This Week in the Mercury

Everything as Fuck



Violinist Karen Gomyo Makes a 170-Year-Old Classic New(er) Again

Thursday, February 26, 2015

If You See a Log Cabin... Better Call Saul

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 26, 2015 at 11:51 AM

'The absentee homeowner has been notified'

'Yes, officer?'
'Do you know where your cabin is this evening?'
'It seems that some hooligans may, may have not, but most certainly did, transport your home to an undisclosed location.'
'Was your home, you know, mobile, prior to this event? Do you have any reason to believe someone may have wanted to...'
'To steal my fucking house!? No. I don't. I don't have any recollection of anyone attempting to steal my goddamn house.'
'Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down.'
'Were there any valuables, or anything else you can provide to assist in the investigation?'
'...What was that damn number... Five o Five, Five o Three, Four, Four, Five, Five...'

K Falls finest, you know the motto 'chop, chop'... get these people their damn cabin back.

I Got My Shots

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 26, 2015 at 9:51 AM

That doesn't mean you have to. How are we going to let the political power whores in legislature decide what chemicals and viruses will be injected into your body. Science is only right <50% of the time over history. I think marijuana is great for everybody, too. Take your pills! Have a day.

487 FCJ

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 26, 2015 at 8:40 AM

Hey 487 FCJ, I know that your 1980s dog shit colored minivan is a real hot rod, but in places where lanes merge, it means just that. The Oregon drivers manual states “Lane Reduction:The indicated lane ends soon. Drivers in that lane must merge into the through lane. Drivers in the through lane should allow vehicles to merge smoothly.” It doesn’t mean speed up so that you cut the person ahead off. The streets of Portland are not the Nascar tracks that you mindlessly watch on the weekends.I really appreciated the irony when you passed and hocked a loogie on my window and yelled “Grow Up!” Your mother must be proud. I say mother because she is stuck with you. Any other woman, human or dog can hopefully get away from you.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Hey, New Girl

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Feb 25, 2015 at 7:53 PM

You're a little more than half way through day two at your new job - working in specialty medical office.
You're already referring to everyone as 'hun' and 'babe', calling medical records 'that crap' and listening to Pandora at your desk, without head phones, while everyone else is trying to work.
WTF is wrong w/people?
I guess it's my own fault for being amazed that the new person appears to not be trying to enter gracefully or put her best foot forward. I sincerely believe a high school intern would take this position more seriously and act more professionally.


Help Wanted... Sometime This Year

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Feb 25, 2015 at 7:53 PM

So as for most within the city, it's a full-time job searching for a job, and yes, it gets really fucking aggravating, especially when a month goes by, you've had a dozen interviews, and still no job; however, to the businesses that have a "Help Wanted" sign pasted to your front window. I've dropped off resume's, followed through, being the 'squeaky wheel' and all... and I'm sure I'm not the only one. The thing is, is that it's been a month since I dropped off a resume, and your sign is still on the fucking window. Do you not need help or what?! I mean fuck! If you really do NEED help, I'm sure you can throw a fucking dart at any of the resume's you got there, and 'BOOM!' a new fucking employee! WOAH! All I'm saying, is that if you really do need help, it shouldn't take more than a goddamn week to find someone to fill the fucking position... and if you're that fucking lazy to hire a new employee, then do us (applicants) a favor, and paste a new sign on the window saying, "Help Wanted... Sometime This Year".

Why I Can't Make "Mom" Jokes to You

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Feb 25, 2015 at 11:24 AM

Dear friend,

You might already know this but you have never brought this up, but when I was in college and I was 19, I banged your mom. Little did I know that the nice old lady buying me drinks was just trying to get down the pants of someone who was one year younger than her son. It wasn't until several weeks later of doing unreal things to your mom, did I realize that you are her son. The thing is, everyone including the bartender knew.

That was 20 years ago. Now that I am 39, I still can't tell Mom jokes around you beause anything I could say, is true. We did just about everything, short of scat play. It was a fun three week affair that I will remember for a lifetime.

That being said, I am really hoping that Karma comes around. Now that I am 39 I am hoping a smoking 20 year old girl has her way with me. I am waiting for Karma to knock on my door.



