Hey Walking Dead fans! Did you watch last night's episode? Are you happy about the return of Karate Jesus, and wish he had just stared at the camera for an entire episode? Then join me after the jump for a SPOILER-FILLED RECAP of last night's proceedings. Let's get CHITTY-CHATTING!

If the real Jesus had looked as hot as I do, maybe hed still be around.
"If the real Jesus had looked as hot as I do, maybe he'd still be around." Courtesy AMC

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Go Getters."

1) Well, first of all, for an episode titled "Go Getters" this was the least go-getting Walking Dead I've seen in quite a while. And yet? I'm contractually obligated to write a certain number of words about this show, so fuck it, let's do this.

2) I've decided to challenge Carl's Jr. to a game of darts, because HE IS THE WORST. Not sure if that scene where he's trying to plug a dart board and misses by a mile every time is supposed to be intentionally hilarious, but it certainly was. Anyway, Ranger Rick tells sonny-boy that he should stay home while he and the others go scavenging for Negan. Petulance ensues.

3) Meanwhile over at the Hilltop, Maggie is awake and because of some television miracle, did not lose her baby following Negan's attack. She's instructed by the doc to stay there until the baby is born, but Hilltop leader and coward of the county Gregory says "Unh-unh, no way." Enter smokin' hot Karate Jesus! He looks at Gregory, Maggie, and Sasha with those bottomless blue eyes and says... well, actually I can't remember what he said because I fell into his bottomless blue eyes. (If the real Jesus had looked like this guy, I could better understand how Christianity got started.)

4) Late that night, the Saviors pulled a mean prank: They flung open the gates, set a lot of bonfires, and used a super cool AMC Gremlin to blast music and attract a horde of zombies. And I think Karate Jesus and Sasha fought them off, but all I remember is Maggie driving a huge tractor over that sweet-ass Gremlin and smashing it, making me squeal in frustrated pain! CAN YOU GET ANY WORSE, 2016??

Rest in peace, sweet Gremlin.
Rest in peace, sweet Gremlin.

5) The next day the Saviors pay a visit, and Sasha and Maggie hide in a closet waiting for that coward dickhead Gregory to give them up. Sure enough he cracks and points them to a closet—but PSYCH! Dreamy Karate Jesus hid them in a totally different closet! Oh you are as clever as you are beautiful, Karate Jesus. Maggie slaps the shit out of Gregory for some reason... I dunno... I was drowning in a pool of Karate Jesus eyeballs. Maggie basically says she's gonna take over as the new leader of Hilltop, and sends Karate Jesus on a secret mission to find Negan's hideout. LUCILLE, DON'T YOU DARE GET NEAR KARATE JESUS, HE'S ALL I HAVE TO LIVE FOR!!

6) Meanwhile back at the Alexandria ranch, One-Eyed Carl's Jr. catches Enid climbing the fence, who says she's going to check on Maggie at the Hilltop. Carl's Jr. advises against it, and Enid is like, "Why should I listen to anybody who can't play darts worth a crap?" And she leaves. Naturally Carl's Jr. follows, dispatches a couple of zombies for Enid, and then finds a couple pair of roller skates which they use to travel to Hilltop and look all romantical. (Note: Carl's Jr. can't skate worth a shit either.)

7) Enid sneaks into the Hilltop, because apparently it's super easy, and as Negan's men load up their trucks filled with Hilltop's stolen booty, Karate Jesus hops on to one of the moving trucks and finds One-Eyed Carl's Jr. hiding there too! Karate Jesus does a good job of not looking super disappointed.

8) Annnnnd fin. Seriously that was some lackluster Walking Dead shit, right there. But like I said, maybe something interesting happened and I just didn't notice because Karate Jesus' eyes were looking right through me, killing me softly with his song, singing my whole life with his words, killing me softly... with his soooooooooong.

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9) What did YOU think of that episode? Leave your comments in the comments, and I'll see you in a few weeks when the Walking Dead returns after their holiday break. And all I have to add? Somebody better replace that goddamn Gremlin! (SOB! That was worse than what happened to Glenn and Abraham combined!!)