Dear Jerk-Off Roommate,
It would be wonderful if you sprouted a fucking clue and realized you should be living somewhere in the Pearl or SE where people are desperate enough to accept your rent money in order to maintain their vapid and useless lifestyles. Unfortunately, you moved in with a couple of professional adults who are capable of keeping a tidy household and recognize when you need to put forth any kind of effort around the house. I do really love the 110% effort put forth towards your diet and career. I must confess that, I don't really dig the 5% effort effort you muster to do anything other than washing OUR fucking dishes.
I wish I could be blamed for passive-aggressive behavior, but making multiple (and straight-forward) requests that you lift a fucking finger around the house seems to have no effect on that pea-brain of yours. When your roommates have little or nothing to say to you on a daily basis, maybe you should have the common fucking sense to realize that a new living situation may be in order.
FYI, this “Anonymous” sentiment won't last very much longer. I can only hope that you read this post, and that I see that dopey fucking face when I inform you that you have 30 days to find a new living situation. Good luck with your uber-healthy and annoyingly intrusive lifestyle.
That's right, modern society, you idiotic, stupid thing, we need more parking lots, and we should build them in every community. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, PARKING LOTS, PARKING LOTS FOR EVERYONE! Why? Because cars are fucking nazi-machines. I don't want to look at them as much as I can, nor ever find myself driving one, submitted to the conditions of modern reality. SO WE SHOULD BUILD PARKING LOTS. WHY NOT GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY? It would benefit everyone, except assholes, or people who think being an asshole is a good thing. Yeah, parking lots, so that the rest of the neighborhood can just have grass and trees and playgrounds in between the houses. Sounds like such a good idea that nobody will actually take it up.
I was very sick. It was something that put me in the emergency room and I had serious surgery for. Sadly it started at work. I can pinpoint the exact moment it happened. I was sitting at my desk working and then pain like I'd never experienced (and hope to never experience again) shot through me and I was in agony. I was stupid and took a whole bunch of painkillers instead of just going to the emergency room. The only position that alleviated the pain was on my side.
So I went to the restroom and curled up in a little ball in the stall, trying not to be noticed, waiting for the oxy to kick in. But you noticed me. Or so I found out later. The thing is, you didn't ask me if I was ok, or if I needed a doctor, or if I even needed a glass of water. You let me lay there in excruciating pain. You didn't tell anyone either.
Oh wait. You did. After I'd been off work for a couple days and it became apparent it was me. Then you told people I was laying on the bathroom floor in pain.
You were already an awful coworker but you are also an awful fucking person. If there's a hell I hope your head will be on a pike roasting in flames. Since you probably do shit like this to other people too. But here's the thing, if it happens to you I'll still ask if you're ok, if you need a doctor, if you need a glass of water. Even if I want to stab you in the fucking heart for leaving me there in pain and then humiliating me later on.
GO FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF! I want to draw a penis on your face after you pass out drunk one time. I want to push you in front of a big ass mud puddle as a bus goes by. I want a pay a stranger to follow you, and make you systematically late for every fucking single thing you do that day, including taking a shit. I want to make a Craig’s List post and add your phone number, so people will call you, because you and he/she have the same “I fuck animals” fetish, while strangers watch. I want to let loose a hundred non killing spiders in the front seat of your car. I want to whore out your work email address on porn sites, and let the spam roll in. I want to send your pastor, priest, reverend, or preacher an email from you, asking them what’s the best way to tell your wife, her sister’s, and her brother’s that you want to have a few sexual encounters with all of them at the same time to strengthen your family bond.
Because all of that, will not compare to how much hate I have for you, for tricking me into downloading this piece of software update.
And you totally fell for it, at the Goodwill drop off box this afternoon.
Sitting in my car watching your drop off transaction, while listening to music this sunny afternoon was the greatest idea I had today. I was going to circle around the parking lot, and then I thought about going to the bank real quick. But, I decided to just park, and keep my place in line. And I’m glad I did, because ten minutes later after taking your tax write off receipt (I collect those too) You lifted up your shirt, and let that dirty old non-showered man softly feel your boobs up. Now call me crazy, but I don’t think that guy was your dad. I noticed the age difference, and it got me questioning how you know this man. I don’t think do. He tenderly caressed your breasts, like you were Meals On Wheels People, bringing him a second piece of his favorite kind of pie.
