Or you could get Sarah Mirk to euthanize it for you!

tie animal in questions legs tightly together and throw over a bridge and into the drink

Fluoridate them?

Be sure they're counted as readers of the Willamette Week before you off them.

Throw them in the Chainsaw Roomba room.

I found a beige squirrel that was paralyzed from the waist-down (i suspect cat attack). It was still very much alive. I called animal control and they said I had to call the humane society on the west side of town. I called and they said it was invasive so it wasn't their job.

I put on my thickest gloves, caught it and brought it to the nearest vet. They thanked me for bringing it in and said they'd put it down. When I offered money, they said "no, it's something we take care of when we have to". I was a little humbled.

The "pass the buck" attitude of institutions that my tax and donation dollars fund in disturbing.

Fuck starlings.