Decemberists Frontman Colin Meloy Tweeted Erotic Fanfiction About the Militia Standoff and It's Awesome - Portland Mercury | Comments

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2

Grow up Portland Mccory you fucking traitors to this nation to nation why don't you sit down and grow some

Nikolus Benson on January 6, 2016 at 12:24 PM

3

Hix Lix Thick Stix

Todd Mecklem on January 6, 2016 at 12:54 PM

4

Thanks Mr Melloy for your homophobic prose- nothing like insinuating that gay sex is an insult to people.

Cory McCall on January 6, 2016 at 1:11 PM

5

Aaaaw sounds like it hit a little to close to home for poor Nikolus

Megan Harbaugh on January 6, 2016 at 1:11 PM

6

This is why punctuation and grammar matter.

Tina M Trebino on January 6, 2016 at 1:17 PM

7

OH Boo Who, no M&Ms, Oreos or Fritos and Cheetos.
Just Moon Pies,Mountain Dew and Beef Jerky. This does not sound fun. Big Bad Gus sleeping in a bird reserve because they forgot their tents and sleeping bags. Oh did you catch that Ted Bundy said they miss their wives? They all have at least five.
I love the native AMERICAN and the people who say go the fuck home.

candy coded on January 6, 2016 at 1:35 PM

8

Haha. That Nikolos dude is hilarious.

Arcellus Sykes on January 6, 2016 at 1:37 PM

9

As their two beards became one, Eustice glanced by his sharkskin shoulder holster to his wallet where his other Magnum would protect Roscoe's lengthy constitution.

Bundy on January 6, 2016 at 2:09 PM

10

As their two beards became one, Eustice glanced by his alligator shoulder holster on the way to his wallet where another Magnum was waiting to protect Roscoe's lengthy Constitution.

Bundy on January 6, 2016 at 2:15 PM

11

Hungry for a snack, Cletus squeezed the ding dong of Festus and savored the creamy goodness as it spilled forth. His tongue rimmed chocolate pieces while a lone coyote jabbered at the moon. Or was that Festus . . . Cletus found his Heckler and Koch, determined to make the weird laughing stop.

SissyLee on January 6, 2016 at 4:28 PM

12

http://www.katekretz.com/work-by-series/#/gunlickers/

Kate Kretz on January 6, 2016 at 5:15 PM

13

Ammon played his favorite song by the Fucki Pussys, "traders to this nation" and they danced, trying to defy the mad passion surging in their loins.

pork chop on January 6, 2016 at 5:32 PM

14

Nikolus winced as he saw the comments posted on the page. He clutched at his framed portrait of the protesters, hoping his comments would not only defend them but hurt the emotions of Portland Mercury administrators. Tears welled in his eyes, leading him to fail in realizing simple spelling errors. 'Stay safe Ammon-chan....stay safe...' left his supple lips. Delicate fingers attempted to run through Ammon's hair, meeting only a computer screen. He wept.

Pandasmores on January 6, 2016 at 5:50 PM

15

Or alternatively:

Nikolus was thrilled that Ammon responded to his OK Cupid ad. His washboard abs quivered as he shared another shirtless selfie.

pork chop on January 6, 2016 at 5:53 PM

16

How is it homophobic? This particular queer certainly doesn't find it so (and no, I don't care if you don't like the term 'queer' - I've been using it for thirty plus years, and I'm not stopping...).

Tim Murphy on January 6, 2016 at 6:50 PM

17

In Colin's defense re: same-sex sexiness, Cory McCall, there probably aren't any women occupying the space.

Melissa Leeanne Griffiths on January 6, 2016 at 7:04 PM

18

Tim- I just find it homophobic in the sense that it tells us the only thing worse than being a domestic terrorist is to be a domestic terrorist who has gay sex.

Melissa- I can see what you are saying , however it's still startling to be the butt of the joke.

Cory McCall on January 6, 2016 at 8:01 PM

19

I'm gay and I know what "homophobic prose" sounds like. This is delightful and fucking hilarious.

I also, much to my shame, think Ammon Bundy is smokin' hot (though rest assured, I would never touch him with a 10-foot pole and especially not a 6-inch pole).

john t on January 6, 2016 at 8:06 PM

20

Cory, I think the point is that Y'all Queda would be offended by being portrayed in this manner, while the rest of us wouldn't think it is an insult. It is using their own beliefs against them. It is lampooning both their idiotic occupation and their homophobic beliefs.

MegaZone on January 6, 2016 at 8:19 PM

21

Ammon couldn't wait for the FBI to cut the power. Not only would he be unable to charge his phone, he would be forced to cuddle with that adorable otter, Eustace. The younger man nearly drove Ammon to his knees every time Eustace field stripped his rifle. Ammon imagined challenging him to assemble the gun blindfolded and slipping something nearly as hard as that barrel, into Eustace oily hand.

