Health Sep 27, 2010 at 11:13 am

You Be the Unlicensed Doctor!

Wm. Steven Humphrey
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Comments

1
AND NO, I DON'T HAVE "MERCURY POISONING." Ha. Beat ya to it.
Wm. Steven Humphrey on September 27, 2010 at 11:23 AM Mercury Staff
2
diabeetus
miguelaron on September 27, 2010 at 11:25 AM Report this
3
I have no idea what your condition may be, but I will say THIS IS THE BEST IDEA FOR RECURRING BLOGTOWN POST EVER. Please make this the next "Worst Night Ever," and let us diagnose whatever's wrong with a Mercury staffer every week.
dimitrir on September 27, 2010 at 11:27 AM Report this
4
Did you sit eating breakfast with your legs crossed, thereby temporarily cutting off proper blood flow to the lower cross effected leg?
pearce77 on September 27, 2010 at 11:28 AM Report this
5
I remember from watching Rocky that it's generally inadvisable to have sex before a physical confrontation, because you'll have weak legs the next day. I'm sure this is the case.
Fruit Cup on September 27, 2010 at 11:28 AM Report this
6
I ate standing up, and unfortunately, no sex for me yesterday. BOOOOO!!!!
Wm. Steven Humphrey on September 27, 2010 at 11:29 AM Mercury Staff
7
Your unitard is too small and it cut off the blood to your right leg. And/or it may have affected the nerves to your leg.
ujfoyt on September 27, 2010 at 11:33 AM Report this
8
Sciatica. I'm guessing you carry a wallet in your right rear pocket, right? Get a front pocket wallet or a man purse, and all will be better in a few days.
Steve R. on September 27, 2010 at 11:34 AM Report this
9
Wait, you're asking Mercury readers to diagnose what could be a serious medical condition? ... Let me go out on a limb and guess the Mercury doesn't provide its employees with health insurance.
on September 27, 2010 at 11:41 AM Report this
10
"It's stress."

(because that's what real doctors say when they have no freaking clue as to what's wrong with you)
albert on September 27, 2010 at 11:42 AM Report this
11
Actually miguelaron's post definitely has some possibilities to it... How has you vision been this last month? Have you noticed that some times it's fuzzier than other times?
BruceWang on September 27, 2010 at 11:48 AM Report this
12
You have lupus.

Or you have a hangover. I think all Mercury staff are hungover all of the time.
Graham on September 27, 2010 at 11:50 AM Report this
13
I carry my wallet in my front pocket.
Didn't drink last night.
My vision is always fuzzy.
I probably have a cross between diabeetus and lupus.
Wm. Steven Humphrey on September 27, 2010 at 11:53 AM Mercury Staff
14
Hmm, the willies are spinal. This must be the howling fantods.
dark on September 27, 2010 at 11:56 AM Report this
15
Back pain? Bowel or bladder incontinence? Leg swelling? Muscle weakness?
vicar on September 27, 2010 at 12:08 PM Report this
16
Phantom limb syndrome -- you actually don't have a right leg.

WHAT A TWIST!
cat & beard on September 27, 2010 at 12:26 PM Report this
17
@ "Back pain? Bowel or bladder incontinence? Leg swelling? Muscle weakness?"

No. No. No. Little bit, but just in the bum leg.
Wm. Steven Humphrey on September 27, 2010 at 12:29 PM Mercury Staff
18
genechtagazoinkal claudication?

Japanese Tiberius Fever?

Heavy Loin Syndrome?
TSW on September 27, 2010 at 12:30 PM Report this
19
It sounds like heavy leg syndrome. Here...

http://www.ehow.com/about_5438573_heavy-le…
kiala on September 27, 2010 at 12:31 PM Report this
20
Do you carry any electronic devices that transmit and receive radio waves in your pants pockets?
pearce77 on September 27, 2010 at 12:45 PM Report this
21
Do you have a Corsican twin brother?
mars on September 27, 2010 at 1:08 PM Report this
22
@ Kiala
Are you calling me obese or pregnant?

@ mars
Do you mean "Evil Wm.™ Steven Humphrey"? Other than him, no.
Wm. Steven Humphrey on September 27, 2010 at 1:14 PM Mercury Staff
23
Wow - you know I love ya, Steve. But the diagnosis is perfectly clear, and I'm afraid it's incurable. This is called "being a dramatic bitch." :)
Reymont on September 27, 2010 at 1:17 PM Report this
24
Annnddd.... scene.
CraigW on September 27, 2010 at 2:05 PM Report this
25
Trench foot? Gout? Peg Leg? Camel toe? Moose knuckles?

A naturopathic solution is to shove sweat peas in your pocket and keep them there until they begin to molder then run nude laps around the Merc office once every hour until leg feels better.
TSW on September 27, 2010 at 2:26 PM Report this
26
Phlebitis? Have you ever had varicose veins or other circulatory problems?
Sisya on September 27, 2010 at 3:42 PM Report this
27
Strange. I've been having the same problems in my left leg this week. But when you succumb to this terminal leg disease, can I have all your stuff?
Evil Wm. Steven Humphrey on September 27, 2010 at 4:19 PM Report this
28
Pinched nerve. Give it 2 weeks.
Sarahfina on September 27, 2010 at 5:16 PM Report this
29
Bieber Femur!
TSW on September 27, 2010 at 6:19 PM Report this
30
Let me find something fatal for you...unilateral leg weakness (look, look) got it...Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis :)

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/amyotro…

If I am right, will you leave me all your stuff?
faraway on September 27, 2010 at 8:36 PM Report this
31
Is Marjorie Skinner muttering while playing with a little doll and binder clips in her office again ?

Does the blood pressure match on each limb ?

Any spider bites on the limb ?
Rosy on September 27, 2010 at 10:39 PM Report this
32
Kudos for "Bieber femur."
Reymont on September 28, 2010 at 9:09 AM Report this
33
I GOT IT!

There is a small troll or gnome in your spinal fluid around the S1.

See a doctor immediately to get the troll or gnome removed.
MKUltraPDX on September 28, 2010 at 5:51 PM Report this
34
Butt plug cutting off circulation to the femural artery.

Remove, rinse, give it a day, stay away from the Beiber propaganda...you'll be strutin' before the next issue hits the streets.
El Stunto on September 28, 2010 at 11:12 PM Report this
35
@El Stunto -- You may be onto something there. At his age those parts start growing funny and pinching nerves. Maybe Steve needs his swollen prostate milked.

Maybe this is something Dan Savage teach him.
Rosy on September 29, 2010 at 1:36 AM Report this
36
I am worried about Evil Steve. He might have had a stroke. He keep missing a few letters in his words today. A heavy leg and a laggy hand is a symptom.
Rosy on September 29, 2010 at 11:41 PM Report this

Please wait...

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