Overly Familiar Postal Carrier

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Feb 25, 2015 at 9:54 AM

You seem to think you know my sleeping habits, enjoy speculating on what time I bathe, how many kids I have, and you seem to have lots of opinions on how much my friends and family are willing to spend to send me packages. Do you also need to know what the inside of my house looks like? No? Then how about, when you ring the bell and I open the door, you don't step in and start talking about my furniture? How about that? Because I don't really give a single fuck what you think about my hallway or the amount of stuff I have on my counter tops, or how I can better organize my mail. Nor am I interested on your ideas about how to groom my standard poodle. How about this: Fuck yourself.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Creepy Roommate

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 24, 2015 at 8:45 AM

Roommate ~ we met several times when i would go to the minit mart up the road to buy beer. Basic small talk occurred. Honestly, i never liked you. You were, & are, creepy.
But, you have been hearing the ongoing saga of me fixing up my house & looking for a roomie & you wanted to move in. You needed a place immediately ( they wouldn't let you stay with g-ma at the retirement home ) & i needed someone in. Ok, both our needs are met.
i knew that it wasn't going to work out when you joined me to hang out on the porch. We talked about Harry Potter for an hour. You left to do some shit, & when you came back i was on the phone. This offended you.
Now, you tell me that you're moving out, 1 week after moving in. Why? Because i don't pay enough attention to you. Not what you were expecting. Fine.
But! Then you get offended when i tell you that i have put an ad out for the room. There's 1 week left in the month, dude! i'm not trying to hurt your fucking feelings, i'm trying to make sure that the rent is paid. And now you say that i can't show the room until the 1st. Excuse me?
Last fucking time i rent to a first person shooter gamer dude. Ok, last time i, as a woman, rent to a dude.

Monday, February 23, 2015

We are the Show

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 23, 2015 at 1:43 PM

Some of you commentarazzi are getting too full of yourselves. Never forget you are ancillary. We are the show. We create. You digest. We cook. You eat.

We could fart in your general direction and you would always sniff it.

So go ahead and enjoy yourselves down there. Chew us up and spit on us and always mock us. But remember, without us you got nothing but unfunny One Day At A time and Karmels to foist your silly jests on to.

There i even ended that sentence with a participle. Have at it.


My Bri Guy (Mr. William's Return)

Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 23, 2015 at 9:37 AM

Bri guy, babe, I know you'd never lie to me. Did the 'wocket' put some money in your pocket?

Did the pwetty 'lil helicopter give you a boo boo? Oh, no... it's not true?

It's alright we still love you.

It's obvious you're the fall guy. For what we have yet to find out, but soon we'll find a nice big lie, a real one, that passed over all of us like the ticker tape on the bottom of the screen. We'll wonder how the hell did we miss that? When did that get passed? Who the fuck voted for that?
The best part about it is, is that you'll probably deliver that story. it will be your triumphant entry back into the fold, telling the world of a newly discovered ill conceived american plot somewhere that occurred while you were away.
See you soon Mr. Williams and Godspeed.


Posted by Anonymous on Mon, Feb 23, 2015 at 9:37 AM

All those lawn and garden chemicals you sprayed all over everything, including the ditch that leads to our river, will not work. Please accidentally drink your Crossbow with your scotch. You, old man, are worse than any hipster/transplant that ever came to Portland. Fuck your pear tree, too. All it does is breed yellow jackets.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

I Respect Your Opinion

Posted by Anonymous on Sun, Feb 22, 2015 at 8:05 AM

Is Metronomy cool or not? Sometimes I have this urge to listen and then I do. Just a little at first... I can take the derision if you are like, "all I listen to is Radiohead" or "it's all bluegrass for me", for instance. Just gotta know if it's cool, or not.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Bicycle Free Loader

Posted by Anonymous on Sat, Feb 21, 2015 at 1:08 PM

i saw you hitching a free ride from the wheel well on a car on friday night. you might be looking for a rush and they may have been wasted. if you think your a badass grab mine. i'm not gonna treat you any different because i'm scared i might hurt you, it's your choice, your problem. it's fucking rude. giving someone a panic attack because you got a chip on your shoulder. fuck you. grow some balls and grab a board. hitch a ride off my bumper anytime. skate or die.

Friday, February 20, 2015


Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Feb 20, 2015 at 1:14 PM

Incoherent breakup details.
Grocery stores aren't utopia.
Some vehicle type, and their riders/drivers, suck.
People don't tip enough/servers expect too much.
Feces revenge.
White kids with white guilt OR contrived outrage for underserved segment of society.
Hipsters so crazy!
This place now sucks; was cool when I was born/moved here.
I was a badass somehow in a confrontation and want people to believe it actually occured.


Why Do You Have to Suck So Hard, PCC?

