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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Don't Pledge

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 1:33 PM

I almost didn't want to see you stumbling and waving your arms in my neighbor's yard, but then you fell over onto some decorative rocks (ow!!) and I saw you grimacing in pain. You sat up and looked like you were trying to drink water. But I was wrong. It was a can of Pledge. You lurched into the street arms flailing wildly and then you hunkered down in the church parking lot. 911 dispatch was polite to me as I said, "I'm just worried they may causing permanent damage." — "Well, it probably is permanent. But you did the right thing by calling." The last thing I saw was you waving to me with the second can of Pledge lodged in your lips like a metallic teat of 82nd despair.

Gummy Benz

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 1:32 PM

I spit my gum out my car window on NW 23rd but it didn't land on the windshield of your shiny mercedes benz. I wish it landed there and rolled into the crevasse of your wiper blades where your fingernails would have to pry it out. Maybe you would use a stick or pay somebody to do it.
I had not the foresight to plan such a move. Instead my gum sailed uselessly in front of your car. We could have shared a laugh together as we realized the folly of it all. Or you might have cursed soundlessly with your windows up. But i always think of these things too late.

And not because you drive a car that reminds me you have much more money than me. This and you drive it on 23rd. I was only returning from a urologist appointment, you may have been going somewhere much better. Or worse! Season's greetings this time. Next time, the gum.

On Christmas and Parking

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 12:37 PM

Dear Portland:

Every year, you push me to "Buy Local!" You know why I don't buy local? Because all the local shops don't have sufficient fucking parking. I have to park my car up the ass of someone else's car or driveway and worry that I'm going to get hit or towed.

And NO, I'm not going to ride the bus for an hour (because driving my car is kinda why I fucking bought it) and then get nasty looks when I need an extra seat on the bus for the fucking presents I bought.

Yes, I know this is a first world problem. My first-worldness can go indulge in the over-commercialism of Christmas somewhere that has sufficient first fucking world parking. Spencers and Fuego have the same snarky, ironic bullshit you all think you’re so unique for stocking and I can get a parking space for miles.

Merry fucking Christmas, hipsters.

Uneventful into Eventful

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 12:25 PM

You know what? maybe I’ve been out of shape lately. I think I could really use some marathonic athletic sessions. I used to be very active with my work which made me run from one part of the city to the other carrying my working tools and overall practice, maybe more than 10 hours a day it’s what kept me from going full rust in this hiatus. Since I was very busy doing some other insignificant work various activities of different sorts would be best. Late at night I come home and find a book or an interesting reality tv show and wander off in the night with it but it has turned uneventful. I have a digital Ankh picture collection and it’s one of my “hobbies” because like my work it takes all of my time. Which I guessed it would be my trinity from what I listened. Only not religious here. I guess this is a call for people waiting for stuff to happen and just do it.


Because the Buckman Party Don't Stop

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 10:02 AM

I've known and had a crush on you from the dog park for years now, but could never tell if you're interested or just a solidly great guy. Both? I saw you recently at night, maybe the first time it's ever been just you and me... and I've been kicking myself for cutting the conversation short ever since. I go there most nights now, hoping to run into you, with beer + cozy, again. Speed up the process and come say hi?

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

University of Portland Entitled Brats

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Dec 16, 2014 at 10:33 AM

Yeah, we get it. Your helicopter parents are so proud of you going to U of P. I'm sure they pay out the ass for your tuition, and I'm sure you feel entitled to it. However, the school installed a crosswalk on Willamette with a big flashing light so you precious snowflakes would have a safe place to cross. Unfortunately, you choose to dart out into traffic in the dark everywhere EXCEPT the designated crosswalk. I almost cream one of you little pukes daily. Part of the path to adulthood is having some accountability for your actions and acting responsible. Most kids learn about traffic safety in 1st grade. Too bad you weren't paying attention during that lesson.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Threatening Behavior

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Dec 15, 2014 at 7:14 PM

Dear male driver of the silver sedan on NW Savier and 24th avenue,
Why didn't you wait for me to cross the street - at night - when I'm loaded down with groceries - Why instead did you choose to floor it and drive your car toward me until we were only a foot apart? Did you want to threaten me? Were you trying to tell me something?
Well, here is what I want to tell you. I don't know when and where to cross the street if you don't obey any traffic laws. Use your turn signal! And let a pedestrian finish crossing the street before you enter the intersection and scare a girl in the middle of the night!
Thank you!

