidewalk, your five or six year old child was drawing with chalk on the cement canvas, while one of you were in the tangle of people sitting at a table that occupies the what was previously a parking space. When did it become a normal thing to take your child on a pub crawl? Isn't that what back yards and living rooms are for? It seems rather unfair to your child. There is nothing they serve at that establishment that resembles a meal. What were you going to do if they wanted a snack? Buy them some anchovy stuffed olives and split a hard cider with them? If this were a dive bar in deep Southeast, people would be calling the cops and yelling child neglect. I guess you are buffered by class privilege and the label "bottle shop" and so that makes it ok.
how is it possible to be nice when you act like a english language cop when your friend's around to hear it. funny thing is that i know you listen to my conversations for the shear purpose of calling me out on one specific thing then all of a sudden were talking about my grammar for one fucking word (which i know 100 percent you understood) i know you only like to do this when your friend is around because you wanna feel cool and in control but really your just a whiney 30 something fuck up at everything he does. you get hired by someone and you either get fired for smoking pot (at work at 6 o clock in the morning) or you get fired for stealing from your employer which is just absolutely genius if you ask me. this world needs more assholes like you
Dear bartender from the other night who got mad at me for smoking weed at the bar you bartend. I’m sorry, I didn’t know this wasn’t allowed. Thanks for clearing that up. Before this happened though, I overheard you mention “Rocky Mountain Ragas” by Robbie Basho. I wasn’t part of your conversation then nor was I at any point in the evening apart from the moment when you were upset with me. I am listening to this now though 10 hours later and channeling the negative energy from that experience into a positive one. It is glorious. It all sounds like hippie bullshit now. Maybe it’s because I was on acid this whole time. You, well-intentioned anonymous lady will now be in my memory forever. Thank you. This is all part of Jimi’s plan.
I, personally believe that at the end of the day, it is what it is. Ya gotta do what you love and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Everything happens for a reason.
So let's play it by ear and give thanks in advance! Kapeesh? I mean, I'm totes just sayin.
To the asshole who dropped off an entire dump truck load of used tires in my parents driveway: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????? My friends have called you lazy but I contend it took a LOT of effort to load up your very large trailer with about 80 tires, drive up into the woods and then unload them. Why not use the same energy to take them to the goddamned dump? Now you leave the burden on my parents who CANNOT afford to deal with this, not to mention the tires are literally IN the driveway and I almost crashed into them this morning when I came around the corner, expecting a road to be there instead of a pile of your used trash. I'm so tired of people littering in this town!!
I kept your side of the story for the sake of your reputation tight lipped for years. I left town, I stopped calling friends, I changed the subject when people brought you up.
I rolled in town for a wedding and began to regret ever extending any kindness in your direction.
I started to get a strange vibe, not because because I was omitting information, but because I began to notice that it was they who had information to hide. I soon learned that you, you had not been so discreet, and in fact got quite creative with telling the good news of your new found spiritual gobbledygook.
You lied for years, cheated on your husband, roped your way into an open relationship and then ruined things for them too. Your marriage was an exercise in righteous negligence.
I was glad to find out that most of those people were trying to protect me from hearing anything about you. They'd all distanced themselves, left you and your new sand cult to your Outlaw Charlatan's work.
You never cared about anyone but yourself, hid behind proselytizing to try and handle your karma.
Confusing narcissism for piety, and selfishness for survival, your new religion has lots in common with the old ones.
I finally have my self esteem back. It's all too grey to call rape, but you were sexually assault-ish. Sometimes it was when you were drunk, sometimes, it was when you were supposedly experiencing sexomnia, but sometimes it was when you were sober and it was morning. I've always liked to fuck. Hell, I now have a dude in my life that I enjoy having a booty call relationship with. But you crossed lines, all the time, and it took me a while to admit that to myself. I loved you, but know I ignored my instincts and should have stayed away from you instead of letting you into my life. You are not mindful enough to ever realize this. Friend request denied.
I'm no youngster and I find it really quite alarming that so many adults in this modern age are so judgmental. Many people make assumptions based on appearance, this is troubling. Assumptions should remain just that and not Judgments. Please, next time you attempt to pass judgment, think about the many possibilities. I'm aware of the negatives that society and mostly the media exude upon us. Keep an open mind and give your fellow human the benefit of being for the greater good.
Are you done joyriding in it yet? Or committing whatever crime you committed with it? Or, to be charitable, getting to someplace important that you couldn't reach by public transit?
If so, please put my dented white 1995 Subaru Legacy wagon someplace I can find it. Because I actually need it.
So you blew a stop sign in your SUV, almost hitting me a biker. I yelled at you. You spun around and proceeded to chase me. You wanted to fight me, but neighbors witnessed this and told you to chill because you were in the wrong.
