Let the "We failed teh childrenz" or "suck it drug pushers" rants begin!

"Tall grass and weeds downgrade the appearance of our neighborhood. Please keep those places trimmed around your trees and shrubs. Also, please remove the unsightly pile of boards which have been in your driveway for months. Thank you. Let's take pride in our neighborhood."

I don't know who wrote this note (in cursive, if that matters), and slipped it under my front door at 10:30 PM last Sunday. I also don't know why that person didn't sign the note, nor why they scuttled away so quickly when I got off the couch and drew back the front curtain.

Neighbors talk. Neighborhoods, not so much. As a neighbor, I could offer you grammar and composition lessons in exchange for the use of your weed-eater, but I don't know which property to entirely scrutinize...

We 30 plus people all share only one toilet and one urinal stall. That's us and thats it. You are always in there. "pooping"? Doubtful. We hear your phone noises and heavy breathing. You like it in there. Possible club house?

When you walk into the restroom( another gross misreprensation) and decide to sit, naked ass, and poop. For wayyyyy too long, do you get a little excited beforehand? I mean, here you go! Its your time to sit naked on a circle with your rectum hovering over a pool of water. Yay! Time is now irrelevant and other people are out!

Heres the thing, anyone comes into this bathroom,the very first thing we ALL notice is your shoes, poopy.

You really, really like sitting on the toilet huh?. All naked. Just to play with your IPhone? A time out? Whatever, your pants around your ankles and your constant sniffing says otherwise Crapster McGee.

Why can't everyone just be honest with each other? I wouldn't feel like this if he had just been honest with me from the beginning. If his intention was to not hurt me then it didn't work. I'm much more hurt now finding out on my own, than if he would have just told me. Now I face a dilemna. Do I let him get away with it? Do I disappear into the background like he's hoping? Or do I tell him what's up? Would it help? Would he quit doing this to people?

To the three people who yelled "Hey, Catch!" and threw an unopened penis pump our way...my buddy and I thought it was hilarious. We were next to Sheridans so you may have come from Taboo (?) Either way it was truly a nice gesture, dear fellows. The following night, when my girlfriend came over I told her the story. She asked if I kept it and where it was. It was under the bed and we tried it out. She used it on me. I don't quite know what the fuck those things are supposed to be used for but we had the best sex we'd had in a long time. So thanks guys and gal! Keep throwing random shit at people!

I’m sorry if we rock out too hard in my apartment two floors down. My boyfriend works full time and is student teaching 5 days a week, yesterday was his first day off in three weeks. I promise you that should you come down, knock on the door and ask us to stop whatever it is that is making you so upset, we will do that while being very apologetic. Sliding note cards under my door so that I can wake up to “Seriously guys? I can hear you 2 floors up. Please be considerate.” And “You are getting beyond ridiculous. I have to finish writing my thesis by tomorrow. Thanks for nothing.” Is immature, passive- aggressive bullshit. Lets have a conversation. I don’t care if you lay the holy verbal smack down on me as long as it’s neighbor to neighbor.
I would especially like to have the conversation about yesterday, my boyfriend was home and I’m sure loud as shit from 8am-8pm and then we were out until 11pm. We may have been drunk and loud for the twenty minutes before we went to bed. I don’t feel bad for you having to listen to the thudding of music from two floors down during the daytime. You live in college housing. I’m assuming you just moved in here. You’re in for a surprise when you find out that a lot of your neighbors enjoy bumpin techno music until 2am.

I left you a note explaining this. I tapped it above the mailboxes so hopefully in the future you’ll handle the situation differently.
Don’t be a bitch.