Deanna Long on January 6, 2016 at 8:23 PM

22

A bunch of drama queens you all are...to educate you dumb asses about the real situation see the link below...

http://youtu.be/bx4ocLdWE90

yousuck on January 6, 2016 at 8:52 PM

23

Hammie "Hocks" Sugarfoot loped into camp one day, the day that changed my life forever, the day when time stood still inside the furious beating of my heart. Tall blonde, lean and hard in a way that no one had ever been hard before, he smiled a shattering smile at, perhaps, some secret joke, or the knowledge of the effect he was having on me. Slowly unfastening his holster with impossibly long, cruel fingers that I wanted to caress me, he came towards me, steely blue eyes boring a hole into every fiber of my being; a mute Adonis who outshone the sun. Weak - kneed and trembling I tried to catch my breath. I tried to meet his gaze as he stopped to stand in front of me. "Take me," my brain screamed silently. Then he spoke. "Y'all got sum snacks? Y'know, like beer nuts er' pork squeezin's er' sumpin'? Ah'm hongry and I ain't remembered t' bring nuthin an' muh danged MeeMaw ain't packed me nuthin neither.'

Akira Bear on January 6, 2016 at 9:20 PM

24

Anyone going to make the easy joke about his butt of the joke hurting or is that out of line.

hilariousharry5 on January 6, 2016 at 9:21 PM

25

Anyone going to make the "butt of the joke" comment on how his must hurt.... or is that out of line.

Cory's Veiny wide huge. .........forehead is throbbing being exacerbated due to his own feelings of closet life. Having homophobic tendencies himself and feelings he can't explain will hanging out with his fellow gym mates fantasizing about clean and Jerk scenarios. Lol

hilariousharry5 on January 6, 2016 at 9:30 PM

26

Cory, I get where you're coming from but I think you have to understand who exactly is being mocked. The "militiamen" are the butt of the joke. They are clearly looking for attention, but I'm not sure they're looking for THIS sort of attention. So let's give it to em! As a gay woman I find this refreshing and hysterical.

Elizabeth 1 on January 6, 2016 at 11:46 PM

27

I do feel a little guilty. I want to laugh at the creative homoerotic fanfiction but deep down I know Cory is right. We are all laughing a little at the fact that the ranch dudes are having gay sex. 30 years ago I was at a wedding and two straight guy friends were slow dancing together pretending to be in love and everyone was getting a chuckle out of it. I remember turning to the person next to me and letting her know that is how I dance in real life. They didn't mean to be homophobic, they just were.

SFHarry on January 7, 2016 at 12:10 AM

28

Cory McCall:

Sorry to straightsplain, and I do get your point, but obviously, Meloy and company are being ironic. No doubt, Bundy and his merry band of chuckleheads DO think being gay is an insult.

Michael G Conroy on January 7, 2016 at 6:11 AM

29

YouSuck:

Don't forget to pick up your weekly dozen packages of Reynold's Wrap on the way home.

Michael G Conroy on January 7, 2016 at 6:15 AM

30

Homoerotic fanfic #2: Hammie's Story (excerpt)
"Ah ain't never thought t'muhself bout goin' back home agin since we done done it t'gether. We'uns could stay here an' jes' eke out uh livin on the land, eat birds n' sh*t," stammered the devastatingly beautiful, impossibly shy Hammie.
Ammon grinned from ear to ear, reached up, and planted a warm, stubble-filled kiss on Hammie's softly waiting open mouth, then let his tongue slowly traverse the area from Hammie's soft lips to his awaiting ear lobe, warm and inviting. But his mind raced ahead to the half a million in government welfare that was waiting for him at the local savings and loan.
"Lessee now, we might could work that out," he lied agreeably while thinking, "Iffen ah play muh cards right, Ah smells another gov't. loan a'comin' muh way after this here a'fightin' n' foolin' aroun' in the woods. Ah could get me uh million."
Hammie's stomach growled suddenly, loudly, insistently. "Hammie blushed and smiled, "Ah shore need me sum snacks this mornin. But we ain't remembered t' pack none."
"Ah'll be yer snack," whispered Ammon, grabbing him roughly.

Akira Bear on January 7, 2016 at 7:45 AM

31

"The preacher on the television said it was wrong, but as he felt an even greater hardness than his gun barrel within his drawers he knew it was Constitutionally right....

Marcus Marik on January 7, 2016 at 8:02 AM

32

This is pretty funny. And, about the only thing halfway decent to come from the Decemberists. Ever.