Dude, Your Boyfriend is a Pedophile!!

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Dec 15, 2014 at 7:13 PM

I"m pretty sure that you don't know this, but everyone you meet who knows him, knows he his a paedophile. Your boyfriend spent 3 years in prison for possession and transfer of child porn involving 5 year olds, the details of which are more horrifying that anything you can imagine. The facts of his case have been posted on-line by the Feds and you can find out the grusome details yourself if you look hard enough.
Everytime I see you out, I feel bad for you. There is a reason why everyone of his 'friends' say their hellos without making eye contact, then move slowly to the opposite end of the room. People aren't avoiding him because of you, people are avoiding him because of him.

Three years in prision does a lot to someone, most likely a disease or three. I'm not sure of my ethical responsibility to tell you, for your sake an protection, but if you have a bad feeling about someone, trust your instinct. Just because someone has charm and charisma, it doesn't make them a good person. If you have your doubts, Google USA vs {insert last name here}.

Just like the dentist, you may want to avoid eating three hours prior and three hour after.

You're Going To Give People HIV, Dude!

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Dec 15, 2014 at 1:06 PM

Dear Random Dude: On December 12th, I saw you fall flat on your face by that restaurant in Downtown Portland. Now, getting a bloody nose in public is one thing, but when people are trying to help you, the best thing you can do is accept their help. I saw you ditch them and run off. Who knows where you ran off to, but running off with a bloody nose is just wrong. I'll close this by mentioning that I hope you're OK now, but remember this: Next time you get a bloody nose in public, don't ditch people who want to help you. If it's happened before, then I don't blame you, but otherwise don't try to give people HIV.


Tooling Around

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Dec 15, 2014 at 9:37 AM

Yo! I missed you yet again! I waited for the bus for over nineteen minutes last Thursday; I got on a bus that would only take me seven blocks & I would have to walk seven blocks home. So I was a bit irked when the bus kept opening the front door ( five times: once for a invisible person, the rest for people running for the bus). As the bus was about to leave the intersection I saw you in your Tool tee, long wavy dirty blond hair looking as good as I ever remembered. Now I didn't want to leave the intersection but get off & chat you up. I almost press my nose to the window & let out an inaudible agh! I got off the next stop & ran back to find no trace of you Mr. Tool!
The last time I saw you on the bus (in mid August) I sat right across you, wrote you a note then I gave it to you as you were leaving. You smiled like a Cheshire cat, what pretty teeth, I would love you to bite me! That night I got off two stops later to find you walking towards me but you passed by without a word. I thought that was the end of that. I saw you again in September with two Didgeridoos but you boarded the bus behind me. I wish to share a pot of tea with you or chat you up Mr. Tool ( Goth, Dark & Handsome )

Sunday, December 14, 2014


Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Dec 14, 2014 at 7:42 PM

dude your misfit tree was 58 dollars. That's why i walked off your lot. Ironically the name of your business phonetically is Two Fools Nursery. I did not want to add to the collection of fool so I made haste.
Have fun trying to sell your deer-munched fir abortions to wealthy white westies.
I will burn some dinosaurs driving to the outskirts to cut my own but at least it will not be almost brown and stunted. You sir, are a yuletide abomination!

