My wife and I got our 12-year-old daughter an iPhone, so we know where she is and she can call for help if she needs it. Recently, however, she left it at a McDonald's—and didn't tell us. Two days later, we were able to recover the phone. What's an appropriate way to impress upon her that she needs to keep track of her phone, and let us know immediately if she misplaces it?—Texting Dad in Northwest Portland

Your inept child's punishment is that you get to pick her ringtone and text tone for one (1) year. Pick something super embarrassing, and—as someone who knows practically nothing about children or their psychology or if children even have psychologies—I definitely think you should change it up every few weeks so she never gets used to it. Also, call and text her constantly whenever she is out with friends. She will either learn her goddamn lesson or she will stop taking her phone to McDonald's. So that'd be good, probably, because I think I read something about kids getting too much screen time these days? I wouldn't know, as I don't have any. I also think I might have seen something about kids eating too much junk food? Like at McDonald's? Wow. You're really doing a bang-up job.

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