This episode of Game of Thrones couldve used a lot more scene like this.
This episode could've used a lot more scene like this. HBO

What a rollercoaster Season Six of HBO’s Game of Thrones has been so far. And no, I don't mean it’s been it’s been an exciting, whooshing ride of nonstop excitement. No, I mean it’s presented us with a quite a few split-seconds of pure exhilaration, but it’s also given us A LOT of its lumbering plot-train slowly creaking up the ramp. Creak, creak, creak. Last night's episode contained a few terrific scenes but also had some unbelievably low points—not to mention some of the stupidest writing in the show’s history. When you combine a flashback/battle that provides hints of a main character’s true parentage with a goofy-ass fart joke, you get a rollercoaster indeed. Let’s get to it, spoilers and all!

• • •

Youre looking well, Jon Snow.
You're looking well, Jon Snow. HBO

At Castle Black, Jon Snow adjusts to Life 2.0. Needless to say, he’s very chilly, and only minutes after being resurrected, Tormund insults the size of his genitalia. Well, what d’you expect? Dude has been lying naked on a freezing slab for… hours? Days? I’m actually not sure how long he’s been there. But what’s almost as upsetting as the knock against Jon Snow's wee longclaw is the fact that he's learned that there is no afterlife. None whatsoever. (You hear that, Faith Militant?)

THE GOOD: Jon seems a little tetchy now that he’s been brought back to life. I think I like peevish Jon Snow more than brooding, emo Jon Snow.
THE BAD: No one seems very surprised by the fact that Jon Snow has been brought back from the dead. At least act A LITTLE surprised, guys. It’s only polite.

• • •

Now we’re on a boat with two characters I’d forgotten entirely about: Sam and Gilly. I thought their story had effectively ended, but hey, here we are. While these are two essentially likable characters/actors, Sam does seem to do an awful lot of mansplaining to poor, stupid Gilly. And there’s some really lazy TV writing here, in which cheesy heartfelt moments are punctuated by unfunny puke jokes. Rrrrralph!
THE GOOD: Oh nice—are we going to get to see Oldtown? The most beautiful city in the Seven Kingdoms? While the scope of the show should be tightening as it arrives at its conclusion, I think introducing a few more locations in this enormous place is an excellent idea. We’ve spent a lot of time at three or four specific settings and, while it might not seem like it, we actually haven’t seen that much of Westeros or Essos outside of a few key cities.
THE BAD: Oh. Nope. We’re not going to Old Town. At least, not yet. Horn Hill, here we come! If it is anything less than a hill made out of actual horns, I’m going to be disappointed.

• • •

Stop calling him Bloodraven, book nerds. No one knows what youre talking about.
Stop calling him Bloodraven, book nerds. No one knows what you're talking about. HBO

And here’s another new location, so it’s not really clear where we are. Oh, but there’s Bran and Max von Sydow, so at least we know when we are. And who’s this strapping young lad? It’s Young Ned Stark, and he’s accompanied by, I guess, Bran’s friend’s dad? Uh, who? Does it matter? No, because Swords! Fighting! Six against two, and then four against one! And then—you saw this coming—it’s down to Double Sword Dude vs. Young Ned. Apparently this is important because the story Bran had been told is very slightly different from what actually happened, but I couldn’t tell you how. This whole sequence feels like it’s been given short shrift, something the script actually acknowledges when Bran complains about leaving too soon.
THE GOOD: Even taking the pretty great swordfight out of the equation, this was by far the most vital-seeming sequence in the whole episode. Connections are being drawn to earlier parts of the story, and these threads actually feel like they're going somewhere.
THE BAD: But yeah, we leave too soon. That’s Ned’s sister Lyanna screaming in the tower, obviously, but is she screaming because she’s being tortured, or because she’s giving birth to… Jon Snow? This whole part was fascinating but needlessly confusing—I’d like see Bran’s story and these obviously important flashbacks being given more room in favor of some of the significantly less interesting parts (more on those in a sec). The story would seem less garbled that way, too.

• • •

Welcome home, Dani.
Welcome home, Dani. HBO

In Vaes Dothrak, Daenerys settles in to her new home at the temple with the Dosh Khaleen. Not much to comment on here, except it’s this episode's second scene in a row in which an old tells a young that there’s much they need to learn. Listen up, whippersnappers!
THE GOOD: How on earth did they erect those giant horses? The show runners (or George R.R. Martin, I guess) seem to have a real thing about colossuses, as there’s one in Braavos, too.
THE BAD: Are these old ladies gonna tamp down Dani’s fiery temper? Is she going to stay put, while Jon Snow takes on the white walkers (and the Iron Throne) and Tyrion takes her dragons out for a spin on the battlefield? I don’t see much potential excitement in this plotline unless Daenerys gets the hell out of Dodge.

