I began reading WOES letter from this week's column with much interest, as it started out a lot like my situation—resentment, disappointment, insecurity. We also both work full-time and have young children, in an otherwise very loving marriage. Where we differ, and what I hope you can address, is my less extreme desires than WOES. I would gladly accept sex 2-3 times per week, instead of once a month. Also, after being rejected at least every other time I initiate, I have just stopped initiating as often as I would prefer. Fortunately I have no issues with masturbation and the requisite use of porn to fill the difference in our libido, unlike WOES. And while our sex is pretty vanilla, we do engage in some foreplay, I always give her oral (and never receive), and unless she is faking, she always orgasms first. I'm sure I'm not the first,...

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I began reading WOES letter from this week's column with much interest, as it started out a lot like my situation—resentment, disappointment, insecurity. We also both work full-time and have young children, in an otherwise very loving marriage. Where we differ, and what I hope you can address, is my less extreme desires than WOES. I would gladly accept sex 2-3 times per week, instead of once a month. Also, after being rejected at least every other time I initiate, I have just stopped initiating as often as I would prefer. Fortunately I have no issues with masturbation and the requisite use of porn to fill the difference in our libido, unlike WOES. And while our sex is pretty vanilla, we do engage in some foreplay, I always give her oral (and never receive), and unless she is faking, she always orgasms first. I'm sure I'm not the first, or last, guy in this situation, but it would sure be nice to be represented by someone other than WOES.

Wife With Low Libido

Like I said to WOES...

[If] you divide household labor like most couples, WOES, your wife is doing more/most of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare...

And like I said to WOES...

Frankly, WOES, once-a-week PIV is more sex than most young straight dads are getting...

And like I said to WOES...

If you expanded your definition of sex, WOES, if your options weren't PIV or nothing, you might not have to masturbate six nights a week. Because if your definition of sex included oral (his and hers), mutual masturbation, and frottage—and if these weren't consolation prizes you settled for, but sex you were enthusiastic about—your wife might say yes to sex more often. Still, you're never going to get it seven nights a week.

And now I'd like to say this to you, WWLL: With young kids, full-time jobs, and the usual stressors and the typical drop in passion/intensity/frequency in LTRs, you're probably not going to get it 2-3 times per week. But you're likelier to get it at least once a week—maybe twice a week every other week, maybe more often than that—if you two aren't thoughtlessly defaulting to sexist roles and expectations that stick your wife with more/most of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare. And just as importantly, WWLL: You're likelier to get more sex if your definition of sex doesn't relegate oral sex to foreplay (something you only do before the PIV) and masturbation to a solitary activity (something you do by yourself when PIV isn't happening), i.e. if your definition of sex isn't "vaginal intercourse."

Talk with your wife about the state of your sex life and your desire to feel more connected to her sexually—not to be milked by her more often, not to be one more goddam thing she has to done that day/week, but more connected to her. Talk about expanding your repertoire to include more low-stress, low-stakes, non-PIV or P-In-Anywhere-Else activities. Because like I said to WOES...

Consider PIV from your wife's perspective: Her husband fucks, comes, and falls asleep. She lies there for a while afterward, tingling, and may have to go to the bathroom once or twice. The PIV that puts her husband to sleep after a long day? It puts off her sleep. And if she wanted to get it over with quickly—because she was exhausted—there wasn't much foreplay, which means she probably wasn't fully lubricated (uncomfortable) and most likely didn't come (unfair). That's a recipe for resentment, WOES, and resentment kills desire. (Or maybe you should think of it this way: If your ass got fucked every time you said yes to sex, WOES, you wouldn't say yes to sex seven nights a week.)

And speaking of WOES and PIV...

I’ve read your column for years in the Chicago Reader. Last week, in response to WOES, you used the acronym “PIV.” I had no idea what PIV meant—don’t recall having seen it ever and there was no reference to the words that make it up. But after rereading your response a couple times I figured it out from its context (the middle word is “in,” right?). So while out and about yesterday, I came across the attached. Timing was perfect as I was still gloating to myself about my detective work to break this code. And, had you known, maybe the car’s owner could been the answer to WOES non-daily PIV conundrum. Anyway, I just thought you’d get a kick out of this too in light of the WOES response. I wouldn’t expect this to be published, but if you do please...

Don’t Acknowledge Name

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