JTR on January 7, 2016 at 9:57 AM

33

I cannot speak for Cory but I do think I understand where he is coming from. Being gay is one of the few minority groups that we make fun of regularly and don't really even know it. Take for example if we were instead comparing these guys to being black and just making fun of them for simply having characteristics of being black and everyone was getting a good laugh at how funny that would be I bet a lot more people would find it racist than they do find this homophobic. What if we compared these guys to "throwing like a girl" or being "on the rag," I think the lesbian above who commented might view it differently. What if we compared them to Jews and just generally made fun of what it is to be Jewish.
This is not outright hatred it is just the subtle ways homophobia is infused in our society that we don't even notice it. Thinking this stuff is funny doesn't make you a horrible person but it is good to understand what you are laughing at.

SFHarry on January 7, 2016 at 10:08 AM

34

If there were any women in the "militia" than they might be part of the erotic fiction too, but since the whole show is a sausage fest, so is the story.

Another stamp of approval from a queer person.

Maggiejo D'arc on January 7, 2016 at 10:59 AM

35

Awesome Decemberist's joke JTR!!! You sure are hilarious dude.

JTR Sucks!!! on January 7, 2016 at 11:09 AM

36

Tim, with all due respect, the author was not making fun of homosexuality. If anything, he was making fun of the flaming hetrosexuality of these uber-macho gun waving fundamentalist d-bags. And Nikolus. He definitely had Nik in mind when he wrote these.

C. Neil Bergenstein on January 7, 2016 at 1:29 PM

37

Brilliant!

Dave Dolliver on January 7, 2016 at 2:12 PM

38

I find this very offensive as a gay man, plus it is just cheap, fratboy humor. The same guys who find this amusing would probably find it amusing to haze a pledge with a pool cue up the ass. Or maybe it's a way for you "straights" to express your latent homosexuality. It ain't fuckin' funny.

loveanddeath on January 7, 2016 at 2:16 PM

39

Oh the explaining -- it's just satire! Thanks, I know what satire is. I get the idea that the members of this militia would not appreciate the portrayal. That information does not make a difference to me and I would guess it does not make a difference to the other people who are offended. They get it, too. This hashtag is mostly an excuse for a bunch of opportunistic wanna be comedians to make a bunch of cheap jokes about gay sex. They love having this excuse to congratulate themselves while make a bunch of blow and swallow puns. Gay men are offered up time and again as a joke and this context does not help. Sorry your fun times are lame but they are.

januaryist on January 7, 2016 at 3:34 PM

40

The joke is awesome. Not an insult to homosexuality but to redneck shit nuggets. Plus most of this thread is well written, playful and tender. I bet Dan Savage would gleefully approve...

Aurelius141 on January 7, 2016 at 4:08 PM

41

We shouldn't make fun, one of these fine gentleman may well end up being Bristol Palin's next babydaddy. #LoonDynasty

Todd Mecklem on January 7, 2016 at 6:08 PM

42

It's sort of like when people say "that's so gay." They don't think they are being homophobic because they don't mean to compare being gay to all things crappy, it's just a saying, but if you are gay and you repeatedly hear yourself being compared to all things crappy you have a different view.
I think people get so pissed at hearing that this homoerotic fanfiction is homophobic because they think it is really funny and really don't want to even consider that they are being homophobic. In some ways that is good and in some ways bad.

SFHarry on January 7, 2016 at 7:17 PM

43

Seattle here.

This comment thread is fascinating, not the least reason because it's so wildly different from the thread that would have followed placement in The Stranger.

Joe Wolf on January 7, 2016 at 10:23 PM

44

Love the Mercury. Always have and always will. My Question is Who The Fuck Cares About The Decemberists??? If you haven't been in Portland since Y2K, like the Mercury; Go The Fuck Back Where You Came From Before I Start Killing All The Hipsters Taking My Land In NOPO!!!

Jeremy Christian on January 8, 2016 at 9:15 AM

45

Its like the Iggy Pop advertisement "Im not ashamed to dress like a woman because I don't think its shameful to be a woman" - A straight person should not shame others by using gay erotica, because gay sex is not shameful.

Cory McCall on January 8, 2016 at 10:55 AM

46

while I first thought this all was really funny on further reflection it strikes me as being very HOMOPHOBIC. It also totally dismisses a cause where I suspect there is more to the story than media headlines. And thirdly, making fun of these folks because of their old timey names? Really, Colin?

luckyus on January 9, 2016 at 2:43 PM

47

Some of you posters need to lighten up! I consider myself to be an "Enlightened Red-Neck", unlike these Inbred Molesters Of Livestock! And I have gay friends that would ALL take this as the SNARK it IS and Laugh like Hyenas like I did at these posts! Lighten Up!! Quit being so Portlandia P.C.!!

Mark Forrette on January 9, 2016 at 8:24 PM

48

Hey Mark, Thanks for telling me how I should feel. I'm trying to lighten up as I write. It just doesn't seem to be working. I guess because you have gay friends you are an authority on the way gay people should feel when denigrated.

SFHarry on January 10, 2016 at 3:57 PM

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