This Week in the Mercury

A Bigger Broom


A Bigger Broom

As Police Crack Down on Campsites, the Mayor Wants to Double the Cleanup Budget

Getting Nowhere Fast


Getting Nowhere Fast

Portland's Wheelchair Users Still Waiting for Equal Access

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Basket Case

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 2, 2015 at 8:51 AM

I was walking across the Hawthorne Bridge. You were biking on the opposite direction. I had to practically press myself up against the side of the bridge because you were pedaling by with a bike basket that was as wide as the length of an NBA player's casket, so it was a tight squeeze. It's admirable that you commute by bike but please consider downsizing your basket. Pedestrians don't want wicker burns and you are likely to knock over fellow bicyclists as well.

Rock Solid Rock Bottom

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Jun 2, 2015 at 8:50 AM

. I thought you were my rock solid. Now I know you were my rock bottom. I could no longer keep my sanity cemented together. Thank you for being the gravel in my knees that got me to the help I needed. I've joined a 12 Step Program. Then I remembered your last partner had joined one as well after your breakup. Perhaps the two of us will cross paths. I think we can both agree that we are really working 13 Steps, and the first was dating you.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Dating the Homeless

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 4:24 PM

I liked you right away when I met you playing guitar at the food carts. We met up later that night for karaoke. You told me your less than optimal living situation-in an office you were getting evicted from in the Couv. You told me about your military service and ptsd, your struggles with the law and the courts and your ex-wife and gainful employment. We made out, you slept over. I let you store some stuff at my place. Now you think I'm your girlfriend and I'm freaking the fuck out. I can't tell if you're batshit crazy or not. I can't tell if you lie and exaggerate to me or not. I'm trying to be cool and to feel good about helping you, but every cell in my body is telling me to run as far from you as I can. I've been having panic attacks and I think I want this to STOP. You are very kind though, and caring. You want to take care of me. I've been alone for so long. Living alone in my house for so long. I really need you to show me you can get your shit together, okay? I really need to talk to someone about this but I can't tell anyone I'm kind of seeing a homeless guy.

Ass-Hat at Lardo on Sunday

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 9:46 AM

When i said to our group that my b.f.'s stare looked like he was planning on murdering someone, I had no idea he was fixated on you. It wasn't until I was looking for a to-go container for my kimchi, bahn mi, that i discover what a wanna-be you are! He told me his glazed over, Marilyn Manson inspired stare was because you were sitting there mocking me because I said the word 'seriously' in my conversation. 'Seriously....," you quipped to your date ( sorry you have nothing better to offer on a date than a diatribe on your neighbors' vernaculars! ). Actually, I had just learned one of my friends had my DREAM JOB! Not that it would've made fun of me regardless. I just want to apologize to you- I'm sorry that I look amazing in my lavender shirt, while you look pathetic in your ankle boots; I'm sorry that while I sit with people that actually love me, you need to impress your company so desperately that you grab on to others' conversations and beliittle them to inflate your own ego; I'm sorry that my idea of PDX is the freedom to be yourself while your idea of P-TOWN is to elevate yourself at others expense, and I'm sorry that I had the amazing salad with kimchi whilst you ate a bag of dicks! "Seriosly" though- if you got the juevos to shit talk peole at the table behind you, have the juevos to make eycontact with the b.f. staring you down for picking on his beloved. Cheers, limpy!


Sunday, May 31, 2015

Keep Portland (Only My Kind of) Weird

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, May 31, 2015 at 7:27 PM

You know why you are such a joke, because in your outcry for decorum & empathy you showed none. Only displaying your Mean Girls hypertribalism for the world. You're disgusted by two kids taking a selfie, really? Not the fact that people got shot...? Not the blood that was shed. Not lack of safety on our streets? No, let's all bully these seemingly middle class kids because they represent what we don't like about Portland. After all, its not like any teens have ever committed suicide after being publicly shamed right?

You want to complain of gentrification, then show up at a fucking land-use meeting, learn who your state representative is, call the mayor and tell him to stop selling out Portland to his developer friends, attend a local business association meeting. But don't bully kids just because they got caught and you didn't. Don't call out & publicly shame people because you don't understand their actions or because they act differently then you. You want to "Keep Portland Weird" then accept that taking selfies at crime scenes is weird. You want to show how open & accepting of different lifestyles, then do it. But don't be a bully one week and call yourself an ally at Pride the next.

