Listen, I've had plenty of unpleasant cock in my mouth in my life, but I would never EVER *EVER* get near this thing.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN FINISH IT!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

YOU CAN'T EVEN FINISH IT!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

What a whiner! Don't you know that you have to eat the Colonel right out of the vat. If you take home and let it get cold of course it's going to suck. I'd say PAC eats like a girl but that would be insulting girls. I've seen kids pack away the nuggets with less back talk. I think this just proves that PAC is really a closet vegan.

PAC, don't talk with food in your mouth. Have you no manners?

And what Matt Davis said.

The Awl reviewer ate both the fried and grilled versions.

In a row.

Just sayin'.

http://www.theawl.com/2010/04/the-definiti…

@Alainb1, January, Davis

You COULD eat the whole thing. Just like Devine COULD eat dog shit in a John Waters film. Good for you! The question is WHY? I admit I gave up. I COULD have eaten the rest, but I don't hate myself that much. Don't get me wrong! I hate myself... Just not that much.

Also, I think I've more than proven my eating prowess in past exploits. Need I remind you: http://bit.ly/aZsmVn

I was part of the 30% who told you NOT to eat it, PAC, and it was for the exact same fucking reason that the PCRM told you.

Now go do as many push-ups as you can in 2 minutes, then wait 10 minutes.

Then do as many sit-ups as you can in 2 minutes, then wait 10 minutes.

Then run 2 miles as fast as you can (time it).

You will have just done an Army Physical Training Test (what US Army soldiers have to do every 6 months).

That should get at least half of that shit out of your system.

Oh snap! Looks like PAC is getting some come-up-ance after his big awards night. How quickly the mighty have fallen.

The salt-that's just the thing about it all. My wife is constantly complaining about the amount of salt in everything we eat out. She's right. I happen to love the taste of salt on my food, but there's a limit for me too.

The real thing about that sandwich is – it's hella ugly. The gourmets go on and on about presentation and appearance like it's a fetish but they have a point. The food nazis go on about how bad that crap is for you but the presentation puts it right up in front of yo face … you really have to be insensitive to what you're putting in your mouth in order to eat it, because at some point you're saying "oh, hell, this thing's buns are actual deep fried meat, and that ain't right", and then you start crying and dying inside.

@Alison Hallett: do keep us advised when The Awl reviewer's obit shows up on the wire, yes?

That thing you dropped on the desk with a resounding THUD is only supposed to be 540 calories?

I call bullshit.

By their calculations, fat grams comprise 288 of the 540 total calories of the sandwich. A very, very conservative estimate of the cheese slice calorie count would be 100. Very.

100 calories for 2 slices of bacon. Very conservative.

Let's say the sauce is 30.

That means two FUH-ried chicken breasts are a scosh over a 100 calories each? HA.

That thing's at least 800.

If cowardice didn't pervade the Portland Mercury food section we might have some way to gastrointestinally veryify this......

Dear Patrick,
As your employer I'm pretty sure I don't pay you to do "half" your job. So if you're thinking you're going to "expense" a half-eaten sandwich, you can kiss the entirety of my ass.
Sincerely yours,
Wm. Steven Humphrey

@ Humpy -

Yes, but what if he eats the entire thing and dies of heart attack? Wouldn't that qualify as "on the job"? Wouldn't want that on my record as Emperor of Mercury...er, I mean editor-in-chief. :)

Hey Steve--does this mean that the next time I'm reviewing a movie I don't like, I can stop watching it halfway through?

Or if I'm only "half" satisfied with a worker's performance, I only have to give him "half" a paycheck?

sgt, they've been doing half-issues for over a year now.

At least they haven't cut to the eighth-issues the Oregonian has reverted to...

@Humpy - Well, the assignment was to eat a WHOLE sandwich, right? If PAC didn't finish it, that means someone else on the team has to pick up his slack. That's teamwork! Think Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.

And I only read half of Matt Davis's articles - does that help? You could totally start paying him half...

I'm just going to start taking half the paper from the newsstand. Dibs on Dan Savage, I Anon and Hall Monitor!

Suddenly all the chicks on Lovelab only give me half a boner.

"You can pick up slight chipotle-esque spice from the Colonel's Sauce."

Ha ha ha. You get an "A" for trying to actually review this turd.

Of course it sucks -- KFC's chicken is awful, no surprise there -- which too bad, because the basic idea had real potential: imagine two pieces of very good fried chicken (crunchy on the outside, moist and tender inside) surrounding a couple of slices of thick bacon cooked just right, some sort of cheese melted by the heat of the chicken and bacon and a spicy sauce. Damn, that would be good. Could someone make me one of those right now?

Nonetheless, it's disappointing that PAC doesn't have the gastronomic balls to finish the thing. And his hoodie's hideous.

"The Awl reviewer ate both the fried and grilled versions.
In a row.
Just sayin'."

And then he followed that up with a vole and two field mice. By comparison, PAC didn't even make a single attempted swoop. What a let down.

I'm going to buy ten of these when I'm off work.

Can we give these to homeless people? Feed the hungry!

You didn't finish it? This is why I didn't vote for you PAC; you're not a closer.

PAT CXOPLEMAN, you fuck, I can't fucking believe you didn'yt eaty the whole ucjkyibnds thing ANS you can tell ybecause I"/me sitting right fuckgtyn nezt to you and I( just acan'[t belie3ve yhat you just made me watch this shit, and that in the end you st9i;llle didn't ;even eat the whole fucking thingf