Originally posted on October 22, 2014.

I'm a twentysomething married trans guy in an openish marriage. In the online hunt for a guy to have some aboveboard, under-the-sheets fun with, I run into snags because I'm trans (I disclose on my profile) and because I'm married. I'm baby-stepping my way toward an offline search for guys, going to events hosted by the local gay pride center. I've been thinking of not wearing my wedding ring at these meet-ups, as I worry it says I'm taken and off-limits. Would it be dishonest for me to present as unmarried as long as I make it clear that I'm not looking for romance?

Totally On-Limits Dude

My response after the jump...

My response is likely to wind up on antigay websites, TOLD, so let me preface it with this: We only started hearing that monogamy wasn't just the cultural expectation/default setting for married couples but a crucial, essential, definitional element of marriage when same-sex couples began to press for marriage rights. Married heterosexual swingers were fucking around (and recruiting other married heterosexuals into their "lifestyle," a term swingers embrace!) decades before the marriage-equality movement got off the ground. And religious conservatives, while not fans of swinging, never argued that nonmonogamous heterosexual couples weren't really married or that they should be barred from marrying. So it seems that monogamy—like children and religion—only defines marriage when same-sex couples want to marry.

Anyway, TOLD, you don't have to be married to be monogamous or monogamous to be married—and most gay male couples, married or not, aren't monogamous. So go ahead and wear your wedding ring. While a wedding ring on a straight married man (or woman) will be assumed to mean "taken and off-limits," the same assumption doesn't apply in the case of a married gay man. If someone at one of the events you're attending is interested in you, he's likely to flirt with you first and make polite inquiries about your marriage (monogamous? Monogamish? Open? Poly?) second. Your trans disclosure is likelier to be the bigger deal—and a far bigger obstacle for most (but not all) gay men—than your wedding ring. Good luck.