First things first: People who own tigers are DUMB, and... wait. Did you watch last night's episode of The Walking Dead? If not, GO 'WAY. If so, then check out my spoiler-filled analysis of the show after the jump, and then let's chitty-chat about it! RrrrOWWWrrrr!
Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode: "The Well."
1) Let's take a slight break from Negan knocking Glenn's eyeball out with a quick trip to the Renaissance Faire! Good morrow, ladies and gentles! Dost thou care for a cup of mead? UGH. After Carol was injured and then rescued by Morgan and some horse-back riding hotties at the end of last season, she wakes up to find herself in the Kingdom—and probably wishes she was brained in the noggin by Negan. Morgan, who has been helping out around the blissful commune, takes Carol to meet King Ezekiel—yet neglects to mention he owns a FUCKING TIGER? Way to bury the lede, Morgan!
2) King Ezekiel welcomes Carol by spouting off a lot of Shakespearian-Renaissance Faire lingo, and like the rest of us, Carol can barely contain her mirth. Realizing they've confiscated her guns, Carol slips on her "politeness sweater" and goes into her golly-gee-whiz-what-a-magnificent-(and superfluous)-tiger-you-have-there act. The second they get out of earshot, Carol whips her sweater off and rightly calls BULLSHIT on Ezekiel, the superfluous tiger, and the Kingdom's drones who sing a capella versions of Bob Dylan instead of tunes by N*SYNC. GODDAMMIT WHO WOULD WANT TO LIVE HERE?!?
3) While Carol and her sweater plan their escape, Morgan—who is immediately trusted by the Kingdom hierarchy for reasons unknown—is taken on a pig hunt where he learns the hogs are being fed rotting zombie meat (just like you'd find in Jimmy Dean Sausage Patties [just kidding, don't sue us]). They also have fun murdering some walkers—except for one young pantywaist named Ben who is completely useless when it comes to manly art of decapitation. Ezekiel later asks Morgan to train the young Jedi in the way of the stick—WHICH I STILL CONTEND IS A STUPID WEAPON SINCE IT'S NOT SHARPENED INTO A POINT!!! (Why am I screaming? You're not reading this anyway!)
4) Then Ezekiel and his gang of lacrosse equipment-wearing knights deliver some zombie-laced pigs to some of Negan's gang—one of whom is a SUPER DICK and challenges Ezekiel's top bodyguard. A fight ensues and Ezekiel is warned that if the next payment isn't made on time, and in full, his favorite slab of beefcake will get his noggin bonked by Negan's Lucille. POINT MADE, DICKHEADS. Enjoy your Jimmy Dean sausage!
5) Meanwhile Carol is skulking around ye olde faire stealing supplies to make her great escape. But as she's sneaking out, Ezekiel (sans superfluous tiger) confronts her and admits his stupid Renaissance Faire act is just an act—but explains that he's just doing it because that's what his people want. I have no idea how any sane person could ever come to such a conclusion. He also says he owns a tiger because he used to be a zookeeper. Hey, Walking Dead writing staff? Just admit you love tigers, and wanted one in the show, even though it doesn't make one lick of sense. You'll still get paid the same amount of money for your lazy writing.
6) He then invites Carol to stay... but not stay... by moving into a zombie's house just outside the compound. She agrees, performs a no-cause eviction on the current tenant, and packs away her sweater. AND SO ENDS A WHIMSICAL EDITION OF THE WALKING DEAD.
7) BOOOOOOOOO! That was a shit-ass Halloween edition of The Walking Dead if I ever saw one. Excuse me, guys, but this is supposed to be a HORROR show, right? And the only thing horrifying about this episode was the terrible CG of Tony the Tiger. But maybe he'll later chomp down on Negan's gonads, which would be fun I guess, I don't know.
8) What did you think of that episode? Share your thoughts, if it doth please you, lords and ladies—and until next moon's rise, I bid thee good e'en! Pray, fetch yon ale mistress, would'st thou? Verily I thank thee. [Insert CG roars here.]
