A few points because I'm desperate for distraction:
1. You can say "fuck." "F*CK" is not a word.
2. What is a "lolly pop ride"? Probably nothing.
3. It's "all of a sudden" not "all the sudden"
4. If you high-fived a pedestrian, that's not relevant to the story you're attempting to tell. Most people who high-five each other are douche bags, mentioning it later quadruples it.
5. There's no difference between driving "onto" the sidewalk and driving "ONTO" it except that the latter is more annoying to read.
6. When you say "hella," unless you're 17 and in California, or are being facetious, people laugh at you.
7. "Stripiest" is not a word. Things either have stripes or they do not; it's not a matter of degree.
8. "Shredded ink covered legs" What? Ink cannot be shredded. Evem with a hyphen somewhere this would still be confusing.
9. Your story is tedious and boring. What does candy have to do with anything? Take a writing class.

In before someone corrects me for "Evem"
And now I'm going to stick Twizzlers in my ears and go walk down the sidewalk. What an awesome story that will make.

Why care about such a rant? Boring writing sure, are any of these really any good? Idk exactly how much of this was fabricated but I will say it does sound worth writing and I found it mildly entertaining. Obviously the author intended (or so I'd hope) to be confusing and offensive and it's clearly working.

P.S. "stripiest" is a word Dexter

@Scalaer, that confused the hell out of me too. I don't know if this is a true (albeit badly written) story but if you speak the same way you write I hope I am never forced to converse with you