So there I was, learning to drive when I take a wrong turn and end up on Marine drive - the stretch of Marine Drive that goes on for miles without a turn off. I'm forced to go 45 mph when I had gone no more than 20 before. I shake off my anxiety, and just go for it. I'm doing great! And then you start riding my ass. You, in that big ass, "I have a small dick so I need a big vehicle" truck. I'm barely keeping it together going the speed limit, and all you can do is ride your ass like it's a butt plug. Of course I'm going to get nervous! Of course I might start to swerve! But fuck you if you think I'm going over the fucking speed limit! Fuck you and that ugly bitch next to you. I hope she's not your wife! Because, yeah, she's got to be the most unsatisfied woman on the fucking planet!
When I finally found a place to pull off, you yelled "Idiot!" I took it as a badge of honor. You have initiated me. Now go see a doctor about your small dick, for the sake of your ugly wife.

You know that one person who, who meant everything to you? That one person who drove you to feel everything? Every day at 8:30am, on their own?
They feel so perfect because everything they say, they say everything you could only have ever dreamed of? Their selfish, convinces your feelings, that’s it’s okay, and you do it?
And then one day, they just walk away?

Over a full year later, I still do not forgive you!

Sincerely,
I just wanted a hug. (You fucked my shit up)

Hopefully now you'll decide to stop driving a car and get a bike for so many reasons including the amazing benefit of likely not killing anymore cats. That sweet and brilliant little fuzzball changed how I feel about animals as pets, and showed me the immense love and kindness that my girlfriend had for the world and its inhabitants. It especially sucks that we have to ride past the place where she became kitten soup every time we leave our home. I hope that you're not as devastated as we are, because that would be awful. But I do hope that in some small way this motivates a change in your life because it really doesn't make sense for so many people to drive these huge vehicles around everywhere when most of the time they're just going to a mini mart, or post office or something. Get a bike and break free. Oh and by the way, if you haven't ever scooped up a splattered animal from the road with a shovel, it's a pretty emotional experience that I hope you never have to go through. She's buried at the bluffs if you'd ever like to go let her know that you're sorry.

Mini-Skirt Wearing Ladies of Portland (I'm assuming ladies of America at this point, really): CROSS YOUR LEGS!

I am sick of sitting on public transit and having your cooter shoved in my line of sight. I'm sure all the dudes on the train are checking you out because you're just so cute. Or maybe it's just your cooter hanging out.

I guess our generation wasn't taught how to sit like a lady. Google it on your smartphone, skank!

There are many, many ways to get rid of your unwanted stuff. Putting your green couch, 10 year old CPU, outdated TV on the street in the rain is the worst way. You are not doing anyone but your lazy self a favor. If it was ugly in your house, it's now ugly for a lot more people to see. They don't call them white trash for nothing.

...Where are you going to move to, then?

What part of "We'll be closing in 10 minutes" made you think starting a Scrabble game was a good idea? There is an alarming trend in Portland with people thinking it's okay to sit in a restaurant 30 minutes after close. Who does that? I bet you clock off precisely at 5 o'clock from your shitty desk job. Yes we will serve you up til last call, but seriously, that doesn't mean you're welcome to stay past close. When the bartender, chef, waitstaff and dishwasher are all sitting at the bar staring at you, waiting for their shift drink, don't you feel just a little out of place? The music is off, the lights are uncomfortably bright and we all JUST WANT TO LEAVE! This has got to stop Portland. Do we have to send up flares?!? Just pay your bill and GET THE FUCK OUT! We don't need your crappy $3 tip.

I don't see you every day, but sometimes when walking home you give me the nicest smile. It's the kind of smile you'd want to get from your grandpa. And it brightens my day every time. But I somehow never see you coming and I always catch it at the last minute and I'm afraid my return smile doesn't measure up. Sorry about that.
I could never tell you how much it brightens my day because then it would be all weird and you'd probably start walking a different way each day. So I'm putting it here, even though you probably don't read this crappy newspaper. (Though it has, admittedly, improved with the departure of Sarah Mirk.)
So thanks again for putting a smile on my face, too, often when I need it most. They say you never know about all the people in life you have in impact on. Maybe somehow, now you'll know about one. :)

It's not that the poor don't appreciate a free meal, even if it is just rescue food that is too close to expiration for the stores to actually sell it. Even having to listen to a sermon and off beat out of key musical performances of the top five modern worship tunes, incessantly isn't the worst of it. No, the most frustrating experience is to have to listen to how simple and easy it is to be saved, over and over and over, as if we never heard about that before. Most poor know the Bible better than most volunteers and wanabe preachers. The thing that really gives Christians a bad name is that they don't give any real Charity. The chapels are empty six days per week and all night every night, while the poor get harassed for sleeping on dog shit in park.

