I am a vanilla soccer mom in the suburbs, very happily married with two kids and a gaggle of pets. Super, duper vanilla. I know there's other flavors out there and I respect all flavors, I just prefer my vanilla. My next door neighbors are an early retired straight couple, perhaps late 50s/early 60s, a little chunky, looking like they just walked out of Walmart (not that there's anything wrong with that), and appeared to be pretty vanilla too—but we only know them superficially from gardening, chatting over the fence, mostly about our cats, etc. We all kind of kept to ourselves.

A few weeks ago we started hearing these noises at night, between 11pm and 5am. Originally we thought it was the other neighbors, a very fun and flamboyant older male couple who would love to invite y'all over for wine, dinner, and a look at their sex...

Vivamus dui velit, vehicula non sodales a, aliquet sit amet orci. In lorem nulla, porttitor a nibh ac, auctor sodales libero. Phasellus sit amet consectetur urna, sed congue neque. Mauris a commodo arcu, sed commodo libero. Nam vel orci sapien. Pellentesque ac magna hendrerit, efficitur purus dapibus, facilisis est. Maecenas tortor ante, lacinia eget ante vitae, aliquet interdum tortor. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi quis bibendum arcu.
...

I am a vanilla soccer mom in the suburbs, very happily married with two kids and a gaggle of pets. Super, duper vanilla. I know there's other flavors out there and I respect all flavors, I just prefer my vanilla. My next door neighbors are an early retired straight couple, perhaps late 50s/early 60s, a little chunky, looking like they just walked out of Walmart (not that there's anything wrong with that), and appeared to be pretty vanilla too—but we only know them superficially from gardening, chatting over the fence, mostly about our cats, etc. We all kind of kept to ourselves.

A few weeks ago we started hearing these noises at night, between 11pm and 5am. Originally we thought it was the other neighbors, a very fun and flamboyant older male couple who would love to invite y'all over for wine, dinner, and a look at their sex room. But the voices weren't right and in all the years we've lived here we've never once heard the boys going at it.

Holy Mother of God it sounds like a rhinoceros is being violated by all of Noah's Ark with a Moose dominatrix running the show—and the noises no longer sound pleasurable. And we haven't seen her in weeks. We still see him doing gardening and all we can wonder is, "Is she okay?"

I am not a nosy neighbor. But Holy Fuckwads, Batman, we can hear them with the windows closed and over the sirens and the teenagers smoking pot and the regular dulcet tones of our relatively (for the suburbs) busy street. My husband is worried that they have a sex slave being held against their will. I don't know what think. I'm now afraid to pee at night because the sounds are loudest in our bathroom.

Noah's Vanilla Neighbor

Hm.

Normally I would advise someone in your position to do three things: mind your own damn business, assume your neighbors caught an intense new groove and are happily and consensually exploring varsity-level kinks; put on headphones and blast some music when you need to pee in the middle of the night. But the fact that you're hearing strange new noises from next door (not necessarily a problem) coupled with the fact that these noises don't sound exactly pleasurable (pleasure is subjective so, again, not necessarily a problem) and throupled with the fact that half of this couple seems to have disappeared... well, that triad tips me out of the mind-your-own-business camp and into the do-some-meddling camp.

Your first move: The next time you see the male half of this couple gardening in the yard, NVN, ask after his female partner. "Hey, we haven't seen Marge in a while." Maybe Marge is laid up with a non-sex-related injury and the noises you're hearing in the middle of the night are, I don't know, the sounds Marge makes when her moonlighting physical therapist drops by. See what your neighbor has to say, gauge how truthful you think he's being, and if you sense that he's lying or up to something...

Call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on your missing neighbor:

What is a Welfare Check?

Friends, family and neighbors are important social contacts. They may regularly check in with loved ones to see how they're doing. When a loved one fails to respond, the police can be called in to conduct a welfare check.... No court order is required for the police to conduct a welfare check. Essentially, as long as they have reasonable grounds to believe that an inhabitant in a residence in endangered, they can legally enter the premises.

Your missing neighbor isn't a loved one, NVN, but if you're really and truly concerned for her well-being after speaking to her partner, ask the cops to drop by and check in on her. Because sometimes freaky and non-consensual shit is going on right next door.

Vivamus dui velit, vehicula non sodales a, aliquet sit amet orci. In lorem nulla, porttitor a nibh ac, auctor sodales libero. Phasellus sit amet consectetur urna, sed congue neque. Mauris a commodo arcu, sed commodo libero. Nam vel orci sapien. Pellentesque ac magna hendrerit, efficitur purus dapibus, facilisis est. Maecenas tortor ante, lacinia eget ante vitae, aliquet interdum tortor. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi quis bibendum arcu.