I see why "Portland is dead to you," its because you stepped aside and let it die.
If you don't like "where Portland is headed" or "how its changed over the years" then you only have your own civic impotence to blame.

Yesterday's Apartment Complex Brawl

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, May 31, 2015 at 5:19 PM

Two woman in my apartment complex were screaming and yelling at a teenage girl. The next minute the teenager was on the ground being plummeted by the lady in orange top. Her side kick in green top was trying to stop her, but was screaming at the teenage girl,also.
The teenager was on the ground picking up her belongings, when I looked out my window from above the scene. It all happened so fast, and like a drunken brawl.
Three police officers arrived and talked to the two woman, they kept the teenager back with another squad car.
No one was arrested, I just can't believe these people.
I just hope the teenager is OK.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Harsh Realities or Nursery Rhymes?

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, May 30, 2015 at 8:15 PM

There once was a friendly cat that never even saw that coyote as a threat.
There once were sea lions that paid the price for just trying to survive.
There once was a spider that looked like an ant but was really a spider and got squashed. Nothing against ants.
There once was an ant that never even knew that finger was about the crush it.
Were those ants and spiders scared when they were being washed away and drowned?
There once were butterflies that got chopped up by the lawn mower and then seeing the shredded wings of one, and seeing what was left of the other butterfly as it crawled away with one wing dismembered. Almost shredding up tree frogs too.
There once were rats that didn't know they were eating poison and dying a slow painful death.
Breaks my heart.
I wonder if it hurt.
I wonder if there was fear.
I wonder if they thought they were doing something wrong.

Peas in a Pod

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, May 30, 2015 at 8:15 PM

I don’t know why Christian conservatives and ISIS hate each other so much. They both have medieval religious and societal world views. They both want to oppress women and blame women for the need to oppress them. They both want to use government to impose their religious views on others. They both say God condemns everyone who disagrees with them to hell, but they’re special and going to heaven. They both cherry-pick their religious texts for out-of-context quotes that justify their beliefs and behavior while ignoring anything, no matter how clear, in those texts that condemns those beliefs or behavior. They both are judgmental and condemning of others even when their own behavior and that of their leaders is the same as or worse than the people they are judging and condemning. They both love guns, justify the killing of innocent people, want to kill everyone who disagrees with them, support the death penalty, and start unnecessary wars, all while saying they believe in a religion of peace and love. They both profess to believe in religions that say the meek, humble, poor and peacemakers are blessed and will enter the kingdom of heaven… so they are none of those things. They are both are “tough on crime” and only mention forgiveness and understanding when one of their own is caught. They both reject science. They both get their “news” from priests and media outlets that only tell them what they want to hear and are therefore incredible uniformed about the real world.

You Made My Day and I Thank You!

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, May 30, 2015 at 8:12 PM

This is for the young woman behind me in line at the grocery store on Thursday evening. You did not know me. You did not know I was at the beginning of what has turned out to be a migraine that almost put me in the hospital. You did not know my husband was let go from a 16 year job during the recession and has been working hard to build his own business since then, which leaves us short on money sometimes. What you did know was that my debit card was not accepted. And when I told the cashier that if she held my groceries, I would be back soon to pay another way, you said you would pay for them. When I thanked you, you said someone had done the same for you. I could see you did not want to make a big deal out of it. I wanted to give you a hug and tell you how grateful I was. I have tears in my eyes now just thinking of your generosity. As I was leaving, I said I would do the same for someone else when I could. And when I got to my car, I called and told my husband. The next day I told my best friend. When I get to work tomorrow I will be telling everyone there. What you did could be considered a small gesture, my grocery bill was a little over $20, but it will reverberate in my life for a very long time. Thank you.


