KA-BLOOEY! The Portland Thorns did it again with a 3-0 win against the Houston Dash on a beautiful Wednesday evening at Providence Park!
TIME FOR SOME BENATAR SHIMMIES !

Was it an easy win? "NOTHING IS EASY NOR SHOULD IT BE" - Winston Churchill
Did it count for something? YES, THIS IS SPORTS, NOT LEISURE.
Was it a good game? YES, DUH. ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS- IT’S A SCHOOL NIGHT!

THE SHORT/LONG/GAME OF IT
Outside of a couple breakthroughs and a shot or two on goal for both teams, the first 20 or so minutes were calculated and tit for tat. STOP LAUGHING, IT’S AN EXPRESSION Finally, in the 25th minute Tobin Heath kicked a perfect ball into the center of the box for Ali Long to head into the goal. You have got to see how perfectly she lifted, and turned it toward the goal! She totally NAILED that awkward bounce that befuddles goalies. LIKE MY AWKWARD BOUNCE ON THE DANCE FLOOR THAT KEEPS HEADS TURNIN’ LIKE WHAAA????

The Thorns went to halftime with only one point. Sure, one would win it, but everyone wanted “Oprah Points” (See my recap for the previous game with the gif of Oprah, I think it’s worth mentioning. Sorry if you disagree.) The second half was a fight nearly against ourselves. ALL OF THE THORNS wanted to score. And even though they were asked by our Yosemite Sam mud flaps, Houston would just not BACK OFF

After some patience and several tries, Heath found Ali Long with a cross for a second goal. HEATH + LONG= HASHTAG BLESSED
And in the last minutes of the game, Christine Sinclair was in the right spot at the right time and bounced the ball into the goal. Of all the tries and denies that she experienced throughout the evening, the most unassuming ball worked for a point.

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
The Houston Dash? Houston had so many lovely name options. I will never—EVER EVER—understand why they did not utilize the name “The Whitney Houstons.” And FOR CRYING OUT LOUD Beyonce is from Houston. They could have been the “Queen Bey’s” or the Goddamn “Houston Sasha Fierceses” But the Dash?
Why not go with the Houston “Asterisks” or the Houston “Lowery’s Seasoning Salt?”

ALL LOVE, NO HATE
Things I loves about the game on Wednesday-
1. YOU MUST FEED—Tobin Heath’s palpable, blood thirsty NEED for a goal. She had some chances, did a couple of mix-em-ups and her regular handfuls of fancy footery around Houston’s Dashies. She even set Ali Long up for two beautiful goals—but like a crazed 80’s vampire that can’t find the right blood, Tobin Heath-er Sutherland couldn’t kick one in for a point. I can’t wait to see her fight again on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

2. NO POINTS NEEDED—Early in the game, without one point on the board, the Thorns secured a playoff spot Wednesday on account of Seattle’s loss to the #1 ranked Washington Spirit. WHY DO I LIKE POINTING OUT SEATTLE’S LOSS AND PORTLAND’S WIN SO MUCH?
3. LADY IN WHITE—The Thorns played in their white uniforms. Because who cares if it is after Labor Day? WE LOOK GOOD IN WHITE MMMM KAAAAAYYYYY???? (Three snapping sounds in succession)
4. ARE YOU BEING KIDNAPPED?—I’ve learned to love the completely random blood curdling screams of 10-year-old soccer teams in the stands. Ear piercing screams—FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Are they auditioning for extras in a remake of Nosferatu? OMG did someone barf in Everly’s french braid? I don’t know. But it is horrifying and I am really getting into it.

LOVE ME TWO TIMES
The Thorns have two more regular season matches. One on Sunday, Sept 11 here in Portland. And our final match is on September 25 against Sky Blue FC in New Jersey. We need all the energy, Thorn’s fanatics and face tattoos we can get. Please, do what you can. Start by coming to Sunday’s game or watch it on FOX Sports 1.