I’m not exactly sure what a toothless, grungy old man says to a complete stranger in her mid-thirties to get her to show him what I suspect are freshly purchased rock hard circle breasts, in a Fred Myers Parking lot. But I sure am the fuck, who’s going back and asking him!
-Because, if it works for that guy!
Congratulations! Your particular brand of try-too-hardness has by all accounts worked, as you have won over the local masses and become something of a Portland Celebrity. Jim Spagg and Tom Petersen would be proud. That said, how about we keep the whole unicycle and bagpipes thing a rest once the sun goes down. Last night you spent an hour aimlessly riding through Sunnyside and the shit got old after 10 minutes. At the very least learn songs from a different fucking movie.
How does a guy get quarters? Gotta do the laundry,
vacuum the car, get a soda.
In the super market; even if I spend $50,I'll ask when
punching my debit and hitting $10 cash back( can I get
that in quarters)? I get a look from a clerk named
Sonny, like I'm wearing an I Love Nixon T shirt, and
get sent to another cashier that looks more managerial,
but can't come up with any quarters. Next stop ,the
unattended customer service counter. I wait long
enough for my milk to sour, when a dude with a white
shirt and no apron comes out of the back vault.
He's wearing a slight smile, thinking he's gonna sell
me an $8 pack of butts, but I waive my 10 spot and
say (The "Q" Word), please. He freezes up, squeezes
the knot of his skinny tie, exhales slowly, takes my
10 and punches a 28 digit pass code to get back in
the back room.
To pass the time, I'm looking at the store motto( Service
is our Middle Name) and the names of all the dept.
heads and their smiley faces. He finally emerges
with the treasured roll tightly clutched in his fist and
is jotting something down (serial # of the roll??) on
his clip board. I'm thinking is he waiting for my ID
or am I going to have to pry these friggin quarters
out of his hand. Instead he stares past me like he's
wondering if I've got any accomplices, taps the silver
on the counter with a rat tat tat and says come again
Clean clothes and soda pop, here I come.
You passed me going up on Southeast Clinton Street to tell me I was a "BUM" because I ran stop signs on s.e. 24th at s.e. Ivon Street? Really?
It is now 10:42 and this occurred at approximately 10:25PM. It is a Monday night.
F-YOU Buddy! Like I could not see if a car was coming our way, asshole? Up hill?
I am born in Portland, Ore. 97210
Where do you and your ilk reside and/ or come from Buddy? Please tell ... ?
If you intend to pass, ring your F-ing bell and say, "Passing on your Left" = No problem.
Your approach? Big problem, .. buddy ...
Go Home to New York City dude. ... Because we are about to "Get a rope."
Look, i live in a shitty residential hotel downtown. Its amazing what ive dealt with here in the past couple years. But jeez, i just wanna drink to death in peace! Why (and how) does every skeezy junky need to get the room next to mine and insist on a weeklong suicide mission? This involves bringing every miscreant they know over( covertly, if needed) and having loud, tweaked out arguements over who sucked off who for how much, who took too much frm who, or just loudly becoming a slum decorater at 4 a.m. Please, u seem to live in public toilets, STAY THERE!
I know life is hard. I get it. But would it be too much to ask of you to dispose of your fucking needles properly? Tossing them into my bushes is a fucked up thing to do and only puts me at risk when cleaning up my yard. Fuck you and your HIV/HEP-C having arm you fucking assholes.
Hi Buskers. Busking season is gone now. The summer season passed. Leaves falling? Get your fucking ass inside and off the street corner. Temps below 50 at night? Get your fucking ass inside. Dark at 7:00? GET YOUR FUCKING ASS INSIDE.
There are 3 months out of the year where I will tolerate your Tibetan horn thing, buckets, electric guitar with amp, acoustic guitar with some kind of Bob Dylan cover, flute, fiddle, keyboards, triangle. Now it's war. Now I stand in front of you and crow at people passing by to make sure you don't make money.
Buskers. You suck. Give us a fucking rest.