For years I've seen the way you saunter into Portland's many establishments waving your big dick credit account around thinking it grants you the key to our city like some fucking playground made JUST FOR YOU solely for the purpose of you "impressing" clients from out of town. Guess what? You're all a bunch of dicks. You've got money to spend? great! So do the rest of the people in those establishments- people who haven't made it off of the backs of sweat-shop workers, people trying to go out, have a good night, a decent meal, a good conversation.. BUT NO. No one has a good time when you bombard establishments with your shitty groups of raging dick wads so full of entitlement that you feel compelled to alienate customers and staff alike with your big fat egos. And when you don't get everything exactly how you want it, regardless of an establishment's policy, you feel the need to wave your Nike flag around like you're king shit of fuck mountain. Too bad you can't spend some of that blood money on buying yourselves some human decency or an ounce of class.

And shame on you, Portland for letting these fucks get away with it for so long.

Fuck you, Nike. Fuck you in your stupid shitty coke-rage-filled faces. Die in a fire, already.

No, this isn't the usual rant about Portland being too hipsterish or tall bikes or whatever. It's just about people being fucking dicks.

To the couple with backpacks on the bus this afternoon, that woman had some kind of disability and she just really wanted to talk to someone about Transformers. Your refusal to talk back to her makes you a fucking dick. I hope your stupid smug little traveling faces get treated with as much indifference as you showed her. Also, I can guarantee my opinion of you is much lower than yours of her.

To the idiot kid who stole from the homeless couple. You're fucking despicable. You and your friends. They're a nice couple, they're trying really hard to get off the streets. They want jobs. They want a place to live. They had $100 and you fucking took it from them. And to you swanky restaurant famous for its desserts, let the guy charge his phone. Fuck. Oh and fancy ice cream place? You have no fucking place to be complaining about people blocking the sidewalk. It's not a crime to be homeless. We got rid of one of our actual problems. They're not it.

I hope you all rot in hell on earth and when you need someone to be kind to you, or charity, people turn their backs on you like you do to them.

You know, it's that time of year again. The weather turning nice, the rain is going away, people are bringing out their shorts and flip-flops. It's also the time of year when you see more White people with locs.

Dreadlocks that is. Apparently it's socially acceptable again. I see your pasty ass at the farmer's market, walking down Division, on campus, by the waterfront...Your nasty hair dangling like cat turds from your skull.

Get it together! Your hair wasn't meant to do that and you just look nasty!

(P.S. Vikings and Germanic people didn't count because that was a Suebian knot and it was a nasty big old lump of hair hanging off your forehead.)

To the man who berated me in a PSU bathroom for not washing my hands after taking a piss: the intense level of anger you demonstrated while repeatedly shouting: “wash your Hands! that is fucking disgusting! you touched your PENIS!” caught me too off guard to do much more than laugh at you and call you a fucking nut. And while I stand by my initial assessment, I do wish I had said more.
You were right. I did touch my penis. But, thanks to the auto-flush urinals, that is all I touched. My penis is the cleanest. I wager that more germs can be found on that bathroom’s (non-automated, mind you) sink handles than on the skin o my dick (not to mention the environmental cost of the extra water, soap, dryer/towel). Public-poopers use those handles (FYI, I am not a total barbarian — I wash after shitting, or whenever the urinal has a manual flusher).
Enough about my habits — what about you, Mr. Bathroom police? Do you scrub your hands after everytime you touch your dick? If one of your sausage fingers accidentally brushes your junk while changing clothes — is it a race to the soap? Do you only allow your penis to be touched by others if there is sanitation station nearby?
If you answered “no” to the above questions, then quit holding strangers’ bathroom habits to a higher standard than you hold yourself to. If you answered “yes” to the above questions — well, I don’t know — maybe you have a filthy dick and you should go wash it. In the meantime, quit watching other people pee

Recently my advertising agency ended a long relationship with a cigarette company, and I’m relieved.

