Comments

1
why don't you ask him if you can use it every once in a while
2
While it may not always be unethical (e.g. Hitler's canoe), it is here. Have Ms. Steve (with Tiny Steve in tow) ask neighbor how much canoe cost. This discussion generally would lead someone who never uses their canoe to offer to let her borrow it, or buy it for some cheap amount.
3
It really depends on well you can conceal said canoe once you have absconded with it. If you do not have access to a large abandoned warehouse (or even a measly shed), then I would strongly advise against canoe cozening.
4
Someone should actually steal the canoe and then show the police this post. That way, I can have a free canoe and Wsh can be sent to jail forever! It's a win-win!
5
You should just move the canoe a couple of inches each night until it is in your yard, and therefore, yours.
6
@ tommyspoon, why do to the trouble of large abandoned warehouses and large sheds (have you priced sheds lately?) when you can simply murder the neighbor and have no one to report the theft? You can even use the canoe to dispose of the evidence!

I suppose you could simply blind him (if you're a pacifist, say) and maybe repaint the canoe to throw off any nosy family members/caretakers.
7
@ Joneser: A decent solution, though I'd add that for the couple years that the canoe is moving down the road toward Steve's, it should have signs indicating it's a food cart.

No one will complain about the canoe's seemingly odd hours.
8
DONT STEAL CANOES BRO
9
What color is the canoe? Can you claim you are liberating it?
10
@ mars

The canoe is yellow, and I suppose I could claim "liberation" because it's being overwhelmed by vines.
11
Hire four "little people," dress then as garden gnomes, and have them steal it. Force one of the interns to store the canoe for you (and the gnomes, too, if there's room).

Oh, you said "ethically," didn't you? But coming from you I assume that was just to confuse us.
12
Before commenting further, please refer to the "UPDATE" in the post above. Thank you.
13
But do you even know if she's seaworthy??

also: joneser + cc for co-COTW !
14
1) Take a dump in it. Then approach the guy and ask how much he'd be willing to sell it for. He'll realize its diminished value when you look at it together full of turdies and sell it to you for pennies on the dollar. You can handle cleaning your own poo, can't you?

2) Raise and train some raccoons to live in the canoe. Approach owner and enquire about purchasing. He'll freak when he looks inside and sees raccoons living in there. He has no idea those are YOUR raccoons! Take it off his hands for cheap. If neighbor suspects anything, have raccoons kill your neighbor.
3) Charge one of your staff (or Blogtowner) to seduce neighbor's wife and force a divorce. There's no damn storage for something that size at The Brittany Arms Apartment complex out east Burnside. Buy it from him for next to nothing when he has to down-size. Take co-conspiratorial staffperson on a nice canoe trip. Kill them and dump them in the water.
15
Hey, maybe it's not even their canoe! If it was, they surely be using it, right? Then it's not stealing, it's like a free box!

I came across a free box the other day that had a fork in it, but fork, canoe, it's all the same.
16
Set his garage on fire, call 911, quickly steal/hide the canoe.
17
@ Steve: You're either an asshole who steals canoes, or just a regular asshole. Forget about the ethics.
18
Take a picture of the canoe, print it out (and no it doesn't have to be life size because who invests in petty theft?), pin the picture to his garage, canoe away. There, done.
19
steal that fucker and go canoeing
20
You shouldn't steal your neighbor's canoe. It's inevitable that he'll see you with the canoe, and he'd either have you arrested or come over and beat you up.

Steal someone else's canoe instead.
21
It is perfectly ethical to steal the canoe if you are Boat Cop, and there is high speed action going down the river. You have mere moments to set your trap, but the hooligans CANNOT hear you doing so (or danger would ensue).
22
Ophelia for the win. (But I am willing to listen to other similarly reasonable ideas.)
23
It is always ethical to do whatever you want. Anything else is just Big Brother trying to rape you with Mind Crimes. Nothing is forbiden. Everything is Permitted.
24
If the canoe owner is a Suppressive Person (and, come on, what other type of person would own a yellow canoe?) then you are allowed to take all necessary measures to spite and irritate the SP's thetans.

Alternatively, if you promised a little kid a pony and can't afford to buy one, stealing a canoe for said kid is ethically OK. Especially if the canoe owner is a great big poopy-pants. Or steal a goat, I know where you can find some.
25
Is it ethically wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed ones starving family? No, of course not. The survival of another being is trumped by the moral compunctions against stealing, especially if that bread would otherwise just sit in the neighbors yard, uneaten.

ERGO: you need to find some starving people who only eat canoes and adopt them.
26
To further caustic's argument: by extension, stealing something that you need to live is not ethically wrong. But how can you truly call it "living" if you have no canoe to row around in? YOU NEED THAT CANOE TO LIVE.
27
Too late, he reads Blogtown.
28
Caustic and tk? You are my kind of people.
29
you could take it if he were dead, and he might die if someone cut his brake lines, but that would be the only way.
30
I will help you steal this canoe. If we get caught we can blame it on my upbringing.
31
Regular feature please.
32
All of our moral utterances are emotivist. Just steal the fucking canoe already and be done with it.
33
It is justifiable-IF you can dig a trench from your closest body of water TO the canoe, so that the tide pulls the canoe into the waterway and then you "rescue" it from being pulled to the sea, you, by the statutes of international law, become the owner of said canoe.
34
if you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. but if you steal a mans canoe, then he can eat shit!
35
Canoe thieves deserve to be locked by u-lock around the neck to the nearest parking meter just like bike thieves.

I'll loan you mine.
36
I suppose it would be ok to tap your SO's arse if it's not being used at the time I noticed it.
37
Canoes have serial numbers and it is grand theft.

Next time he is out of town ask his wife if she would like to trade the canoe for a box of chocolates, a bottle of champaign, and a nice romantic row on the lake.

Win win -- thank baalzebubba.

Or borrow my scoutmaster's uniform and ask if he wants to donate the canoe to the scouts.
38
If someone does steal it, we should SEND HIM UP THE RIVER
39
If you cum inside of something it's yours. This applies to canoes.
40
It's perfectly ethical to steal someone's canoe if it is so said canoe is to be used for the greater good. An example of this would be if someone was drowning in a lake and you wanted to save them, but you don't know how to swim. So what you should do is find someone who can't swim, put them in the middle of a lake, and then steal the canoe and use it to save them before they drown. Hopefully they survive, but even if they don't, rest assured your canoe stealing was legit. Technically, you should return the canoe after you're done saving the drowning person. However, if you were to, say, celebrate saving a drowning person by becoming blackout drunk immediately afterwards, then when someone asks why you didn't return the canoe you can just say you forgot, which is probably true, thus avoiding the ethical dilemma of lying about why you didn't return the canoe. If you failed to save the drowning person, getting black-out drunk is also considered an appropriate response, since you are likely to want to "drown your sorrows." (When you say that, be sure to start crying because of your unfortunate pun. No one really likes to be in the position of having to question the ethics of a person who is crying because he failed to save a drowning person.)

If you already know how to swim, you should maybe also get black-out drunk before stealing the canoe so you forget how to swim, so as to not have to lie about why stealing the canoe was necessary for saving the drowning person. I think if you follow all these steps, you should pretty much be in the clear, ethically speaking.

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