The only piece of umbrella etiquette anyone needs is to knock it the fuck off and buy a hat.

How long does it take someone living in Portland before you just suck it up and stop with the giant retractable rain deflector nonsense? Get a good coat and maybe a hat. There. You're fine. It's just water.

Golf umbrellas belong on the golf course. No exceptions.

If I see you on the streets of downtown using a golf umbrella, I will take it from you, collapse it, then open it inside your ass.

Welcome to Portland, Megan. When did you move here?

If you grew up in the Pacific NW, you know the rain walk. Head (with hat, preferably) tilted down, moving briskly forward at a slight angle.

Ladies (or fellas) with fancy up-dos, feel free to wield an umbrella.

Nothing made me appreciate Portland's lack of umbrellas more than going to the most populated and touristy area of London on a rainy summer weekend last month. FUCK I HATE UMBRELLAS

Hate you umbrella-wielding maniacs.... all of you. I'ma curse your umbrella and make you lose it on the bus!

yeah, what's an "umbrella"?

If a sidewalk is partially, but not fully, covered by an awning then umbrella-carriers should walk in the rain and leave that area for the rest of us. It's no fun being displaced out into the rain by an umbrella person.

Don't let the umbrella-haters get you down. As friendly as Portlanders usually are, they are infuriated by how insanely uncool umbrellas are. Don't try to logic with them about how umbrellas are useful, just keep them out of their faces.

For god sakes walk in a straight line and don't willy nilly veer off course without making sure someone isn't behind or next to you.

Fuck it, that applies equally to non-umbrella people.

All this rain gives you a sweet ass excuse to buy a $500 rain jacket that you could wear to the bottom of the Marianas Trench without getting wet.

Umbrellas are so 1875. What's next, my dear fellow? A dainty parasol to keep the wretched sun from blistering me lady's milky white alabaster skin?