HOLY CRAP WE WON
The Portland Thorns beat the Seattle Reign 1-0 on Saturday night! Over 19 thousand fans packed into Providence Park to watch and sing and jeer and taunt and yell and revile in another win over our rivals. SORRY NOT SORRY SEATTLE

MY FLABBER HAS NEVER BEEN SO GASTED
The Thorns lost their last two games and have notably been missing the majority of their all star starters due to a heap of USWNT friendly matches and the filthy Rio Olympics. Seattle had just crushed Orlando with a 5-2 win in Seattle. They were missing two players due to the Olympics, one of which—Megan Rapino, has not really played this season due to injury. Clearly, the Reign showed up to Portland with an advantage as I showed up to the stadium slightly sunstroke with two IPAs in the tank and an attitude that can only be described as Hangry.
LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING

SO WHAT- If I showed up thinking the Thorns would lose? THEY WON
SO WHAT- If I ate my my weight in baked ziti and roasted Italian vegetables? THE ACCOMMODATIONS IN THE PRESS BOX ARE OUTSTANDING

FROM THE GET GO
The Thorns not only started the game more collected than I anticipated, but they came out with an accelerated stride and some fresh confidence. TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT IN THE FIRST 10 MINUTES! Seattle tallied four shots to Portland’s one shot in the first half. It was both a relief and also riveting to watch the Thorns remain in control and organized—especially on defense. The fight and hustle was still there this game, but the erratic, emotional play seemed more contained.

Don’t get me wrong, this match was exciting and close all the way down to the wire. In my uneasiness, I had successfully eaten all of my chapstick off several times and bit my nails so much, some may have considered it a second dinner. HOLLOW LEG FOR FINGERNAILS

It was increasingly obvious that this second and third string mashup that Coach Parsons had put together was finally clicking on the field—and Thorns fans were loving it.

All 19,231 of them. HOLY SOCCER FANS BATMAN

SO MUCH DRAMA!
SO MUCH DRAMA! Photo Courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

The second half was not unlike the first in tempo and commitment. Throughout the entire game, Portland midfielders Mana Shim and Hayley Raso kept moving balls up field for lone Forward Nadia Nadim. Even with so many missed opportunities, the group appeared to be in stride the entire game and we all hoped it was just a matter of time and fortuity. And wouldn’t you know our hopes and dreams came true in the 73rd minute. Shim’s pass found Nadiem at the top of the box and after a touch or two she finally landed a shot. After the game, Mana Shim said this about her assist:

“We knew that we were going to get a couple of opportunities, and Nadia and I didn’t have a great connection tonight. The whole first half we kept missing each other, and she would put her thumb up, I would put my thumb up. ‘Sorry, I missed it.’ She missed it. She was offside. And it takes just one.”

And that one was all we needed... well, that one and the multiple saves by Real American Hero Michelle Betos.

I’M COVERED IN GOOSEBUMPS AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT
Please, if you can, take time out of your busy schedule to watch the highlights of this game here If you are like me, after watching those highlights, you need no additional proof that Michelle Betos can fly, see the future, defy gravity, and completely control a defense whilst flitting and waving giant gloved hands. I am constantly in awe of this woman’s athleticism.

On the left is what control looked like in 1986. On the right is what control looks like in 2016
On the left is what control looked like in 1986. On the right is what control looks like in 2016 Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia and Portland Thorns FC
Her bold choices drop kick me every game. Such as, the one in the 58th minute when she came off her line to deny Seattle’s forward a breakaway scoring opportunity. BETOS IS THE BOSS

FILTHY OLYMPIC BREAK
This was the Thorn’s last game before a league wide break for the Hot Mess Olympics. HIGH KICKING LUCKY TROLL DOLLS! I will be watching the USWNT games and I’ll do my best to blog about the goings on in Rio.

The Thorns play again on August 27th in Seattle. If things go as well as I hope and dream, we will have several Olympic champions back on the field.

I PROMISE NOT TO DOUBT THE THORNS AGAIN

Follow me on twitter! @erinjeanius
If you think this is funny, you should check out The Stumptown Improv Festival August 4-6