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The Killjoy Who Does Comedy


The Killjoy Who Does Comedy

Hari Kondabolu Brings His Political Stand-Up to Portland




Fall Runways Begin

Monday, September 29, 2014

Don't Crush My Dreams

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 29, 2014 at 7:53 PM

Yeah, I have dreams. I want to become an actor in the film industry and maybe try my hand at being a stand up comic. But it doesn't help when some jerk tells you that your not funny or that your not as talented as you think. well, FUCK YOU GUYS!!! I will make it as an actor if it kills me.I don't care about getting turned down, that's inevitable. It's bound to happen. people get rejected all the time. But when one door closes, Another opens. Did you know Colonel Sanders got rejected over a thousand times? a little something to think about.

Let Me Think About This

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 29, 2014 at 7:52 PM

So the food is heading up to your mouth by way of a utensil of some sort, sometimes your hand. Sometimes the food will hit your lip or cheek. Then the crumbs will fall to the table or ground. Sometimes it's half a cookie, or a piece of meat. Sometimes it will fall on the table then you brush it to the ground. Congratulations though, sometimes the food makes it all the way into your mouth. But then again, you start blabbering so the food starts flying out of your mouth onto the table or ground. But that's not it. You know this. You see it. But that's okay. Let's just leave it there.

Let me think about this. You unzip your pants, pull out your dick, and take a piss in the urinal or the toilet. But wait, you still find a way to piss right on the floor. I know you are a moron, but still . I hope you do this in your home too.

By the way, Jack in the Box has a new Sriracha Burger. Sounds yummy hey?

You Know Who You Are

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 29, 2014 at 7:51 PM

You are a fucking idiot. Everything you say is either inbred or completely ignorant. However, I wouldn't expect anything greater from you. You are a loser. You constantly fight with everyone. Pick on everyone. Bully everyone. I wonder who the problem is? Because it's not the people you point your stubby fingers at. It's you. Nobody likes you. Not even yourself. But you can still try to pretend. You really should just die!

Stop Littering, A-holes!

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 29, 2014 at 7:50 PM

I am getting sick and tired of walking around Portland and finding that someone just threw their trash out on to the side walk or the road. seriously, its either a plastic bottle or a McDonalds french fry carton. Also, what the fuck is up with the broken glass on the side walk. I volunteer walking dogs and I don't want to return the dog explaining that he stepped glass because some ASSHOLE REFUSES TO PICK UP HIS BEER BOTTLE or that some IRRESPONSIBLE JERK OFF WAS BEING STUPID AND JUST BROKE GLASS BOTTLES FOR THE HELL OF IT!!!! so please, do us all a favor and PICK UP YOUR TRASH!!!!!!!!


Lies Lies Lies Yeah!

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 29, 2014 at 3:03 PM

Fish on Fridays was a Church racket. The US Surgeon General lied about the cholesterol in eggs because of an egg shortage. The gluten free movement is due to the three year wheat shortage and China will pay more for what we can produce. And my beloved Tillamook medium cheddar should should be call Boardman Feedlot Cheddar.

To Boomio's Kidnappers

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 29, 2014 at 10:09 AM

Dear Musical Terrorists,
You don’t deserve Boomio. I know I'm a bad owner for locking him onto my bike, under a streetlight, in a highly visible area, but seriously, what the hell are you going to do with a hacked 1980's boombox!? Did you know it costs $15 just to get "D" batteries for the little fucker!? Maybe you’re a broke homeless guy that has an undying thirst for Creedence, and need the tunes to up your skagwagon game. I deplore your moral code but I can kind of get that. No one would ever buy that boombox, you couldn’t even trade it for a Camo Ice. Since it has no monetary value, it leads me to think that you’re probably some kind of transplanted gypster. You probably parked your car a couple of blocks away from the motorcycle show, making sure you hide the BMW logo when you take a bump to yourself. I think you stole Boomio for sport, to impress someone you met on Tinder, like “hey look how “Southeast” I am.” and after you paint it matte black, It will look great on your newsfeed. You remind me how sick I am of the if-it-can-be-stolen, then it deserves-to-be-stolen mentality. You suck. No one likes you, and even a sweet little beat up boom box that I handmade with tiny screws wont help with that. I hope Boomio catches fire while you’re sleeping, explodes acid or gets stuck in a vortex of The Eagles/ Coldplay remixes. However, on a lighter note: thanks for not stealing my bike, but then again we both know you’re not clever enough to be a bike thief.