• • •

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, GAME OF THRONES??!?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, GAME OF THRONES??!? HBO

The episode hits rock bottom in Meereen, where Varys talks to some woman who killed some guy in some past episode in order to find out who’s funding the Sons of the Harpy’s rebellion. This isn’t completely awful, but the next scene is: a pointless, stupid, unfunny, way too long conversation in which Tyrion, Grey Worm, and Missandei literally talk about how there is nothing to talk about. What the fuck, script writers? You have literally 100 interesting plotlines to work with, and you burn up screen time with this garbage? You are actually making me hate Tyrion, which seemed impossible until now.
THE GOOD: There was nothing good about this part. Jeers to you, Meereen part of the show.
THE BAD: I'm still angry. Seriously, nothing to talk about? You dipshits. Didn’t Tyrion just free two gigantic flame-breathing dragons in the last episode? TALK ABOUT THAT. Idiots.

• • •

When you play the game of thrones, whoever smelt it dealt it.
When you play the game of thrones, whoever smelt it dealt it. HBO

In King’s Landing, we watch some more plot-tile being laid. It’s unfortunately slow, and perhaps seems even more so after that godawful Meereen section. The not-at-all-creepy Qyburn gives candy to children in exchange for information; the small council meeting is interrupted by some unwelcome guests (not to mention odors!); and the High Sparrow and Tommen start seeing eye to eye.
THE GOOD: Tommen seems receptive to the High Sparrow’s nonsense, as did his queen languishing in the dungeon in Episode One. I think these two royals are going to fall prey to the religious zealots (who, by the way, are wrong about everything, as Jon Snow’s visit to the non-afterlife proves), while Cersei is determined to take them down. It should be interesting to watch. Also good: The promise of a trial by combat! Hurry up to this, please.
THE BAD: The only thing worse than Pycelle’s lame “he’s behind me right now, isn’t he?” joke at the Small Council meeting was the fart joke that immediately followed. This is bad script writing, fellow Game of Thrones watchers. If you laughed, hang your head in shame.

• • •

She was blind but now she can see! Because whatever the fuck.
She was blind but now she can see! Because whatever the fuck. HBO

At the House of Black and White (anyone else notice the opening credits showed Pyke but not Braavos? oops!), we get a pretty bad and entirely nonsensical training montage. This is a shame, because it could have been so great. The Faceless Men posses magic but we don’t know the limits or powers of it, so basically the writers can change the rules of this world as they see fit. And what does happen seems entirely arbitrary. All of a sudden, blind Arya can fight back, and she sniffs a bunch of powders for some reason (learning how to make poisons, I think?), and without explanation she passes a crucial test and regains her vision. I have no idea how or why or what is happening here.
THE GOOD: I guess it’s good that the training sequences are over. They really botched this part, though. It could have been so much better.
THE BAD: Uh, why did Arya all of a sudden get her eyes back? What did she do differently this time around? What test did she pass? I feel like integral parts of this plot have been thrown overboard and we're drifting without a sail.

• • •

A gift for you, Lord Ramsey. Hope you like the return of marginal characters!
"A gift for you, Lord Ramsey. Hope you like the return of marginal characters!" HBO

At Winterfell, we are introduced to the charming Lord Umber, who comes bearing gifts for the brand-new Lord Bolton. Umber is so much more interesting and cunning and cool than Ramsey. I hope we see a lot more of him. I also like how he recognizes that words of fealty and allegiance are just that—worthless words that really don’t mean anything. If there’s a central thesis that I’ve been able to pull out of Game of Thrones, it’s this: Words are just words. People invest a lot of power in them, and connect them to abstract ideas of honor and hierarchy and duty. But over and again, the show seems to be suggesting that words are, in fact, empty constructs that contain no intrinsic meaning or power other than what people ascribe to them. Westeros is a society where people place entirely too much value on these important-seeming words and utterances, and those who live by this inclination are doomed to suffer.
THE GOOD: Goddamn, Umber is a cool cucumber. I hope he becomes a central figure in this otherwise irritating Ramsey plotline.
THE BAD: Oh no, RIP Shaggydog! How many direwolves are left now, three? Wait… unless it’s a ploy. Maybe somehow Umber constructed a fake wolf head, and he's in secret allegiance with Rickon and Osha, and they’re going to turn the tables on shitty evil Ramsey. Hope, hope.

• • •

Hey guys! Im not dead. Crazy, right?
"Hey guys! Turns out I'm not dead. I know, crazy, right?" HBO

We return to Castle Black in time for the group execution of Jon Snow’s betrayers. Alliser Thorne has a few last words, and Ollie looks, well, not repentant, but at least unhappy. Bye, jerks.
THE GOOD: Where’s Jon Snow going? I have zero prediction for this, which is good for a show that's it’s starting to feel like certain plot developments are inevitable. Is he going north? South? He’s done with the Night’s Watch, that’s for sure.
THE BAD: Thorne seemed happy to die. Maybe he should have been spared. That would have been a better punishment. And yeah, they’d better burn those bodies. Why do I get the feeling we’re going to see Ollie again, with a brand new pair of icy blues?

• • •

FINAL SUMMATION: Ugh, this episode was incredibly uneven. Some great parts (Young Ned Stark, Lord Umber) sat alongside possibly the single worst scene in the show’s history (Tyrion yukking it up with the two dullards). I have a feeling the Essos plots are going to languish into boringness as things continue to ramp up for Bran and Jon Snow. Even SNL commented on how the show seems to be moving way too slowly. We’ve only got seven more episodes left this season, Game of Thrones! Let’s make 'em count.