I am a lesbian, and have been in a relationship with the same woman for twelve years, and though we have shared so much good stuff, there has never been a sufficient amount (or at least the right brand) of romance or sex for me. We were never compatible, sex-wise, and part of the issue has been that thatâs been OK with my partner, who lacks much of a libido⌠whereas sex and romance are both extremely important to me. When we initially got together, I did realize that this was an issue, but the good far outweighed the bad, and my needs at that point were very different than they are now, so I rationalized it and then rationalized it again. But my fundamental needs have caught up with me, as they do, and a few years ago I had an affair, which got busted open, and resulted in...
But every time I tried to wrap my head around leaving my primary relationship, I would become frozen with fear and sadness, since there is so much to stay in it for. My partner and I had discussed open relationships, but, after many lengthy discussions, my partner said it wouldnât work for her. Knowing I was unhappy, she kept asking me what I wanted, and I kept saying "I don't know." Yet I'd continue to fall deeper in love with my new person, still unable to confront my partner with my new truth. Finally, after months (actually, yearsâŚ) of this loop de loop, my partner has boldly decided that we should live separately and work on ârestructuringâ who we are as a coupleâbut neither the words âdivorceâ nor âseparationâ have never been uttered. We are taking it one step at a time, but we are now "allowed" to have sexual and romantic relationships with others, as long as we tell each other. (I cannot imagine telling her about my new love.) My partner has an alternate place to stay for now, thanks to friends who are traveling, and we are managing, at least for now, to run our business mostly remotely. Yet I think Iâm in some kind of deep denial, and my partner and I continue to talk and text throughout the day. Sometimes I even manage to convince myself that nothing has changed, but in the quiet moments, I realize that nothing will ever be the same.
I canât figure out for the life of me what I want my primary relationship to become, or what I want it to ârestructureâ into. Why can't I make a decision and then own that? Iâm so very sad at the idea of losing the person I thought was my âlife partner,â and I know that the day she finds out about my new love (even though I suspect she knows, on some level)âwho is now in the middle of a divorce herselfâmy partner will be devastated and not want to talk to me. My new love, who I am really passionately in love with, lives far away, and so any relationship we would pursue would require one of us moving. We are open to that, but is it realistic for me, at 42, to just up and leave my life like this? To leave my marriage which works on so many levels for the possibility of a new love, and all the risks that come with that? Itâs been posed to me that my new love is simply a catalyst for me to get out of my marriage, but I donât feel thatâs trueâIâm completely head over heels crazy about her.
But where does that leave my partner and me? Is it possible that me and my partner could transition into a relationship where we are still familyâmaybe even the most important people to each otherâwhile I am pursuing this other relationship? Should I stay or should I go?
Feeling Unable(to) Choose Knowledgeably
Sexual compatibility is important. It should be established early, guarded jealously, and sustained continually. And sexual compatibility is absolutely crucial in what isâor in what's supposed to beâa sexually exclusive relationship. I know, FUCK, I know: You realize all of this now, after spending the last twelve years with a woman with whom you never clicked sexually... a relationship you somehow managed to rationalize your way into but can't seem to rationalize your way out of.
So... should you stay or should you go?
You should go, FUCK, as you've stayed too long alreadyâand going will be easier than you think, seeing as you're already gone. Your partner has already moved out and she's already given you permission to move the fuck on. You are "allowed" to have "sexual and romantic relationships with others," FUCK, so long as you inform your soon-to-be-ex about seeing/fucking/romancing someone else. So tell your partner you're seeing someone else and tell her it's more than just sexâand if your wife can't handle that particular truth, if the news precipitates a final and unambiguous breakup, if it causes her to utter the words "divorceâ and âseparationâ, GOOD.
And if the news doesn't prompt her to utter those two magic words, FUCK, utter them yourself.
I might've suggested telling the wife you'd be willing to remain married if you could open the marriage and enter into romantic relationships with othersâif you could be polyâbut it doesn't sound like you want to be with your current partner anymore, FUCK. It sounds like you're afraid to be without her... and fear is a terrible reason to stay with someone.
So, yeah, restructure your relationship: a friendship, not a marriage; business partners, not life partners; someone's wife, maybe, at some point in the future, but not her wife anymore.