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Feb 20, 2015 at 12:59 PM

Bit by bit you're getting worse. You still haven't found a way to adjust the shuttle time table to when like, classes actually end. Your instructors don't abide by break times or early release, nor are they attentive to the needs of students (a death in the family should be an excused absence.) And your cafeteria staff shouldn't be able to close the cafeteria a full 30 minutes before the last classes actually start. For one thing, it's one of the few well lit places on rape campus that's actually a designated eating area.

Your online classes are a total fucking joke.

Also, the construction is taking forever, just fix that fucking sidewalk already.

The potty press needs to be flushed.

Basically PCC, you're a fucking joke but still charge over $400 for a 4 credit class. Little by little you chip away at the student experience but keep raising your prices because you have a monopoly on community education.

I hope to dear god online universities get some credibility so we can give you the middle finger.

In short. Go fuck yourself PCC.

Cycles on the Sidewalk

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Feb 20, 2015 at 10:28 AM

one of you assholes in particular just charged up the side walk this morning on division and almost took me out. what part of bikes stay on the road don't you understand? with your fucking little boy cap and bike lock as a belt loop, you fucking idiots. the next time one of your decides to do this, i'm going to shoot my skateboard out at your bike and laugh to the point of tears while you wonder what the fuck happened. since i'm all about planning ahead, let me answer that for you - what happened was that your ass little dicked pieces of shit who need to learn a fucking lesson. RIDING A BIKE DOES NOT MAKE YOU COOL, it's just another vehicle for you to be a fucktard on


Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Feb 20, 2015 at 8:42 AM

Soon as you strolled up and cornered me I should have known to avoid you. Then the first time I go to your house your high on pills, your bed is dirty (really the whole house is gross), you dogs are farting in my face, and your trying to jump my bones. Since then every night has been progressively more overwhelming; the constant need for communication, following me everywhere I go, and talking THE ENTIRE TIME. Then it became flat out sleep deprivation. We blow up and I leave....but you always find me don't you!!!

Am I an ass for saying you'll work at McD's when you graduate? probably. But in my defense it is a fine line between saying that rather than saying "it does not matter what you do because I plan on taking care of you". That line is called "I need my fucking sleep".

Good luck psycho.

I'm in the Stall, Not You

Posted by Anonymous on Fri, Feb 20, 2015 at 8:41 AM

On the floor where I work this has happened enough to write this:
When I'm in the one stall( and one urinal bathroom). I'm trying to poop. I get it that you have to go too. I get it because on the outside of the stall, i can hear you breathing, pacing and just making enough noise to let me know you are there.
Personally, when this happens to me, I turn around and I wait outside the bathroom and start a line out there. You like to lurk and possibly enjoy free whiffs of my gross as turd smells.
Here's the thing though, when you hang out in the room I'm crapping in, it only makes me take longer. Not because the old turtle is playing possum, nope! I enjoy making you wait. You wanna vibe me off the shitter? Fuck you! You wait! And wait longer now.
Hear that flush? False alarm jack. I'm just testing it out.
Finally when you give up and go outside, I put enough t.p. into the toilet so that when you go in and flush, it flows to the rim.
Like brim!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Express Line Sassmatazz

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 19, 2015 at 1:34 PM

I am sorry Mr. Ginger Dude AKA the express line PoPo…You busted me at with 5 extra items at the express check out line. You mumbled “That doesn’t look like 10 items” to yourself with your glasses at mid nose like the “They live” movie poster. Your in such a hurry that you couldn’t take your shades off indoors. What really made me upset is that fact that I didn’t call you out while your in line. I should of told the clerk to void my shit because “You gots to go!”. It felt good follow you out and mock the shit out of you while your grabbing your keys to get in your Fresh fuckin stereotypical new Subaru Outback. You know what I am going to do next time? I am going to hang out at New Seasons on 33rd everyday at 12 and wait for you to park and go in. Then I’ll creep up to your whip and give you a gold ol’ 90’s Key Job to your door. Yeah I’m bring that fad back but I’ll have to be quick because You’ll be hitting that express check out line with under 10 items.


Radio Sucks

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 19, 2015 at 12:11 PM

I loved KZME. They played good music, much of it local. Very little talk, mostly music. It was great.

Then they ran out of money and got replaced by XRAY radio, which totally sucks.

Talk radio all day (we didn't have enough of this in Portland?), mostly crap music the rest of the time. Oh, and they've got a morning zoo. A. Fucking. Morning. Zoo.