Holiday Entertainment for White Folks

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Dec 14, 2014 at 3:22 PM

I'm not the only old white lady who has noticed that attendance at portland's "cultural" events far exceed the racial percentages of whites to blacks in our city. The symphony, opera, what have you are always 98% white folks. We know it.
But the holiday extravaganza currently at the gerding theater screams of Clubhouse entertainment. Any indication of the existence of a common American culture shared by our mutual existence in ye olde USA was non-existent. We be white and that's all there is to it, rock on. Depresses the hell out of me and not just for the jolly holiday season.

Plenty of Fish

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Dec 14, 2014 at 1:49 PM

As I am sitting in a coffee shop sipping my addiction while viewing my last impulsive notion, which is to look at a dating site. I'm pondering some important questions. I mean the most important one, is why am I doing this? And secondly, why are so many single men holding up fish in their pictures? I mean hundreds of men holding up various types of fish? I am not able to see what other women might be posting, but I can't imagine they are holding up shopping bags. Oh, look perfect stranger! My new shoes! No, I can't imagine that women are doing this at all. So, why fish? Is it just a throw back to the earlier days when a hunting and gathering man would be appealing to a women, as a provider. Or is it the new version of "look how big my fish is"…hint, hint?
I have no intention on following though with any of this. I think for me it's just a way to view what is potentially out there and make me feel better about my decision to just sit here in a coffee shop alone drinking coffee until I reach a healthy caffeine induced agitation. I passed the hypomanic phase that my morning cup of joe often causes about 25 minutes ago. My mood went from thinking the world is fantastic, I'm going to run for office in 2015, to pondering my lack of ability to put together a list for the grocery store. So, for now I will sit, sip and let my mind simmer with many unanswered questions. And the most pressing one at the present is why am I now hungry for fish?

Your Thieving Soul

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Dec 14, 2014 at 1:48 PM

I don't get it. Who goes to artists markets and steals shit? From artists? Do you take that stuff home and go "yeah, fuck those guys, I really stuck it to those creative people trying to make a living?" Do you exhibit the stolen work with pride? Are you stoked you just stole a month's worth of groceries from their children? Part of me wants to find you and beat you until you need to get airlifted to the hospital, but in reality I really want to find you and make you stay up until 3am every night of the week for months pouring your heart into your work, pack it up, haul to some market, sit in a booth selling it for 12 hours a day, and then have some shitty excuse for a human being steal that work from you so you get nothing for your labor. Fuck you from the bottom of my heart. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck forgiveness, I hope nothing good ever happens to you again for the rest of your life.


Working Interview or Free Labor?

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Dec 14, 2014 at 10:06 AM

We all are aware that there are quite a few of us out there looking for work in the food service industry because...well, that's what we're most experienced in. So many unemployed servers and bartenders in this town, sheesh! Well, let's say you are a bar owner and you want to select a few applicants to come in for an hour long work interview to show you their skills. And you let this person work for you for that hour, you keep the tips they bring in, and that's it. A free drink after the work interview would be nice, at least. And to add insult to injury, you can't even take a minute to call them back later to inform them as to whether they got the job or not. No, you would rather let them sit around, wondering if they might be able to eat or pay their rent this month until ultimately they come to the conclusion that they did not get the position because some douche never bothered to call them back and let them know. When someone comes in and gives you an hour of their time to work for you for free in hopes of making it a permanent thing, please have the decency to call them back, even if it's bad news.

RIP Tamir Rice

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Dec 14, 2014 at 10:05 AM

Twelve minutes elapsed between the call and the response and not a single person had so much as been threatened or a shot fired. From the video no one was even in the park at the time they arrived. They could have circled the park from a distance and observed the situation that no one was in imminent danger. They could have called for back up, talked to him on the microphone, and got out of the car to be in a prepared position to engage without making sudden movements. Doing this they probably would realized the kid was not trying to hurt anyone.

Instead they did not pull up, they flew up on him suddenly and within 10 ft, making it such that now the officer has no choice but to jump out of the car in order to be in a ready position. They caused a reaction. They instigated a conflict. Consequently a twelve year old kid has just been murdered and they will get away with it.