More of a question than a rant, why do firefighters take their fucking fire engine grocery shopping? It seems like a colossal waste.
After spending a week back in my home state, I realize I am not looking forward to returning to my adopted home of Portland. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be around people who are open, warm, direct, caring, and genuinely interested in others. Now I get to go back to the aloof, passive-aggressive, cowardly, paranoid, suspicious, xenophobic, closet-racist, elitist, hipster, trashy, sleazy, gentrified redneck pit of despair. I'll be plotting my next escape soon. One can only hope that an earthquake or volcano eventually erases this miserable hole for all eternity.
You are a fat lazy stoner who grows weed under the table and collects food stamps eternally. I have no respect for you or your "art". I have neighbors who suffer- I mean REALLY suffer, working to raise kids and pay bills, while you kick back and masturbate your ego.
Also! Your alcoholism is not cool or romantic. You are old enough to know better; don't you feel like a dick when you are buying beer after you got organic, gourmet groceries with your Oregon Trail card?
May I suggest:
Taking responsibility for your well being: stop milking your misery, it's not cute anymore.
Haven't you wondered why your friends are avoiding you? It's because you have been living in victim mode for years, all the while collecting benefits and making bad art.
I'll admit it: I'm a "hipster." I moved here 5 months ago from Lawrence, KS, to start a new life. Yes, I have tattoos, wear dark, "skinny" jeans, and ride a fixie. My beard isn't very full, but it's passable. Here's the thing: why can't I get any love from my hipster bretheren? We are obviously cut from the same cloth, yet why do you treat me like a leper? I just don't get it. :(
When composing an I, Anonymous, why does everybody direct the letter to the person they are complaining about? Chances are that person/those people will never know about your rantings. I mean, I get it, but why not speak directly to your actual readers? For example, you could say, "So how about this homeless person, sales clerk, bus driver, boyfriend, girlfriend, sister-in-law, random asshole on the street, driver, cyclist, bartender, client, co-worker, customer, pedestrian who really pissed me off?! Here is what s/he did..." That, or simply tell the story in a narrative form using first person, or third of you're that kind. The Dear (insert perpetrator here) template is growing old. Think outside the dear.
look here , i did not fucking sign up for this shit, i don't get up every morning to listen to you as bullshit just spews from you mouth. i work to hard for the shit that i have , do you know how hard it is to be 15 and in your last year of high school? fuck no ,your too damn high to even focus in school. i study every damn waking moment to get a good education , and your damn stalking is NOT helping. all i ever fucking want is for you to just shut the hell up for once in your miserable life you lowlife cock sucking bastard. you do nothing, but follow me around and watch everything i do. but now your breaking into my house and leaving me notes?! stay the hell outta my house and outta my life i don't want your diseased ass around me you sleep with whatever sleazy hoe that comes your way. I'm a grown ass fucking woman and can sure as hell kick your skinny tweaking ass into next week next time you step foot on my property!
So your flourescent light bulbs only last until i lose the receipt that i need to return them because they burned out way before the box says they will.
Thats problem one. Maybe my fault for not saving my reciept. BTW im putting the receipt in the fixture this time so it will magically appear when the new bulbs burn out before they are supposed too. HA!
Problem two: Home Depot refused to recycle the flourescent bulbs YOU SOLD ME. Ok pretty sure thats against the law. So instead of gracefully accepting them from me i jammed them into your flowerbed out front as i left. (Yeah i know some wage slaver just has to go clean that up now but if we all stick together we can fight these greedy corporate fucks!)
So, you're tired of everyone being so darned "politically correct" all the time. It is true that the internet and much of Portland are riddled with PC whistle blowers who want to tell you how privileged and secretly racist you are, all while also being privileged and secretly racist themselves. So what do you do about it? You make supposedly ironic jokes that are sexist, racist, homophobic, etc. because what used to be regular old bigotry is now somehow edgy. Now we're really seeing your balls! How courageous you are to fight the fascist forces of political correctness!
But maybe you could stop and think for a second today, "Hey, my backlash against the concept of political correctness is actually far more harmful to oppressed peoples than it is to this emotionless concept that I dislike for purely selfish reasons." Because it's not about politics, and it's not about being correct. It's about being a decent fucking person who treats other humans with respect, and it seems that some of you have forgotten that.
