Originally posted on October 15, 2014.
Four years ago, I met a man on a "married but looking" website. We exchanged fantasies, which included wanting to have threesomes and a D/s relationship. He was 19 years my senior. I was 42 at the time. For three years, we met twice a week for drinks or sex. The sex was amazing. We had several threesomes. One year ago, we separated from our spouses. We have lived together now for four months. It isn't what I imagined: the merging of kids and dogs, a D/s relationship turning vanilla. And due to some health issues, he can perform only once a week. And now the real problem: His desire to bring another woman into our relationship borders on obsession. He searches daily on several websites for that "elusive woman" to become "our friend and lover." I have access to the accounts, and...
Just Wants To Be Monogamous
My response after the jump...
Ask yourself which conversation will be more difficult:
A. After a frustrating and protracted search, your boyfriend finally manages to find a woman who's interested in being your "friend and lover," JWTBM. At that point, you tell him you're no longer interested in a third, regular or otherwise, and he needn't have bothered.
B. You tell your boyfriend todayânowâthat you're not interested in bringing a third into the relationship, regular or otherwise.
It's the same conversation either way, JWTBM: You're gonna have to tell him you're not interested. Don't count on him dying before he manages to find someone; he may be too old for the women on the websites he's haunting now, but sooner or later, either he'll find his way to a website where his age isn't an issue, or a bi woman into older men will stumble over one of the ads he already has up. So you're going to have to tell him the truth, JWTBM, the only question is when.
I would argue that having the conversation now would be preferable to having it after he's set up a date for drinks with a potential third. He may be disappointed to learn that you're not interested in a third anymore, JWTBM, but he's less likely to be breakup-level angry/hurt if you didn't stand there silently while he wasted time searching for a third.
And who knows? An honest and open conversation about the state of your relationshipâincluding the fact that you're dissatisfied with the once-a-week routine and the waning of D/sâmay ignite an interest in a third. Would you feel differently about a third if it turned out she wasn't for him (so nothing to be jealous about), JWTBM, but for you? He's getting older, he has health issues, and he may want someone else around so that you won't leave him to get your needs met. It's also possible that a third would reignite the D/s dynamics that you miss. D/s is performance, it's play, and nothing invigorates a pair of performers quite like a new audience.
I'm not telling you that you have to agree to the thirdâif it's monogamy you want, then it's monogamy you should ask forâbut keep your mind, your options, and those lines of communication all open.