They are not held to standards like we are. They lack training and accountability. Cops at PSU just got the go head to arm themselves. These security guards will be required to go through 4 whole months of training. I feel safer already.

"You Don't Fit Here"

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Dec 14, 2014 at 10:05 AM

I parked a Car2Go in front of your house near 15th & Dekum and you obliviously posted an angry personal note on the windshield exclaiming “respect the neighborhood”, obviously misunderstanding the concept already. Luckily I returned to the same car some hours later to find it. Get with the times grandma/grandpa. Portland is changing whether we like it or not and vehicles smaller than your three broken down conversion vans exist, and your neighborhood ain’t what it used to be. “Kids” are gonna be driving’ around in new fangled gokarts and putting’ them where they fit with two feet of clearance on either side like i did, hopefully. Maybe, if you don’t want these future cars parking on your block you should position your dinosaur collection more appropriately or realize that in five years you’re gonna be dead and soon after hundreds of these little cars are gonna be parked outside the condo building that resides where your shit little home used to be.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Class of 2014

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Dec 12, 2014 at 4:03 PM

The votes are in, and they are unanimous.

Most Popular: Todd "baby cheeks" Mecklem
Most Likely to Succeed: Chunty "smiles" McHutchence
Most Athletic: Medicated "misfire" Marine
Most Intelligent: Hayley "bangs" FreakinRules
Most Funny: Boober "melons" Mcdoober
Most Original (A.K.A) Most delusional: snicky doodedumdum
Most Creepy: Ding Dong Stevens
Most Angry: lyle "ear burns"
Most Annoying: Assisse "pigeon head"
Most Artistic (A.K.A.) Most Narcissistic: forwhom "who" thebelltrolls
Most Confused: Aestro "I'm special"

Congratulations Losers!

Keep Honking, Morons

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Dec 12, 2014 at 2:36 PM

So when I cruise past you on my bike and blow the red light, why do you people insist on honking your horns? There was no oncoming intersecting traffic and there were no pedestrians crossing.

I take it you're just pissed that you're stuck in your gas powered cage and that you're powerless to move about as you please? Let me guess, you want to educate me on the fact that bicyclists are equally responsible for obeying traffic laws?

Maybe you're right, but guess what? As long as I'm not endangering any motorists, pedestrians or fellow cyclists, it doesn't fucking matter. Repeat after me... IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!!! When biking, it presents less risk to others and likely won't result in a ticket. If I'm willing to take that risk, why do you give a fuck?

Can't you brainless automatons distinguish between immoral and illegal behavior? It's akin to crossing an intersection with a "Don't Walk" sign with no traffic around. Technically, it's illegal, but it doesn't harm a goddamned fly in the process.

So when you jerkoffs keep beeping, just know that my amusement increases exponentially the further ahead of you I get. And to the nut jobs that speed up to yell, flip the bird, and intentionally swerve at cyclists...

That's why I point and laugh knowing it only serves to make you all the angrier. My advice... Don't sweat the small stuff.


Thursday, December 11, 2014

Just a Couple Thoughts...

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Dec 11, 2014 at 7:55 PM

BBW Petite... Hmmm..

"Listening to music as I cook and music thank good for ear buds"
"Listen every night love you guys tomorrow take care love tour"
These are examples of Facebook posts that I see some people have written. There are many like this. I grew up where people speak bird. I almost majored in English. And there are Americans in this country who don't know how to write in English. Maybe it's a typing thing, no proof reading, in a rush, etc. I just say, "take pride in your writing, you stupid people." And there are people who live in this country and Portland who do not know a word of English. You talk to them, and they smile, and have nothing to say. Shake the head, "I don't know."

Putting it to rest. Portlandia, "keep Portland weird," hipsters, lumberjacks, artists, musicians, the Pearl, yuppies, close-in. This is not the only Portland there is. Have you rode the #72 bus before? On 82nd ave? Or taken a cruise on 122nd ave? Take a look around for yourself. There is a whole other Portland out there.