Oh, how I mourn for thee, KZME. Portland briefly had good independent radio. Now we've got shit.

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 19, 2015 at 10:13 AM

Now our Vice-Prez has crossed the line. I know he is a likable guy, but why does he feel he should fondle women and young girls in front of everyone? Even if he had a momentary lapse of judgement, it does not explain what makes these men act like this.

Is this a case of dementia, or some illness that makes these men think they can act like this? Is he an alcoholic, drugs, deviate, or just horny?

Reminds me of my first day at my last job. The women told me "don't get on the elevator alone with ———," he also was a vice-president of a big company.

So why do we make rules in work places that even the Vice-President does not adhere too? Joe, if your reading this-Stop, just Stop. You should be a role model

Oh, and Mr. President, don't laugh it off.

Hipstler Youth

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Feb 19, 2015 at 8:44 AM

We all hate hearing the word 'hipster' yes, ok, point taken. But seriously hipsters, what's with all the fascist haircuts, Gestapo mustaches, and Heinrich Himmler glasses? I understood the throwback to the 1950's with the rockabilly greasers and the preppy Leave it to Beaver sweaters. But now Portland's become overwhelmed with a bunch of assholes that look like they are gearing up to invade Poland. Not impressed.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

No Longer the Friendliest Store to Work For

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Feb 18, 2015 at 8:15 PM

It was bound to happen. The bite of the venture capitalist has left a nasty and painful wound on the. Friendliest Grocery Store in town. Hours are being cut, wages are dropping, racial issues are ignored and good people are being fired to thin the herd. The iron fist of Starbucks is setting the way for a future sale and all they care about are the numbers. They are riding on the coat tails of days gone by. Moral is at an all time low. Shame on you New Seasons. Shame

Federal DonkMonks

Posted by Anonymous on Wed, Feb 18, 2015 at 4:25 PM

A DonkMonk is a donkey and monkey combined. So the government is reducing, and I'd imagine stopping the printing of tax form booklets. I get it. Fucking A. The whole world is going paperless. Except Xfinity as I keep getting junk mail from them almost weekly, although I've told them to stop sending me the mail. I had to do this 5 times with the Oregonians Mid-Week, but they kept throwing the paper in my garage, even as the Oregonian has laid off thousands of employees and closed down their main office. Way to save money! Way to reduce! Way to be smart!
There are 2 places that will be carrying the booklets as the libraries will not anymore. Go ahead and save your money government, but you know all you are doing is screwing us no matter what. We either have to go to these limited locations, or print out a copy without a computer, or download a copy which always works great.
Now enter the Edith Green Building and the DonkMonks. The place is empty, deserted, only 4 security guards in this massive spacious 1st floor. No line but the one guy ahead of me. He goes through the whole security process but beeps through the detectors. Now it's wand time. Wand over face. Beep. "oh it's your glasses." Wand over arms, wrist. Beep, "it must be your watch." Wand over penis. Wand over legs, shoes. Beep. "Do you want me to take my shoes off." This isn't even me. I ask if I can walk through and they say no.

This is what I truly call, "nothing better to do." They won't let me go through until the other guy is completely done. 5 minutes go by. I ask the one monkey what happens if there's a line and he says you just wait. I said, if there's a line, do you still do all these things you do? You are more secure than the airport. I remember departing Vegas one time, and was about to take my laptop out of my backpack, and the donkey said there's no need for that. I guess I should've known I didn't need to in Vegas, but everywhere else I do. I look at the 2 other guards in the authorized personnel line that is empty. Going on 10 minutes. Just us 2 guys trying to get through and still working on the first guy. Something is terribly wrong with this process. With this country. With how these 4 fucking donkmonks are paid, probably decently, for doing what they do. What a shame. What a waste. I left and went to spank my monkey.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Invest in Beaverton

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Feb 17, 2015 at 8:48 AM

Look, I appreciate the fact that working in Beaverton and/or Hillsboro is probably super fun and fulfilling for you, but listen up: You know what would be super fun and fulfilling for me? Having a Swede's chance in hell of being able to afford a house here in Portland, where I work. While I love riding my bike to work, I don't love it enough to ride down from fucking Vancouver, which is where I'll be forced to move if house prices skyrocket any higher. So how's about instead of buying up all the close-in houses with your buckets of suburban-made money and then clogging up all the freeways getting to and from work every day, you invest some of those gobs of money into Beaverton and HIllsboro, making them less heinous places to live. And then live there.

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