Speaker Boehner: "Did I ever mention that I loved you in Blazing Saddles?"

Please no handjobs at the table, Mr. Speaker.

"I'd love to be the cream filling in an Oreo sandwich!"

- Speaker Boehner.

"It would have to be one of those Halloween-themed Oreos."

- President Obama.

Speaker Boehner:

"Even though i hate your blackie guts, Mr. President, i must admit that your wife is quite attractive...for a black woman."

President Obama:

"Hahaha -- keep it up, you racist fuck."

Sphincter says what?

Good wine, Mr. President! ... I spilled some on my pants, don't think little "Fiscal Willy" will mind ... told my wife the other day "the president brought me a stimulus package: two Viagra and a copy of Playboy!" ... now that Michelle has bangs, my wife is gonna want bangs, maybe I'll need that Viagra after all ... wife wants me to eat healthier, how 'bout an executive order declaring single-malt scotch a vegetable? ... IS THERE MORE WINE?

I'm still working on my tan, I'll be as dark as y'all any day now, but I still haven't figured out how to kink my hair.