I'm a gay man in my early 30s and living with my boyfriend of the same age. We met over ten years ago and had a short fling. It was amazing. I'd never felt more connected to anyone. But , then we moved cities and then states apart due to jobs and school. I'd often wondered what could have been if... things were great but neither of us was willing to commit at that point to a long distance relationship. We kept in touch on and off and about two years ago after a series of visits and lots of conversation he moved to live with me. I couldn't have been happier to be with him. I felt like I got a second chance on the guy I'd been fantasizing about for years. He was the one who got away. And yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic.

I'd recently been in a sexless and emotionless four year marriage with a woman (thought of myself as secretly bisexual for a long time because I didn't think my family would accept me as gay- now that I'm out they still don't) before and was cheated on twice that I know of before I filed for divorce. As such, I had expressed to him my need for a very sexual and close relationship. I also said I was open to an open relationship, but he didn't want that. So I've grown accustomed to monogamy, and honestly, that's probably what I prefer. I think my offer of an open relationship was mainly to protect myself being cheated on again. Like if you condone it up front, you have nothing to fear.

He moves in and honeymoon period... love and sex every night... it felt amazing. Skip forward to a few months in and he's not interested in sex or being intimate. He says I just have a higher sex drive. And while I do, I'm OK with not having sex or being intimate if my partner isn't feeling it. But he began to reject me rather harshly for a bit. About a year ago I discovered he's staying up late at night watching porn and talking to dudes on grindr and has accounts on other apps as well. I also had a few apps- never hid the fact, but once he moved I only used them for networking and to be social. I asked him about it and he explained he felt like he didn't have enough alone time... meaning to enjoy porn and solo masturbation and I assume sharing those moments with other dudes on grindr. Even though he knew I was OK with these apps as long as it wasn't a physical hookup, he always nervously hid his phone or iPad when I'd come into the room. I'd log on and see he'd just been on. Didn't care, just seemed weird for him to act suspicious over something we'd set boundaries for together.

I told him I'd never try to control him or his body. That's a buzzkill and honestly not who I am. However, I expressed an interest in being open about sharing porn with one another, watching together, etc. And not being secretive about hiding things. I'm just asking for honesty. I don't need to know about every time he jerks off (I enjoyed my own alone time with and without porn and feel no need to answer to that) but I also have found overwhelming evidence of him jerking off and watching porn every time I leave the house for an hour. He knows I'm available and eager to please him, but he pushes me away and I come home to a cum-stained bedspread. It's gotten so that I feel miserable leaving knowing it is going on and he's not being considerate by leaving the evidence around. I used to enjoy porn and solo masturbation and now I feel like I don't even want to indulge in those activities.

He's also addicted to video games. Sometimes playing 10+ hours a day. He's gained weight and doesn't want to leave the house or be active. I lost 55 lbs to try to have an awesome body for this guy, and weight gain or no, I still love his body and mind and I frequently tell him. But now that I'm doing all the housework, cooking, paying for the majority of expenses, I just feel like a straight girl with a video and porn addict boyfriend. And while I'm more empathic and tend to be somewhat more "feminine" in my emotions, I'm starting to feel like an emasculated housewife. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a misogynist or gender biased. I guess I'm still finding myself and trying to understand myself since coming out a couple years ago.

On the weekends we have a great connection sexually, but during the week days he gets home from work before me and watches porn and leaves the evidence. I've asked him to be more discreet or at least cut it down a bit to not every single weekday... but maybe I'm being too controlling. I probably am. I just want to feel wanted and appreciated.

I guess my question is should I just accept that weekends are for us and weekdays are for him and porn? He's not cheating, we have sex a couple times a week, which compared to my past marriage is amazing. If I'm being ridiculous and need to get a grip, please let me know. And if so, what can I do to feel OK with his habits and empower myself to feel OK on my own? It's taken me over 2 weeks to try to write this. I know you get a ton of mail and I don't expect a response. But I really need to know if I'm being controlling and need to change.

If you did read this, thanks in advance for doing so. And he knows I have this app so I'd rather not have this published. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Maybe I'm The Problem

You have my permission to break up with this guy.

Lots of people wonder about what could have been—about the guys, girls, and non-binaries who got away—and most fantasize about loving relationships and rocking sex lives and other rosy scenarios. But a shit outcome is just as likely as a loving/rocking/rosy one—no, scratch that. Most relationships fail, MITP, so a shit outcome is far likelier than a loving/rocking/rosy one.

You've had a shit outcome and it's time to pull the plug. The coming all over the bedspread is unforgivable all by itself—he can't use socks or tissues or come rags?—to say nothing of the neglect, the laziness, and the mooching. You aren't obligated to stay with/pay for this guy for the rest of your life just because he moved across the country to be with you.

You can do better. DTMFA.