For over 25 years we devoted ourselves to peddling a product for which good work is irrelevant, because people can’t stop themselves from buying it. A product that never improves, that causes illness, and makes people unhappy. But there was money in it. A lot of money. In fact, our entire business depended on it. We knew it wasn’t good for us, but we couldn’t stop.

And then, when they moved their business elsewhere, I realized, here was my chance to be someone who could sleep at night, because I know what I’m selling doesn’t kill my customers.

The argument for putting fluoride in water is for the children. That is the *only* 'legitimate' argument for fluoride. Let's ignore the fact that fluoride has been proven to deteriorate the enamel of teeth in children. Just for a second.

I recently read an incredibly IGNORANT article in 'The Mercury', in which, the ONLY arguments presented, were COUNTER arguments. The author of this garbage presented his bullshit in a SEMI articulate fashion. EXCEPT, they forgot to make an argument of their own!

What the fuck is reasonable about this situation? The Mercury didn't pose a single argument on its own merits, but wanted to counter…counter arguments? Does the Mercury remember that our water is already, NOT POISONED? Do they remember, that the argument being made is to POISON our water, not the other way around? There is no legitimate, scientific argument FOR fluoride. Only half assed arguments against it.

Let's be intellectually honest. Harvard found children that drink flouride are SIGNIFICANTLY less intelligent via IQ tests. Children that drink flouride have shown significant enamel decay.

Let's also ignore that if you want the benefits of this BIPRODUCT, that it is readively available in NON-digestive forms via mouthwash, and toothpaste formulas that ARE PROVIDED BY THE STATE TO POOR CHILDREN ALREADY.

What the fuck are you pro-fleuride people all about? Cause to me, you all look like gigantic fucking douchebag sheep. The Mercury should be ashamed of itself.

The weather is fair. Perfect day for a bike ride!

I would like to request that individuals who decide to stretch their ears:
At Least! Have some kernel of knowledge about the origin and meaning behind this custom.
Look Up the term "Cultural Appropriation"
Check yourself.
Thank you.

To the grammar-obsessed human snob who pooped his or her diaper about all the "wrong" ways people like to speak and spell:
Not everyone is a spelling bee champ. Get over it. It sounds like you were able to sort out the terrifying wrath of misspelled shipping labels that ruined your day. Try exercising some tolerance.
What is more concerning is that you don't seem to realize that slang is not indicative of stupidity or inferiority.
Slang serves as an "in speak" for subcultures, identifying individuals as part of a group- individuals who may exist as a minority in their culture. This gives people a sense of belonging, even if you don't approve.
You probably use words that were once slang, once considered obnoxious or even crude, without thinking about it. I like poor grammar. I like slang. It makes life interesting. Try it.

I confess, it was me, not you nor your slobbery smoochy kissing partner. You two sat down in front of me during previews at the Roseway some years ago and immediately demonstrated your reason for being there - to go at it with abandon. I regret what happened, but not the look on your faces as the predictable result of my consuming one too many Taco Bell bean concoctions was silently released and the unexpected, hugely nasty odor wafted past your saliva-smeared faces and met your nostrils, your erotic moment ruined. I'm sorry, but thanks for the often replayed memory of comedic relief. If you could've only seen your faces. One thing I will say to make up for being a party pooper: Never trust Mercury movie reviews. They must hold their farts uncomfortably too long as their reviews often reflect a gaseous judgment.