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When I hear a screaming kid I march right up to that lil bastard, grab hold of their chin and look 'em in the eye for a few seconds. Then I pull down my pants and squeeze their tiny nose really hard between the flexed cheeks of my butt and fiercely fart out some vile slappy grease which smacks all across their face. Kids love a good fart joke. Sends them into fits of laughter and shuts them right the fuck up. Parents love it when I lend a hand, or ass. Sometimes they try to tip me but I say 'nah, save it for the kids college fund'.

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