Biking the same route I saw your car parked in the driveway. I knew it was you because I wrote down your license plate in case I had to call the cops. Following the advice of a very wise man I put dog shit on your door and under the handle. My thinking was you would see the shit on your door, wash it off then wash your hands. Once your hands were nice and clean, you go to open your door - and BANG! You get dog shit on your hands again. Everytime I roll past your house I get a chuckle. Thanks for the laugh, fuckface!
biking down MLK is stupid. you're stupid. big fat coasters. fat ice cream cones. you're not even wearing helmets. jerk offs. really, with the arm signs? this is mother fucking rush hour, asshole. do you want to die? is that your goal? yes, pedestrians have the right of way in portland, but you still have to have a CARE FOR YOUR MORTALITY. asshats. wander into the street like a hindu cow, for gawds sake. you're trying to die. ever heard of a BIKE PATH, dillweed? drop the donut and step away from the coffee shop. now put your phone back in your pocket and buy yourself a clue.
Ladies, do you ever feel uncomfortable when a random guy grabs your butt at a or brushes a hand against your boobs in a very obvious way? Upsetting, am I right? Well think about this, it's equally uncomfortable for men when you do this to them, and it's still sexual harassment. It's also awfully uncomfortable for the girlfriend who happens to to be holding his hand as you pinch his butt or run a hand over his chest to brush his nipple.
Neither of us wanted to make a scene when this happened to us, and neither did my friend whose boyfriend also got grabbed at Wonder Ballroom the other night. It' not worth the drama, but it would be nice of you ladies would learn to keep your fucking hands to yourselves.
No one, male, female, or non cis-gendered person wants to be grabbed by a stranger, and no one wants their partner to be blatantly sexually harassed in public. Have some goddamned self-control. I'm only going to ask once.
If you can't graduate from High School, why on earth do you think you can raise children? Giving a child a cell phone just to kill minutes off the parent responsibility clock. Yes, they enjoy playing all 5 gem explosion games on your i-phone, but do you really think that's a good idea? Giving them a phone to play video games while you visualize your next twerking compilation? You think stretchy pants is appropriate to wear at the next job interview, don't you? Next time you take back those fuzzy navel shots, spice it up a notch and throw back a few birth control pills. Or just get your high school diploma. A low bar, but at least it's a bar for your child to reach (pass).
To the driver of the red Toyota car with California plates driving down Stark earlier today. Thank you for yielding so I could cross at the marked pedestrian crosswalk. I was waiting as at least 8 other cars flew by with complete disregard and indiscretion. I applaud your kind gesture and obedience of the law. If only everyone else did the same instead of just being a dick and copying what the dick in front of him did. Anyways I hope to see you again sometime my friend.
People miss stops when they are on their phone. People hold others up for not paying attention. So if we are at a stop, have been there a few seconds, a few people get off the stop, then realize you are at your stop, but the driver has already started driving again, get off Facebook.
Thanks can be a give or take. Some drivers don't deserve it. They are servants. If you're nice, you get nice back.
Here's some I'll add.
Dont ask the driver for directions or where you are trying to get to. did you not want to know where you are going today? You waste everyone's time when you do this. You probably have an iphone or computer. do your research. this is a reason buses end up late is because of other's incompetence.
The side sitter at the front, any side seat, especially the front. When you constantly turn to look at the back of the bus to see, look at every person on the bus and none of them are looking at you, except me, you are fucking weird. When you do it 20 times in 20 minutes, you are fucking annoying. you sat there where you are in peoples vantage point. stop your abnormal behavior.
Please don't pig out on your meal on the bus. let me guess, you eat in your bed too.
Why is it that when parents and kids get on the bus, it becomes all about the them? The bus could be completely quiet, they get on, and all attention turns to them. at some point you can bet the kid will be standing on the seat.
Please signal the driver to move on if you don't want him to stop
My old roommate and his girlfriend (who pretty much became my roommate as well) were assholes. This is how I got my revenge on an ongoing basis and got them to move out. She didn't pay rent btw, even after I continued to press for it, so this was beyond fucked all over.
I took a brush and put a light coat of whole milk on the armpits of their coats and inside of their shoes to make them stink.
I'd pour rubbing alcohol into their vase of fresh flowers to make them wilt faster.
I would cut a few threads here and there and pluck buttons on clothes whenever they are left in the dryer.
I ordered bridal fashion and lingerie catalogues mailed here in his ex-girlfriend's name.
I tore small holes in their freezer bags to make their food get freezer burned.
Remote kill switch on the wifi.
Two months later, they moved out. I got a raise and now don't need roommate! I love it!
