Dan Savage, sir, there is no correct way to introduce kink in the middle of a relationship. The correct time to introduce kink into the middle of a relationship is at the beginning so that the moral boundaries of the vanilla person will be present and respected, and they have the option to reject your kinky ass and go find someone healthy. Trying to introduce someone proudly vanilla to your kinks after they have emotionally invested in someone, is a violation of their personal boundaries and their right to stay as vanilla as they like.

It's like someone confessing that they eat scorpion peppers and want me to do it too, to keep them interested in my cooking. How about hell no, I have a palate that can discern 10,000 different flavors of NOT HOT, and I like being able to enjoy flavor subtlety that hasn't burnt out my...

Vivamus dui velit, vehicula non sodales a, aliquet sit amet orci. In lorem nulla, porttitor a nibh ac, auctor sodales libero. Phasellus sit amet consectetur urna, sed congue neque. Mauris a commodo arcu, sed commodo libero. Nam vel orci sapien. Pellentesque ac magna hendrerit, efficitur purus dapibus, facilisis est. Maecenas tortor ante, lacinia eget ante vitae, aliquet interdum tortor. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi quis bibendum arcu.
...taste buds at 3 million scoville units. I am not obligated to be open minded to eating scorpion peppers when you finally get up the nerve to say all my lovely cooking is bland. Tell me you prefer scorpion peppers before I cook for you, so that I don't waste my time flavoring the meal with subtle sweets and savories with all the effort involved, and just boot your ass out the door. Because if someone's palate is blasted out, everything tastes like vanilla. I don't want to cook for you then, because it'll get all up in my eyes and burn like hell. Don't ask me in the middle of dinner. Seriously.

I don't need to waste my time cooking for someone with no palate, or get hooked into blasting my own palate. Fuck the scorpion peppers. If someone respects me, they'll tell me they don't want what I have to cook for them, and leave before I feel inadequate or morally compromised.

10,000 Flavors Of Vanilla

My longstanding advice to kinksters has been to roll their kinks out a few weeks in, no more than three months in—you know: early in the relationship, not in the middle of the relationship. I've been urging people to "lay their kink cards on the table" early—before a huge emotional investment has been made—since 1994, the first year the expression "lay your kink cards on the table early" appeared in my column.

And here I am, more than twenty years later, scolding a closeted crossdresser and wannabe pissboy for failing to disclose his kinks early on to the woman he married:

But you held your two biggest kinks back from the new woman in your life, PUNT, and now you're sweating the reveal because the stakes are so high. This is precisely why I urge people to lay those kink cards on the table early. The longer you wait, the more emotionally invested you become in the relationship, the higher the stakes. Because what if your kinks aren't just things your second wife isn't interested in exploring, PUNT, but attraction-killers?

And here I am scolding a pantyhose fetishist with homoerotic fantasies for failing to disclose his kinks early on:

If you had followed my advice, BPG, your girlfriend would already know about your pantyhose/foot/cock fetishes. Your kinks aren't first-date conversation topics—no one's kinks are—but a woman has a right to know about kinks like yours, BPG, before she's invested two years in a relationship with you. Start the conversation like this, BPG: "Honey, I'm a much kinkier boy than I've led you to believe." Be upbeat, kink-positive, and unapologetic—well, unapologetic about your kinks. You should be somewhat apologetic about waiting two long years to lay all your kink cards on the table.

I'm actually on your side when it comes to disclosure, 1FOV. But I have disagree with you about kinksters being unhealthy. Active kinksters are emotionally healthier than vanilla types (and apparently a lot less bitter), says SCIENCE. More bad news for you: kinksters are actually in the majority.

So, hey, maybe it's you freakish vanilla types who should have to disclose early?

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