I have a troubled relationship with my mum but I try to make it work most of the time. She's not very nice to me and will make hurtful comments without even knowing they're hurtful. I've talked to her about it but she refuses to acknowledge that her words and actions are hurtful, let alone change her behaviour. What's worse is that she treats my partner of 8 years in a similar way. My partner feels pretty uncomfortable when she's around. It's not just us, my brother's wife has recently decided after 20 years that she doesn't want to be around her anymore and she no longer attends family gatherings.

I think mum has some mental health issues but she'd never acknowledge this or get help. Her mental health is the way it is largely due to a series of traumatic events - three of my siblings died (not one...

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...event, years apart) and my dad died young at 48. He was an abusive alcoholic. So mum's been through a lot. It's no excuse for her behaviour but it helps to understand the way she is the way she is. I've tried to get her to see a psychologist but she refuses.

This is all background to my current dilemma.

I'm currently living in Europe on an overseas work posting with my partner and three kids. We're in our final 6 months of the posting and we're planning a white Christmas ski holiday before we return to the Southern hemisphere. My sister-in-law (not the one discussed earlier) and her two children are going to join us, which we're excited about. The problem is that mum wants to come as well. My partner's feeling nervous already at the thought of her coming and I'm feeling nervous because my partner is nervous. It's already causing conflict between us. On the one hand I love the idea of having a big ole white Christmas together including mum, but on the other hand she's bound to behave in a way that's hurtful to my partner and me, even if she's on her best behaviour.

When faced with a dilemma my partner often says, 'What would Dan Savage do?' As I feel really torn with trying to make a decision about whether to say yes to mum, I thought I'd ask you for real. So, over to you.

And thanks in advance.

Children Will Listen

Dan Savage would get his siblings on the phone and propose a plan: holiday hosting duties for mum on an annual rotation. Each sibling takes a year/one for the team, the other siblings get a break, the kids get to enjoy a majority of their Christmases until mum finally croaks. Since there are at least three surviving siblings in your family, CWL, you would get to enjoy two-thirds of your Christmases—if you can get your siblings on board.

As for this year, you'll either have to tell mum she can't come—no room? no patience?—or you'll have to put up with her shit. Train yourself to tune out her hurtful comments, refuse to be drawn into conversations on topics that allow mum to get her digs in, and practice aggressively changing the subject, CWL, so that if and when mum starts in on your housekeeping/parenting/cooking/whatever, you'll be prepared.

Make sure there's plenty of wine and pot in the house—and dropping by this handy website can help keep your current familial conflicts in perspective while also making you feel optimistic for the future.

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