A giant in front of me. A fat giant. Not only a fat giant but a giant that likes to pick his ear skin and scratch his head in front of me. Next to me is another fat giant. This fat giant is in need of the arm rest and forces his way upon it. There is no other choice. He cannot fit otherwise. Then a loud yapper behind me. No one wants to hear about your personal life especially when I can hear you above my headphones. I get its public spaces so why cant I deal with it. Its for the very reason that it is in fact public spaces that we need to learn a little about respect. I don't do what I would do in private in public. Or do you think it okay for me to floss right next to you? Okay if I shave my legs right next to you? Learn some boundaries. Respect it. This ain't the border where all you illegals think its okay to cross. I want my money back.
I got off the bus NOT because you're a fat bearded homosexual. NOT because I'm a homophobe. The bus we're on was 10 min late which then means the bus exactly behind us is not crowded. I got off the bus because you couldn't sit still and every 5 fucking god awful seconds you kept looking at me. I turned completely away and then started looking in the reflection of the window and you kept looking every 5 fucking seconds. What is it? Do I look familiar? Weird? Do I have shit on my forehead? A unicorn spike.? Gold coming out of my ears? Do you want to bone? I'm hungover. Stop your creepy behavior. You're the only one who is doing what you're doing. Worst of all, you cant stay still. Just so you know, when I got off the bus and laughed at you, it was not because you're gay. It was because you were making me very uncomfortable and it had nothing to do with you being gay. And that is what gay friendly is all about. The same for misanthropy. I guess I got it.
Bag on seat. With an empty bus? That's where my bag is going. Why do you fucking care?
Taking the aisle seat. Yup. Fucking lame. But I do say something if I need to.
Talking while riding. No one is fascinating. No one is weird. Some people want attention though. I wish Trimet would have the same rule as airplanes. Then again, riding Trimet isn't a movie, or a concert. So who fucking cares? And people still do talk on phones. Maybe you don't because no one wants to talk to you.
Sitting in the front if you're elderly. High school kids are clueless. And probably 75% of adults are too. But shit, I'm youngish, and sometimes travel to the airport with my suitcase. No one cares. No one moves. No one helps. Is this because I look young? Well travelling the way I am isn't easy, so fucking help out and move. I do know a fat guy with a walker and see him all the time. His walker is always blocking the front where people cannot access the walkway. The drivers never say anything.
Summiting the stairs. Shit, people love sitting up there.
Exiting the front door. On one occasion, a driver called me out for it, and I told him I do it all the time, and you're the only one who has said anything to me. Furthermore, if you can't tell your passengers to behave, move for elderly people, not swear and use vulgar language, not to eat their food, then don't fucking tell me where to exit.
Green light for back door. A lot of times, I see a few that has malfunctioned. Or isn't on and the driver has to manually open it. Or turn off the bus and restart. A lot of times, I hear back door, it is because the light is not on.
Preferred stop. Well you probably drive one block to the grocery store.
Pulling yellow chord and not acknowledging the wrong stop. Fucking lame. then I want to start pulling it at every stop.
YoYo, is this an actual yoyo. Who doesn't like yoyos?
Manspread. I have never seen someone's nuts or vagina.
Kids. fuck kids on the bus. Fuck the teacher. She or he doesn't give a shit. They are glad to get them out of the classroom and let them disturb the peace elsewhere. Jumping on seats, climbing like a gymnast on the dangling supports. If I was driver, I would not pick up the 20 kids going to omsi for a field trip.
MJ-who doesn't like MJ? If I saw Lady Gaga, well, that's another story. Well, maybe I did see Lady Gaga once.
Hand sanitizer. The bus is gross. People are gross. People pick their noses and touch rails. People eat their burger on the bus and touch rails. I don't touch anything on the bus except the seat and window if I need to open it. People cough on their hands and touch rails.
The bike rack is tough. So is putting up a tent.
Standing by the doors. On a crowded bus. is the safest place to be. What is the capacity of the bus? I don't want to die in this chariot with you fucking people.
I wasn't entirely sure where I was going so I didn't mean to blow that stop sign, but I ended up taking a right turn into the bike lane so it didn't affect you. Your driver was stopped anyways. Even though you were surrounded by bikes on the Sunday Parkways route, you chose to pursue me and yell at me about waiting my turn. But when your subcompact pulled up and I noticed all 300 pounds of your young body cramped into the passenger seat as you yelled at me, I couldn't help but say "OK, Fatty" knowing it would PISS YOU OFF. Me trying to be healthy and riding my bike on a beautiful day and You unhealthy and angry at the world. I chuckled as I saw you throw a fit in your little seat, as I rode off into the sunset. If you are going to heckle people, better get some thicker skin.
|Most Popular||I, Anonymous||Best of the Merc|
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!