...recently come down with rather bad depression based off of his grandparents dying (natural causes), and having a job where he is treated like shit. He's ended up off sick with stress for the last three months, seeing a doctor (not a counsellor as yet though). He's admitted to feeling like a failure and that everyone would be better off without him (to point of thinking how to achieve this), and he's had bad events in his past that these are coupled in with (ten year old him being forced to do things no ten year old should).

We live close by my family, and he's close to them and has gotten to know my friends, and whilst not all know extent of his issues they are all supporting him and making a fuss whilst I have been pushed to the side somewhat. I am fine with that, I have also been making him a priority to try to help him along, doing whatever he needs to be feeling better. It's been tough some days as he can be in a bad mood and snappy with me for seemingly no reason. Also bedroom activities have pretty much died off, we each had a few body issues relating to shyness but as he has been like this he has understandably had other focuses.

A number of months ago, I sent a FB message to a costume maker appreciating their work. Nothing dodgy, just liked their outfits they do (outfits are legit, nothing fetish-y or anything such as that). I didn't expect a reply or anything as this guy goes around the world based off his work. He replied. We struck up a friendship, and have been talking. A lot. Didn't expect this really, to talk about all manner of things and have so much in common. It started as just a very nice thing for me to have someone I can relax, be me without them asking me about the boyfriend and asking about that. I did tell this guy I had a boyfriend, and was always upfront, never tried to hide this.

We have gotten a lot closer, to point of some flirting, light cybersex and photo exchange. Not really innocent, but not so damning, in no photo has junk/ass been shown bare, only underwear shots. I do know this is not really appropriate when in a relationship though. I also enjoy it a lot, the attention and the person it is with. The boyfriend has become paranoid about how close we are. One day whilst I was at work he went on my iPad (turns out he knew my passcode) and read some of the messages and was understandably pretty hurt by it all. He did break my trust by doing this, pretty much the only privacy we have from each other are our electronic devices, and he goes crazy if I even see a text over his shoulder. I explained my reasoning of feeling a bit ignored and it was a release, which is true, but I do also really like this guy. Well, I think I do. He is someone I haven't met, just message a lot and Skype with. I have plans to see him next month, but these plans were made before the flirting etc. started.

I am now somewhat confused as to where I want to be. I really do quite like the costume maker, but I don't know if it is just a case of thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I don't want to throw away five years with my boyfriend though either. I kind of want to wait it out, meet the costume maker and see how I feel in person with him. This seems unfair on the pair of them though. The costume maker does know of my boyfriend but we never really mention him, and my boyfriend think it is just a friendship that got a bit out of hand. I am frustrated with my boyfriend, and this situation, but do hope it will pass. I want to work at it so it will pass, but he seems content to be at home and not work, he doesn't seem to do much to help himself, just gaming or reading through the day. But I have never had depression so do not know what it is like and wouldn't want to pressure him. I do love my boyfriend, but do feel like we have drifted, and someone coming along who I get along with and I find so much in tune with myself and fine so good looking does not help. I am struggling with knowing if the feeling for him are part just my frustration with the boyfriend though.

I've always been the sensible and supporting one in the relationship, I am the more serious and sort out money and all the grown up stuff. My boyfriend is not the best when it comes to memory or being practical. Often feel I have to think for pair of us. He has always been somewhat moody and can get angry over smallest thing, and if I bite back he gets upset. I know this paints him badly, but he has his good sides too. Plus with recent revelations it gives some excuses for his behaviour.

OK, so, hopefully can see where I am, and can maybe offer a word or two of advice, if you got this far? As I asked, please do not put this letter anywhere, if you cannot answer, just delete it. Sorry, think to the end I got rambling.

Thanks

Liam

I’m not sure if I can really make this short, but I’ll try. I’ve been in a two-and-a-half year relationship with someone with BPD. Initially, it didn’t play a major role in our relationship as they had developed some pretty good coping mechanisms that helped them function. Things really turned sour when we moved in together last year. They became very cold toward me and became very severe in general. They started to see things in black and white more frequently and would say really negative and terrible things about me, the world, my family. I found out after snooping that they no longer loved me and if anything found me harmful for them. They became secretive about friendships and what they were doing, as well as some drug use.

Still, we stayed together because this person is my first love. Things did improve some, but I was accepted into a graduate school overseas. They then revealed quite a lot to me about being agender and not being sure about who they were as a person. I’m really struggling right now and when I took some time to respond, they asked for a break. Since then, they’ve been messaging me every day asking if we can get back together. I’m so stressed out and I’m not sure what to do. I feel bad for validating their abandonment fears and making them feel unloved. Please help,

Potentially Devastated

Same goes for you, PD: You can’t stay with someone for the rest of your life—someone who makes you miserable—just to avoid validating their abandonment fears. Give a heads up to their family and close friends, let their family and close friends know they're going to need their support, then tell them it’s over.