Wave Bye Bye to Daddy!

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 29, 2014 at 8:32 AM

"Oh...Hey's it going? (Hearty Handshake) Yikes it's been, what, about two years maybe?"'s been exactly 7 trimesters. That's when you and your siren decided the best way to refresh your sputtering marriage was to go ahead with that unplanned pregnancy. Oh and lookee here, it's the little miracle flailing in the shopping cart, face covered in mucous and zwieback crumbs...just darling.

When you told me you were going to go ahead with the wifenkid plan you might as well have told me you were now voting republican and found Jesus...All...Respect...Gone. Such a waste of a brilliant creative youth. You could have waited 10 years before you got married and had kids but no...just couldn't wait for middle age to wash over you like a flabby, mediocre tide, I threw your number away before you got to the end of the dairy aisle.

Don't Even Have to Date You

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 29, 2014 at 8:31 AM

Yep. Don't. I don't have to spend any dough on drinks or dumb ass gluten free onion rings. I don't have to pretend to like your dumb music either. I'm sorry you are in a living situation that you want to crawl out of and I can tell I would be your first stop out of there . I like your tits, they are huge and plentiful. They are nice.

But I'm not a dumbass like the rest of you and your crew. Who live in cars, balconies, driveways and car ports. I'll keep on with you but I got my guard up.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Chapman Swifts

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Sep 28, 2014 at 8:02 AM

What's up with all you disgusting parents leaving all your garbage and cardboard (for the hill slide) behind? Water bottles, foil, to-go containers, etc.

I was there tonight and once those birds made their final decent, the masses exited with no sense of cleanliness. Most of you left into your SUVs or ya just walked home.

I don't even live in the neighborhood(I live in the NE)and spent a good 1/2 hour cleaning up after you. Mostly the food so it wasn't eaten by our local wild life.

It was soooo appalling as you "families" (hundredsof them i tell you). Are all "let's go".

Then. When I was done. I hit the street and the first block was filled with more water bottles tossed onto lawns, dirty diapers, and entire ashtray and burger bags and pizza boxes. Just set there, on the curb. Nice.

Probably making this never be the same again because of your actions. Shame on you, all of you.


Hey Stupid!

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Sep 28, 2014 at 8:01 AM

You step out between two cars while staring at your phone and right into a bike lane full of cyclists doing 15mph or better. The first cyclist misses you by inches and you yell something unintelligible at them when they are safely 30 feet away. Rather than stepping back out of traffic to do whatever "important-looking" people do on their phones you continue to stand there, in the bike lane, playing with your phone.

Another group of cyclists have to swerve into rush hour traffic to avoid hitting you, but you stand resolute and oblivious to the chaos and danger you are causing. It is only when someone walking down the sidewalk yells at your for being a dangerous idiot do you look up from your phone and that is when I "accidentally" knock it out of your hand as I pass by you in the bike lane.

It was awesome.

You shrieked like your child had been hit by a car, but it was only your precious and "magical" iProduct that suffered an indignant death under the wheels of a dozen cars.

Lesson learned? Probably not.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Weirdo at New Seasons Interstate

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Sep 27, 2014 at 9:32 AM

I caught you playing with yourself in the food court. I looked over and saw it a few times.mi asked out loud "what the hell are you doing?" To which no reply was given I then told the nearest employee and then they shrugged and said something like "it's a free country".

I eventually asked for a manager and no one responded so i left. I was on my phone on the sidewalk and when I hung up, I told you how you were a sick fuck. You punched me in the face and knocked me down and broke my glasses.

The police came and you were gone but I know who are, I see you around. Time will tell.....

Friday, September 26, 2014

Self-Appointed Grand Pooh-Bah of Last Thursday:

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Sep 26, 2014 at 2:52 PM

What do you hope to accomplish by your attempt to take over Last Thursday in this rude manner, except perhaps to burnish your own inflated sense of self-importance?

First, you do not live or work in Albertastan*. It is the height of arrogance to speak for others without their consent.

Second, you apparently fail to understand that any attempt to extract monies from businesses for a city event without city authorization is extortion, which is a crime.

Third, you display a profound ignorance of the history of Last Thursday.