I Got a Bit Too Close to Your Car

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, May 30, 2015 at 8:11 PM

I may or may not, but most certainly did, hit your car last night. I left a note, or attempted to leave one; I watched it whisk away as I drove off. It wasn't moving, and they're wasn't anyone in it.
Given all the negativity these days, I thought it prudent to admit to my transgression, here, anonymously, so that it may bring you closure to know that Yes, someone did hit your car, but it was a nice person. A nice person who attempted to leave a note, but was blessed providentially by one of the four winds...
I pray that you may find peace knowing that the mystery of your car is now resolved, and I have heard that Yelp has excellent reviews for auto repair.
Blessings from on high friend,
Peace be with you

Takes One to Know One

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, May 30, 2015 at 8:10 PM

Usually I'm the one in the back of the line wondering why the people at the front of it have their head up their ass. Why are they taking so long? Sometimes its a conversation with the clerk. Sometimes they are just unprepared and not ready. But on this occasion I happened to be the one holding people up. No conversation or not being ready on my part, just making sure the clerk is getting it right. Then 2 people behind me decide to switch lines. So a little shoe switching and table turning, and I think I'm going to be done by the time you get to the other line. And it was true. I also think what's the rush. Strange for me because I'm always the one in the rush. And it was even more silly when I saw the person directly behind me who couldn't wait a few more seconds sitting in her car eating that ice cream. What is the rush? The ice cream? Stomach growling? Will it melt? It is a funny world that way sometimes how mere seconds can mean so much in one case and nothing at all in another. It is a strange world sometimes when perspectives switch and you see things from another vantage point.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Dog Day Afternoon

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, May 29, 2015 at 8:50 PM

This isn't a negative post, so I'm not sure it belongs on here, but I'm writing it anyway. You were in the parking lot at the vet's this afternoon with your dog. As I walked to my truck after picking up my dogs prescription, I saw you leaning into your open car and obviously crying over your pet. I didn't know what to say or do. As I left the parking lot, you made eye contact with me, and I parked my truck again and got out. There was you, two techs and a vet trying to get your dog onto the stretcher. I offered to help but the tech told me there wasn't much I could do.
I asked you if you needed someone to wait with you. You told me no, and that your dog was old, and that you knew this was coming.
I am so sorry for your situation, and truly hope that you are okay. I don't always make the right decisions, and am awkward and weird, but I meant to be comfort to you, and hope that you were able to find that comfort somewhere.

Another Reason I Hate Your Apartment

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, May 29, 2015 at 5:25 PM

We lived here long before the developer overlord purchased the lot across the alley. We hate you—$1800/mo studio owners, as well as those who live there—for all of the usual reasons. And there's this as well: Your building, which "appeals to the individual with an urban heartbeat but loves carefree living," & has "advanced energy-efficient windows, energy-star rated appliances, and zero-low VOC components as well as thoughtfully designed living space including stunning quartz or granite countertops" but seems to be populated with carefree urban cigarette smokers. You don't let them smoke within 25 feet of your granite countertops, so the motherfuckers are constantly lurking on the neighbors' property to smoke, or hovering just behind the fence. And, like the green cool hipsters that they are, they leave their toxic butts behind, all over the place. Hundreds of cigarette butts, on the driveways, in the alleys, everywhere except your fucking building's boundaries. "Thoughtfully design" these fuckers a smoking yard.

Stupid is...

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, May 29, 2015 at 5:24 PM

You are 22, didn't graduate from high school, are lacking in anything that could be considered common sense, impregnated the first chick that would agree to the idea of having a child with basically a homeless person, can't keep a job for more than a month, and now you want yet another child? Why, so the last one you had taken away and put into a foster home will have someone to play with when the same thing happens again?

You are a complete idiot and need to be sterilized, lest your defective seed finds purchase in yet another poor soul.


An Oatmeal Testimony

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, May 29, 2015 at 9:22 AM

You ruined my life red beard. You had a family already, 2 degrees, and working on your third. None of that was enough for you! you came into my life and fucking raped it in the name of your god.
I left my degree to support her through hers, I took two jobs to pay our mortgage, and pay her grad school, working service jobs and running a kitchen, All to keep the only good thing I had in my life, to hold on for dear life, for a quarter of what you had. A fucking fraction of the happiness you just fucking fell into, I fought for it everyday to watch you destroy it for kicks and giggles. The smart ones are all the same, you've never worked a fucking day in your life and you think deserve nothing but sunshine.
'I'm a sucker, whipped, codependent, etc.' You know what? I don't care, I had a reason to get up, a reason to live, you privileged sack of quaker shit. Take your blood-splattered, toga-tattered, hippie turned GOP turncoat excuse of a god of yours, and get the fuck out of my life. All of you.