Yeah, yeah, my rant it totally gay. Go ahead and get it out of your system.
I feel your eyes bearing down upon me. Now you’re really staring at me as I swiftly walk past you. They cut through me, yet I have grown immune to it all. I hear the remarks as I’m near & it’s just plain sinister. Shim, mahu, tranny, I’ve heard it all before, & it has gotten spoiled rotten years ago. Your xenophobic harassment hurts.
I suggest you try something that might blow your brains: keep it inside there, don’t let it out, don’t shout or spew derogatory hate speak in the vicinity of me. I can’t control your xenophobia but, I would also suggest a class (or classes) so you’ll become educated on human rights (well that’s far-fetched).
You simulate progressiveness, yet you are such an immature prick! What gives you the right to hassle a stranger in public? Nothing! I’ve dealt with this sort of public shaming my whole life, not only have people verbally abused me, but physically attacked me years ago in high school (& got away with it). I would like it to end now!
I am a biological woman (more logic than you actually harbor) & have androgynous features, I don’t wax because it’s my body, my choice, it doesn't concern you at all. Regardless of that fact, there’s no format in which this behavior is acceptable or okay. What’s eating at your ability ( or lack therefore) to treat a person with respect? Come to terms with that before opening your mouth (to your dingy group of friends). High school ended years ago, step off!
I bought an expensive monthly pass for tri-met but it was not yet the end of the month, four days away. I thought I could use it. Well of course not, the ticket agent got in and said it wasn't valid yet. I asked him to give me a chance but he treated me like a drug smuggler. You and your co-workers are ticket Nazis. I am sure you guys would have loved to lived in those times where you could arrest someone in the street for not carrying "Aryan" ID. Nobody in Portland likes you pseudo-cops, You are against poor people. You treat people like criminals. Fuck you. The bus and train drivers those are real workers. You fare ticket assholes work for the man, for the system. The city HATES you.
I appreciate innovation, but damn it if Apple's new mobile operating system doesn't make organizing photos lifted from social media sites of old partners and crushes frustratingly difficult. I know the photo might have been taken and date stamped last year, but I just found it and downloaded it and that should be reflected in my "moments."
When I first noticed you sleeping on a discarded mattress next to my apartment building, comfortably tucked between the bushes, I felt a little jealous at your sweet repose on such a sunny day. There I was, about to seclude myself inside and work while you enjoyed the rare rays of early Fall sun. Later, I came outside to discover you'd dragged the mattress onto the sidewalk and taken a huge dump and piss on it. That's when I knew you were the most resourceful douche bag I'd ever seen.
I am son of immigrants (Kenya) and born an raised in Portland Oregon. I was born at the Kaiser hospital now Adidas remember when Interstate had bus 5, North Portland was predominately African-American with that said.
I am a Technology Salesman. The reason I am writing is I am tired of white women Portlanders who switch there bags when I am walking down the street or in an elevator (in my suit and tie). Listen I know Portland Multnomah County Hawthorne is the most liberal progressive minded area. I live there however, I have to rant that I wish European American women understand that not all black people are going to rob you especially if they have a suit and tie on. Yes if the max or tri-met is full you can sit next to me. I will not bit. Yes you live in North Portland but, you still are not diverse. Just because you have a tribal tattoo, smoke weed and listen to Jay-Z. No you can not touch my hair and yes we have to keep our hair wraped at night. I still love Portland but come on. Do you folks come from east coast midwest where you are exposed to black folks?
i was in a long relationship,untill he broke it of i was hurt at first because he was well my first. he told me to move on so i did but now hes stalking me . he stole my house key,and my school ID.ive cought him several times in the act of sneacking around my house and following me. i know he took the key and stuff because i went over to his house to return his clothes and ect. when i found them,he smokes weed witch was always normale but noe hes doing something else and hes getting really creepy with the stalking thing. he came over one day after i caught him spying on me through the fence of my ally. he told my mom he wasnt over me and that he wanted to talk to me but i had left imideatly.Am i beaing to paranoid? i dont think so. and didnt he tell me to move on ? what should i do?
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