I'm a 51-year-old male, married to an amazing lady for over twenty years. Our sex life is great and I love her more than words can express. She's been bi-curious for years and we are discreetly looking for the elusive single female to join us, the ultimate straight guy fantasy as I'd get to watch my wife with another woman and also get to enjoy the new partner as well. We met one person for a drink but she didn't do it for us. I have no doubt we'll one day find our elusive unicorn and have a blast. So far so good.

My reason for writing is that I've finally admitted to myself that I'm bi-curious too.

I'm especially turned on by the idea of joining a male/female couple, especially a married couple, where the other male is also bi.

I saw an ad a few days ago that got me hard almost immediately—a married couple in my area, in my age range, nice photos of middle aged bodies, and they sound like a lot of fun. They're twenty minutes away from our place. I have non-sexual interests that my wife's not into, so I could make time to have fun with this couple and my wife would never know. On the flip side, there's a part of me that thinks I should show her this ad to see if she's okay me answering it or others like it. The problem is that if she says no to my desire, then how can I ever indulge this part of me?

This is really tough as there has never been anything I was afraid to discuss with my wife until now. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Reliable Husband's Existential Torment Time

P.S. If you can sign me "Rhett," she'll know I'm the writer when I show her your response.

Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health released the results of a study on closeted bisexual men earlier this summer. Researchers asked closeted bi men why they're afraid to come out to their female partners about their sexual orientations. Zachary Zane summarized the results in a post at Bi.org:

[Dr. Eric Schrimshaw] found that many men aren’t “confused” about their (bi)sexuality. That’s not the reason for their non-disclosure to their female partners. They know they are attracted to both men and women; however, they aren’t open about their (bi)sexuality because they fear stigma, ridicule, and being outed to others. They also fear judgement and being left by their female partners because of their previous same-sex sexual actions. The study is groundbreaking and influential for a couple of reasons. It is contrary to the popular belief that bisexual men aren’t coming out because they are unsure of their identity.... The fear of ostracization, of excommunication from a religious community, and of having your wife or girlfriend leave you because of your past sexual encounters with men all work to keep bisexual men in the closet.

Double standards are definitely in play when it comes to bisexuality over in Opposite-Sex Land. While most men are only too happy to date bi women, most women are wary about dating bi guys. While female bisexuality is welcome and celebrated in public sex spaces that cater to opposite-sex couples (swingers clubs, parties, conventions, etc.), male bisexuality is unwelcome and stigmatized. And while bisexual-but-heteroamorous women (women like your wife, RHETT) rarely view their own bisexuality as evidence of secret/latent/metastasizing lesbianism, many view male bisexuality as evidence of secret/latent/metastasizing homosexuality. (I have two letters in my inbox from bi guys who were dumped when they came out to their bi girlfriends. Also: there are double standards around bisexuality over in Same-Sex Land too, but they're not relevant to your question, RHETT.)

So, yeah, you're right to be nervous about coming out to your bisexual wife as bisexual yourself—just as so many other bisexual men are nervous about coming out to their female partners—but I gotta admire how you've already committed yourself to coming out to her as bi, RHETT, which she'll learn when she reads this letter. I also admire the fact that you'll be coming out to your wife about just how important having a same-sex experience is to you. It's so important... you've already contemplated cheating on your wife in order to have it, something else she'll learn when you show her your letter. ("I could make time to have fun with this couple and my wife would never know.") You didn't cheat on her, and that's good, but you were tempted—and that's how bad you want this.

Hopefully your bisexual desire/identity/curiosity won't be a problem for your wife—hopefully she's not a hypocrite who views her own bisexuality one way (exciting!) and her male partner's bisexuality another (distressing!), and hopefully she'll sign off on you playing with that other couple. I would suggest playing with that other couple together, RHETT. If the other woman is also bisexual, and if everyone is attracted to each other, you and the wife could have your first bisexual encounters at the same time, in the same bed, with the same couple.