I have come to the conclusion, after reading this, that every young person in this town is either psychotic asshole or a gigantic fucking crybaby.

"every young person in this town is either psychotic asshole or a gigantic fucking crybaby."

You forgot angry, hateful drunk.

They wiped their taints with the sheets before running? What a desult!

Nice conclusion iceprez. Tainted sheets may not be the most effed up thing to happen to someone, probably unlike meeting you, but what qualifies you to assess the mental state of someone venting on a stupid, trashy publication like the Mercury?

Am I the only one who noticed the puzzling "you use a burger patty as a loofah" jab? Weak, anonymous, weak. I expect more. What about... hmm... "you wear the socks you jerked off into" or "your ringworm has ringworm"? I also like accusations of "harboring helminths," but that's because I'm AN POET.

While your use of proper grammar and punctuation bespeaks of a non-Portland upbringing, your story tugs at certain questions.

Why was your room-mate having a sprinkler spooge-fest with the typical near Portland homeless in your bed?
Why are you bitching when you have a washer/dryer in your house? (a trip to the laundromat would have been an IA in itself).

I'll take your answers off-line. Thank you.

Oh, BokChoy...when will you just concede to the fact that all the amazing grammar from Portland truly comes from those young, white, college-grad professional transplants? Come on now.

Anon,
I've had friends fuck on my bed. I've also had friends fuck on my couch, recliner and living room area rug, but you know what the difference is between your situation and my past situations? I didn't wuss out on the opportunity to tell my friends to clean their shit up. Plain and simple, anon--if there's a fuck fest happening in your bed and you weren't invited, you are allowed to lay down the god damn law. But you didn't, anon, and instead came to I,A as an alternative. You have the right to bitch on here, though, because despite what these assholes will tell you, this IS a rant blog. But take my advice for next time: when you catch some foul play going down on your sheets, tell your friends (as politely or rudely as you feel comfortable) to please take their endeavors elsewhere and while they're at it, they can drop your sheets off at the washer. If you don't do that, then I can't say anyone here will feel sorry for you.

And one more piece of advice, anon: you gotta think of some better jabs, as BokChoy pointed out, than "use a burger patty as a loofah". It isn't helping your case.

Correction: it was Portland's own poet, jamdox, who pointed out your lame insult.

IA, maybe you shouldn't drink soo goddamned much. You ever think about that?

When I was in my 20' s and lived with roommates, I invested in a little trifle called a locking doorknob. "Yo Prez, why do you have a lock on your door? You don't trust us?" they would always ask. Hell fucking no I did'nt. I also did not have a stranger's come/piss/shit/blood/puke cocktail on my sheets and blankets. A wise investment.

I once had sex with a young lady on my friend's futon. She happened to be menstruating at that time and a few smudges were noticed by said friend. I didn't know they were there but when he mentioned it I promptly apologized and cleaned it up. Situation diffused.