Fourth, you are delusional. You believe that you possess the qualifications to manage Last Thursday, yet you have demonstrated neither the resources nor the humility that this requires. Further, you seem incapable of interacting in a respectful manner with other people with whom you disagree. This disqualifies you from any managerial position.

For nostalgic reasons, Last Thursday will continue to exist in the near future. But, rather than submit to your tinhorn dictatorship, the more reasonable approach is to cooperate with the current mayor (who understands the meaning of compromise) on neighborhood livability issues. The last thing we need is your interference. Please do go away and shut up.

*Albertastan (noun: an ungovernable coalition of warring tribes that band together to repel invaders.)

"I Bike Everywhere"

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Sep 26, 2014 at 12:37 PM

There are a lot of people who like to say that their bicycle is a reliable form of transportation and that they do not need anything else. Not a car, car share, or even public transit. They "bike everywhere", though everywhere seems to be limited to about a three mile radius around their house share/apartment in inner SE/NE/NW where it is mostly flat. So when you are riding in my car on the way out to Sauvie Island and you say, "I don't need a car, I bike everywhere" I am highly skeptical as you told me before I offered to drive "Do you have room in your car, I can't come otherwise". No you don't bike everywhere, and you are not alone. There are a few people who no longer visit now that I live a mear 11 miles from downtown Portland in a close in suburb, next to a bike lane on a semi flat road. I do understand that there are a few hardy souls who do truly bike everywhere. Most people scorn these folks for their lycra attire, but when I invite you to a BBQ in the "sticks" you show up! A little sweaty, but you wear deodorant so who cares! So next time I hear someone who isn't in incredibly awesome shape say "I bike everywhere" please excuse my snickering. And no, I won't be offering you a ride anywhere. Your bicycle is a perfectly acceptable form of transportation.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

I Wrote in Bud Clark

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Sep 25, 2014 at 8:57 AM

Hey, look at what's happening to Portland right now! Developers running around totally unleashed jacking up rents. Older landlords grabbing the opportunity to "adjust to the market" and people driven out of neighborhoods. All you fucking assholes who voted for Hales are getting what you deserve. The rest of us are getting fucked! So enjoy your awful decisions that totally screwed over the rest of us who saw it coming.

You fucking dicks.


Nope I Will Never

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Sep 25, 2014 at 8:56 AM

I was told to "grow up". By someone who has never moved on. I got on the max and met a woman that needed my help. She had no shoes so I got on the ground and strapped the sandals that my Mama bought me on her feet. She needed water so I walked her to the store and spent my last dollars on a bottle of water that is smart. I will never know her whole battle nor will she know mine. The person that told me to grow up will hopefully grow up themselves. Treat the people around you well kids, you never know when you will need a stranger. I promise to never grow up and I will always help when I can.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Use the Crosswalk!

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Sep 24, 2014 at 9:08 PM

it's the most useless and unoriginal saying, EVER! sort of like passive-aggressive, hipster, self-righteous, entitled. come up with something new.
I know I'm not in the crosswalk. If you want to do something about it, get out of your car, and let's talk. You people, who say this, are the only people who say shit like this. As if you've never done it. As if you've never stolen anything in your life, or never inhaled. Like the 10 other cars, when I'm not using a crosswalk ALOT, ALOT, just slow down, and are nice human beings. if all you want is to prove a point, then why don't you walk somewhere instead of polluting the air? Do I get to tell you to slow down? Do I get to tell you to use your turn signal when you are too lazy to, or are yapping on your phone, or texting your whores? Do I get to laugh in your face when you cut through a gas station because you don't want to wait in line to turn? Do I get to laugh at you cutting everyone off so you end up that the red light? You are ridiculous when you do this. TOOLS! So when I am in the crosswalk, and you are turning right, on a red light, with no hesitation, and no intention of stopping, rushing to what the fuck ever, and you keep driving, do I get to tell you to pay attention? But some of you give a little wave, like you didn't see me, so it's all okay now, right?

Rain and Cold

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Sep 24, 2014 at 9:08 PM

Rain jacket, check! Gloves, check! Sweater, check! Rain boots over my jeans, check! Beanie, check! Umbrella, check! I need to close the window because it's cold, check!
Please people. We haven't even left September yet. 2 days of clouds and grey skies, barely any rain, so fucking drop me off at melodrama station, and pick me up where the sun don't shine, which is my ass crack. This is Oregon. And it doesn't even rain here a lot. And it's 66 degrees with 83% humidity. Move away.