Lava Cake Lookie-Loo

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, May 29, 2015 at 8:14 AM

I just wanted to eat my sandwich, on a night off, in my neighborhood bar. You fixated at me upon you arrival, and I actually leaned back in my chair a bit so that a bar lamp would block your gaze. Instead, you readjusted and even tucked your wedding band arm beneath the other. You ordered lava cake, and champagne, and I caught you watching me four times. After fifteen minutes of ignoring your sockets, I opened my tuna-melt mouth and said, "Your wife doesn't want you staring at me either." You tried to play it off. Here's the thing: Silent harassment is still harassment. But you didn't make me lose my appetite, because fuck boys don't have any good taste.

You Deserve an Apocalypse

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, May 29, 2015 at 8:14 AM

Three children were shot in my neighborhood tonight. As three children hid in a mercado, white portlanders were taking selfies by police tape and protesting the artisanal ice cream shop being shut down.

I have never seen a more glaring example of white privilege, what gentrification does to a community, and how bad portlanders on the whole are terribly narcissistic, awful, downright evil people.

If you were on Alberta and whined about not getting your ice cream tonight while three children bled from gunshot wounds 500 feet from your shitty me generation griping, you deserve nothing less than a pack of wild dogs eating you because that is officially all you are good for. Fuck you and your unborn grandchildren.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Who Runs This Place?

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, May 28, 2015 at 9:22 PM

Seriously, is the city doing any enforcement of the city codes at all? They let in Airbnb after getting all kinds of promises about compliance. Less than 6% of people listing actually register with the city as required. What does the city do? Nothing. There are actually companies in Portland advertising that they help out of town owners, out of state owners, and multiple listing owners manage their Airbnb properties. All of which violates the law. (Unless you know of a way a person can live in their unit the reqired 9 mounts each year and do those things.) Again, what does the city do about these completely open violations? Oh yeah, nothing. Members of the city council do go on the news to brag about how the are going to spend over 40mil of taxpayers'money on low income housing because their isn't enough. Wonder why not.
After that success with Airbnb abiding by the law, the city lets in the TNCs. Because who is more reliable than Uber who had already broken the law? Now their are Uber cars in cab stands, Uber cars picking up street hails, Uber drivers soliciting personal business, not a single TNC wheelchair vehicle, and illegal cabs everywhere. All of this completely blatant conduct is illegal during the 120 trial period. The city is using the same enforcement technique they are using with airbnb, doing nothing. Luckily they are still charging the taxi companies the higher fees they raised supposedly to pay for enforcement. What a fucking joke!

World War Comments

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, May 28, 2015 at 8:22 PM

It's been great to see the hatred within the comments towards the bloggers and each other die down recently since the intervening from the editors. Thanks editors. But please learn how to read and understand the meaning of very specific words and written language before you start correcting us on our own grammar. How can you possibly believe you know more when you can't read?


Tight, Bro!

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, May 28, 2015 at 4:33 PM

I'm sure it has been discussed before on here, but I don't know about it.
First, Pants around your knees is awesome.
And what's even more awesome is the tightest possible pants ever, for boys or girls. The tighter the pants around the calves, the hipper you are. I would just love to watch you people dress. The only point to this is that you cannot possible be wearing underwear, boxers, or briefs with the tightness that you are wearing. One, we would see an outline, and two, it would not be comfortable wearing anything with that tight shit on. I have a hard time with briefs for jeans. So you must be commando? And all I think about is how your pussy or dick juice or ass stains are on the front and back of your pants. And I'm sure those jeans are not getting washed. Surly they aren't being dried so you can keep fitting into them. But maybe a sting thong works well, for boys or girls. But a sting thong is not protection in my wardrobe vocabulary. Damn you got style.

