GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Oh she is not born like other girls, but I know how to conceive her. Oh she may not look like other girls, but she's a snarl tooth seether. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The Portland Bureau of Transportation has announced it's shutting down a lane of traffic on Naito Parkway (between SW Main and NW Davis) for bikes and pedestrians—AND for three months this summer!

Beloved traitor Denis C. Theriault has the story of Oregon House candidate Sharon Nasset and her denial that she has anything to do with a knockoff voters guide that slams House Speaker Tina Kotek—but the Secretary of State isn't convinced.

The beleaguered tech giant Intel is following up with their promises of layoffs, and will be giving pink slips to 784 of their Oregon employees.

Longtime Portland business, Gordon's Fireplace Shop, which has been around for 60 years will be closing its doors for good—which means you'll have to buy your fireplace supplies at... at... well, I suppose that's your problem.

A local Yelp reviewer published a "sarcastic" review of Portland's homeless people "to make a point"—that he's a fucking thoughtless asshole, maybe?

Speaking of thoughtless assholes, Trump won handily in last night's primary elections, and immediately turned his misogynist attacks on Hillary Clinton, saying...

“I think the only card she has is the woman’s card. She’s got nothing else going. And frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don’t think she’d get 5% of the vote. The only thing she’s got going is the woman’s card, and the beautiful thing is women don’t like her, OK?”

In other Super Tuesday news, Clinton takes Pennsylvania, Maryland, Connecticut and Delaware, while Bernie Sanders (who is now turning his attention to the super delegates) won Rhode Island.

For those keeping score at home, here's the current delegate count, courtesy of the New York Times:

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CALM DOWN, BERNIE BROS! The reason your Facebook groups temporarily disappeared on Monday wasn't because of Hillary supporters—it was actually a technical glitch. (Or so they say, amirite??)

A Maryland state senator is in a runoff election for mayor of Baltimore, after running on a platform of law enforcement reform following last year's murder of Freddie Grey by police.

A Michigan environmental official asked a technician to "bump out" a Flint water test that detected unusually high levels of lead.

A Pennsylvania appeals court has given the a-ok for the single sexual assault case against Bill Cosby to continue.

The people claiming that Led Zeppelin stole the song "Stairway to Heaven" say they will settle the lawsuit for $1 and writing credit. ONE DOLLAR.

Now let's peek at this WEATHER situation: Mostly cloudy with showery sprinkles today, and a high of 63.

And finally... from your favorite store in the mall, Hot Topic, here's the brand new STAR WARS FASHION COLLECTION! (I don't care if they cater to women, I'm wearing them anyway.)