More to come....

You Know Who You Are

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Dec 11, 2014 at 10:29 AM

When you figure out what scares you, and you are being told what to be afraid of, I want to remind you of why you are an inspiration to me.
You will be afraid sometime, but at one point in your life you did not know fear. You battled the scariest monster I have ever seen, fearlessly, while everyone else around you was afraid. You were as naked as you will ever be when you fought that monster alone, but you gave the rest of us the courage to fight along with you.
You made me realize that fear can inflict as much damage as the monster and that love and lightness are powerful armor.
Besides my gratitude, I will thank you for all the people who don't.

Why are Parking Enforcers Dicks?

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Dec 11, 2014 at 10:28 AM

Seriously? I park and ride to work - I park in a neighborhood near my bus stop; around SE Powell Blvd, between 9th & 12th/Milwaukie Ave. I've been doing this for nearly three years. This morning, I see a parking enforcer slapping bright neon green TOW notices on windows of cars. I walk up to her and ask, "Has this block changed to a no park zone?" SHE DOESN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE MY PRESENCE! So I repeat myself, "Excuse me? I just parked my car here (I point), is that not ok? I'm about to hop on a bus to work." Again, she continues to walk from car to car, slapping these bright neon green stickers on windows.
I get pissed. "Hey! I'm trying to ask you a question - can you at least acknowledge me?!!?" Without looking at me she goes, "I'm trying to do my job. Leave me alone or I'll call the cops."
In that moment, I totally understood how some people can freak out on another human being, wanting to hit someone. I've never wanted to smack a stranger in the mouth before this morning.
I hope my car is still there this evening. How do I even bring this horrible woman's behavior to her boss' attn?

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Pet Doctors that Charge Too Much

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Dec 10, 2014 at 8:22 PM

I really have this need to give an adoptable pet a home.
I always talk myself out of it because of past experience with Pet Doctors. I know,I know, they are caring: and that is why they are Pet Doctors, but I think they also charge too much. Are there any left that work with modest charges?

I will look into Pet Insurance. I find this is why I have not acted on my wanting to give a new companion a forever home.

I have been obsessed with the daydreams of me and a needing to be loved medium size dog or any size domestic cat. I know there will be bills, but I am not rich.

I have already named he or she, and have not run this by my partner. I know I will get talked out of it, and hope you can help. How I don't know, but your all smart about everything else, most of the time. I would be home with it,and have had pets in the past. I'm a natural when it comes to caring ,feeding , medicating my fantasy friend.

Christmas Light Assholery

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Dec 10, 2014 at 8:22 PM

Clearly, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. It gives you, my neighbor, the opportunity to put up 10 million strobed LED lights to convey your observation of this wonderfully commercial and significant holiday. We, your neighbors, really have NO USE nor appreciation of your effing flashing lights. It is like living on the scene of a perpetual traffic accident. NO ONE LIKES IT. So stop it, already.

Lovingly, your neighbors.

I Suck, But I Had To

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Dec 10, 2014 at 3:05 PM

Yesterday some of my coworkers complained about a homeless lady in the ladies' restroom. I kinda shrugged and said our only option, if it's such a problem, is to keep that door locked like the tenants on all the other floors. No one wants to do that because we're the only company on this floor. So just now someone came to my office and said the homeless woman is in the ladies' room again. That means the receptionist and other women here want her to leave but don't want to ask her to leave. So I went and did it. "You can't be here." She apologized immediately from within the stall and started gathering her things. "I've been told I have to call security if you return and I don't want to have to do that." She leaves quickly; obviously embarrassed. If I had any cash, which I don't, I would just give it to her. I don't know what else to do. She's a nice lady who needed a place to pee, change clothes, wash her hands. Whatever. It's not costing us anything. Unless one of our fancy clients walks in while she's here and it just ruins their day.

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