The Grocery Store Wars

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, May 28, 2015 at 4:12 PM

New Seasons Market: Why go there? All you people keep bitching about it and probably still go there. Why? Because it's cool or has the freshest, most local, and healthy products. That's why. You live in Portland and shop in places like that because it is so "Portland."
But I'm happy with Freddies. And if it's not Freddies, then Winco fucking rules. Then Safeway. I haven't shopped at Albertsons. Then there's Whole Foods and Zupans and whatever else is out there. But Freddies and Winco is the way for me. Maybe I'm too poor for other places. Maybe I'm just real, but I'm far from normal in my means and thinking. Portland just conforms to places like NSM and think that is the normal way of life. Well the Freddies and Wincos I've been in are where real Portland is doing their grocery shopping. Funny how weird is supposed to be different, but Portland is all the same. Weird is mainstream and there is nothing weird to me about it. Some homeless dude in his truck playing guitar while being amplified under the 205 bridge, and playing to no one. Nah, the buskers on Alberta or Hawthorne is where it's at. I still didn't quite get how that homeless man had a huge speaker working without electricity. And he was playing for zero attention. I also don't get how the same product can be most expensive at Safeway, then cheaper at Freddies, and a bargain at Winco. How the fuck does that work? All you people just want attention. And that is weird.

For the Children

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, May 28, 2015 at 4:12 PM

I'm not doing it.
It's an ethical decision at this point. Kids are precious little miracles could be an argument.
But they are fucking little monsters.
Shit and piss in their diapers. How precious.
Snot, chocolate and fries over every surface. So cute.
Hanging on things and screaming and screeching like a monkey. Joyful.
Moms and Dads why do you do it? Then you have more. Then you complain, and cannot wait for them to grow up and leave the house. They make you broke with their greed for stupid toys. If they don't get it, watch the baby cry. The only way I'm having a kid at this point is by accident.
I never met a cat I didn't like.
I see monsters every day.
I'm not doing it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Half-Ass Full-Sleeve

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, May 27, 2015 at 10:01 PM

As a former 15yo, I too thought to myself "yeah man! I'm gonna get me some full sleeve tattoos"!
Well, I never did.
But knowing myself, had i started, I would have done it fully to completion. And then some.
Which brings me to my gripe: what is it with the droves of dudes who start with an outline, maybe get a little color etc. and then that's it?! For years!!! C'mon man! Finish that shit! Don't quit now! You can do it, you almost have the costume you need for living in this town!

Driving School: Failure

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, May 27, 2015 at 10:01 PM

Dear almost everyone in Portland: LEARN HOW TO FREAKIN DRIVE!!! The rate at which serious car related injuries and deaths is growing here sickens me. I don't care whether you drive a car, bus, bike, motorcycle, wheelchair, stroller or dog sled- you still SUCK AT IT. We are other human beings, not obstacles in your personal private playground, so stop acting so antisocial behind the wheel and pay more attention. Use your turn signals! Google the meaning of the word "YIELD"! Make decisions BEFORE getting in the middle of the intersection for chrissake! All of you need remedial driving school, maybe several times over. And for those of you who get off on the sense of power and aggression your giant SUV gives you... I've got news for you buddy. Everyone has to get out of their vehicle sometime. Everyone has to cross a street, sometime. And when you do... Pray you don't meet another asshole in an even bigger road bully monster truck than yours.

Pants Don't Fit

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, May 27, 2015 at 12:44 PM

You were standing at the Hollywood Fred meyer checkout line with an arm full of foodstuff, narrowly all of it being dropped to the floor. Panting like a dog after a long hot walk, you stumble to an open self checkout. One chef boyarde can drops and you bent over to pick it up. My carefree day instantly comes to a halt as I bare witness to the unholiest of sights. Your hairy ass crack peaking above ill-fitting jeans, which are of course, unsupported by one of those fancy shmancy, sophisticated devices called a belt. I should say your waddling technique is either an ingenious method of locomotion that allows you to bypass all laws of contemporary attire or it is a shameful byproduct of the ever decreasing standards of our society which inadvertently causes said devolutionizing physical handicap and public eyesore. I'm not going to debate on the cause and effect relationship, nature vs. nurture, or even the ethical questions that can be raised on how to deal with people like you. Just here to inform you of how your nasty ass, half-exposed buttocks are totally ruining my grocery shopping experience. Maybe you thought you were at Walmart.

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