Portland needs a squad of undercover cops on tall bikes. Maybe hire some Cirque du Soleil washouts who can leap down and tackle crooks, taunting them in Québécois as they cuff 'em.

Such drama! I bet DeNiro's agent is on the phone right now lining his client up for the lead in "The Fare Inspector."

"You may not even know he's there, but he's been keeping you safe as you ride through all stages of life, from the Gateway to the Sunset."