We All Look Like Someone Famous

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Sep 24, 2014 at 9:07 PM

Lately, my pet peeve is people staring. Don't get it, don't want to look at you, don't care what you look like. I'd rather look at the trees, sun, water, or wind. It's a combination of self-consciousness, paranoia, and being stoned. It raises my blood pressure, makes me uncomfortable, and gives me anxiety. So when I catch you looking at me, say 5 times in 10 min, I get annoyed. I start looking at you just to catch you. Then the game begins. Them, "what are you looking at?" Me, "I'm looking at you looking at me." Them, "I thought you was looking at me." Be real, you're a watcher, because I don't want to look at you. It's like you're stealing my soul, catching me in vulnerable moments, invading my privacy. So a high school kid is checking out everyone in his vicinity, stealing glances, sizing them up. He's got a flat-brimmed hat with the sticker still on, which is the stupidest thing next to pants around the knees. He's got pristine, I don't care what brand shoes. He's got a watch that is similar to a cowboy that has a massive belt buckle. So high school kid, after looking at a large African American male 5 times, says, "you look exactly like Shaquille O'Neal." I burst out in laughter, and he says, "oh I look exactly like Shaq?" And all Asians look alike too. I thought you looked like a gangster Jackie Chan. Is this what people are doing when they are looking at each other? As for me, I'm wondering how big that cute guys penis is?

First Amendment Problems

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Sep 24, 2014 at 1:00 PM

This problem has been driving me insane for years so thank you, I, Anonymous, for being here for me. I was talking with my friend about how "Lars Larson gave me herpes". It's not true but really funny to say it out loud. He said it's against the law to say things like "Lars Larson gave me herpes", if it's not true. He said, "Only someone that got herpes from Lars Larson can say, 'Lars Larson gave me herpes.'" So I guess if this gets censored, I will understand, and concede to my friends legal advice.

[The question is, if you say "Lars Larson gave you herpes," would the average person believe it? If the answer is yes, then it's actionable. However, Lars Larson is a public figure which (perhaps unfairly) gives him less right to complain if people are making jokes about him. Anyway, back to our original point: If the average person did NOT believe it (in part because you followed it up with "it's not true" and you meant it in a funny way), then that's known as "parody," and makes it tough to prove in court that your words were personally damaging to Lars and/or his livelihood. Therefore one could say, "Lars Larson gave the world herpes," and that's probably okay, as well as "Lars Larson gave Lars Larson herpes," and, "Lars Larson gave herpes herpes."—I, Anonymous Legal Team.]


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Ugly Bob with Glasses in Green Subaru

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Sep 23, 2014 at 6:23 PM

You, ugly bob with glasses driving a green Subaru. Me, hot white Mercedes with a general sense of driving etiquette. I had the fortunate chance of seeing your ugly scowl on the on ramp to the St. John's bridge. There are two lanes where everyone merges right before the light to go on the bridge. You seem to have a difficult time grasping this concept even though there were about 10 examples shown in front of you. When it was my chance to merge, even though I was in front of you, you wedged you car so far forward I could not merge without getting run off the road. I friendly-waved and you refused to make eye contact. When you gassed it and ruined the concept of merging, you probably could not hear me, but I was yelling "RETARD". Bitch please, you etiquette lesson!

Share the Sidewalk, Please

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Sep 23, 2014 at 1:38 PM

Picture it, Portland 2014: I'm walking down the sidewalk on a slightly rainy day when I happen to make eye contact with an ardent lunchtime power walker, umbrella in hand, headphones in ears, sneakers and business casual get up, the whole nine... Being a polite human, I move to the side a bit, however... twas not enough, as the person approaching viewed the sidewalk as entirely theirs, so that upon our meeting this individual HAD to stop. This lunchtime exerciser decided to not share the sidewalk, and then asked, "Really?"... To which I say, 'Yes, you stupid fucking piece of entitled shit, fucking really. I'm sorry you have the personality of fetid vaginal discharge, but fuckin hell, share the fucking sidewalk you stupid asshat. Yes, fucking really.'

