Fiorina: Ive always been one step ahead of you jokers. Unfortunately, it is now clear that you are now standing at the end of a pier.
Fiorina: "I've always been one step ahead of you jokers. Unfortunately, it is now clear that you are now standing at the end of a pier." Juli Hansen / Shutterstock.com

Another brilliant business move from Carly Fiorina, as you have already heard by now: After withering away in the early days of the presidential race, she's merging her failed enterprise with Ted Cruz's.

In related news, John Boener just referred to Cruz as "Lucifer in the flesh," adding, "I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life."

Enjoy your new partnership, Carly! You definitely deserve each other! Sidenote to campaign staff: The last time Carly brought together two universally loathed companies, thousands of people lost their jobs, so maybe polish up your Linkedin over lunch?

During the announcement of their merger, Carly Fiorina broke into song, yes that's right SONG, about how she's happy to be able to spend more time with Cruz's daughters.

A couple observations here: Carly has surprisingly good pitch! Like, she really nails it. Also: she's singing to the tune of "You're Just in Love," the only popular song from the weird obscure Ethel Merman musical Call Me Madam. It's an Irving Berlin song about being driven mad by love, and there's something weirdly appropriate about injecting the theme of insanity into the campaign.


And hey, maybe now's a good time to reflect back on how a Ted Cruz Super PAC donated a half million dollars to Carly Fiorina's campaign back in 2015. The PAC was called "Keep the Promise I" and it was so weird that the Federal Election Commission was like "uh what was that all about?"

"We thought she had important things to say that weren't being heard," explained someone with Keep the Promise I, but added that "we are all in for Ted Cruz for President, as our current activities demonstrate, and will continue to support him and his message all the way to the White House."

But that's so weird, because the payout was in June of 2015, when Carly and Ted were rivals for the nomination. What's going on?

Donald Trump surrogate Roger Stone thinks he's cracked the case: it's got something to do with those women the National Enquirer says slept with Ted Cruz.

"And you have to wonder whether these women, one of whom worked for the Carly Fiorina campaign, and then shortly thereafter Ted Cruz pays Carly half a million dollars. Ted despises Carly, and Carly despises Ted. What is the $500,000 for? Can you say hush money?" Stone told the Enquirer.

So I guess if you believe this theory, Fiorina forced Cruz to name her as VP pick or else she'd have her former employee accuse him of having an affair? Or something? I mean, I guess that's possible, and it's a fun theory to throw around based on exactly zero evidence.

I think what's far more likely is that Cruz and Fiorina are two gross politicians who just want to do and say whatever they can to consolidate power and gobble down money, and they've found a mutual bond in their avarice. That's always a strong basis on which to build a partnership, so best of luck to the happy horrible couple.