Full House (In My Mind)

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Sep 23, 2014 at 11:00 AM

I had a dream last night. The setting was one of my childhood friend's houses up the street. It seemed to be some sort of reunion and there were some vague images of faces I hadn't seen for years. But instead of someone I actually know or knew coming to the fore of this dreamscape, I found myself engaged in what seemed to be a smashingly wonderful conversation with none other than an all grown up DJ Tanner, Candace Cameron.

I exited sleep around 5 in the morning and thought that was odd, but thought nothing of it. Before heading off to work, though, I was flipping through the channels on who was on Good Morning America but Candace Cameron (Bure). She's apparently on Dancing with the Stars, but I really had no idea.

Sure, I watched Full House growing up, but I was more Sweet(in) on Stephanie (it was age appropriate) or even Kimmy Gibler over DJ.

This just freaks me out. I had to share, but really, who would want to hear this sort of talk from someone they actually know. So, here you go.

Racist my Racist!

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Sep 23, 2014 at 8:51 AM

So, we're this group of friends. Some closer than others.
And we are pretty evenly split, racially. 3 black friends, 2 white. I really appreciate the openness, depth & humor that we have all had, up to this point. We are all part of a sub-culture that is made up of people who do not fit in anywhere, but who care fuck all & forge their own way.
And this would be the point where you, friend, maybe weren't listening when I was talking. When I explained just how i feel about your expectation that i tolerate being berated simply for having white skin ( not caucasian, however).Or having to listen to you claim your hatred for
Portland, because white people.Or how ethnic cleansing of white's needs to happen for there to be peace in the world & in "your" towns. News flash - I am your friend & this shit is hurtful.
Also, I am not a delicate candle of white guilt just awaiting your black flame of anger. So, stop being a racist fucker or I will drop your ass. Love Ya!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Crazy Driving Mama

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 22, 2014 at 7:49 PM

Today I got on my bus, nodded, said hello, went to my seat, heard you say something like "really." I didn't bother. In curious boredom, I watched you closer today. I noticed you saying these words to every passenger. My mind deduced you were saying "really?" because no one was really saying hello or thanking you. Then came a girl who was running after the bus, you did see her, stopped, but not before a giant sigh and wave of the hand in frustration. Some other chick ran in front the bus, wanting on but this time, you said "ch," shook your head and drove off. You pointed your finger at a car who could've cut you off. You honked at a bicyclist who was not in the bike lane. This was all in 45 minutes. I heard you say to someone, "that's the first time I haven't stopped at that stop, I should buy a lottery ticket." One day, you sang a song, through the microphone. I've never seen this before. You got applause and you're voice isn't terrible. I said, "finally worth the ride." Not amused, you said, "allright." Another time, I said "the rides better when you're singing." You said, "only on a Friday."
You seem nice as you do wave at people getting off the bus, but you are crazy bipolar or something. I don't know if I like that you are in control of my destiny, as at any moment you could drive us off the bridge. Maybe you're bitter about a failed singing career. From your view it's normal to complain, but for me, it's scary. I feel the same about pilots.

Ok Tourists, for Real Though.

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Sep 22, 2014 at 2:55 PM

Being raised in Portland, it took a lot of seeing other places for me to realize that yes, we are kinda weird. I realize though it has it's flaws, it really is a wonderful place. And though I've always loved the melting pot aspect of Portland, I have to admit that our recent jump in popularity, the spike in rent, even the talk of raising minimum wage (I'd love $15 an hour, but the economy..) is freaking the shit out of myself and many others. My whole family is here, this is my home, and if I can't keep up until I get my degree then frankly I have no idea what my next move is going to be. But this is life, it's the nature of things, I don't blame people for wanting to move or visit here. HOWEVER! You think Portland is weird? A lot of you guys engage in some of the weirdest and most inappropriate shit! Some examples: Coming into the coffee shop, talking about and watching my coworkers and I like you're on a bird watch. Taking pictures of us while we're waiting for the bus. Sitting down in the middle of our clearly serious and private conversations, interjecting and then calling us uptight bitches or "unportland" whatever that means when we don't feel like making friends with you right there on the spot. Using colorful words to describe the LGBT community (in one of the most gay friendly cities) and then acting like we're being unreasonable for asking you to please watch your language. It's rude, it's obnoxious and you think we're weird? Because that's fucking bizarre.

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