...not share that aspect of our life with our very Mormon families. Our closest friends know. My current girlfriend is very polyamorous as well. And came out to her family. That was a mixed bag of awesome, and bad. Her family is significantly more liberally minded for the most part.

It was really amazing to be able to live out loud, meet her sister, and her mother, and to be openly polyamorous. It’s something I crave, and from what I can tell, my wife craves to be able to be openly polyamorous. Yet all three of us are pretty terrified about how our very Mormon families will react. And we’ve currently decided to wait to come out until more time has passed between my leaving Mormonism. Also, my wife is currently employed by her non-Mormon conservative step-brother. And we’re concerned about possible financial fallout because of his conservative demeanor and his close proximity to his very Mormon mother. I realize we could be trumping up these fears. But again they could be very real.

I go to see a therapist on a weekly basis and have been discussing these issues with her. She seems just supportive of me self-determining. And from the videos and articles I've read from you, it seems that you have a nuanced feeling about when the appropriate time is to come out. And I apologize for any offensive language I've used in describing these things. I feel like I am waking up from a lot of years of being asleep as a practicing Mormon. And there are a lot of mind fucks I'm experiencing. Hence the struggle with when is the right time to make our families aware of how ok we are with polyamory. We want to be genuinely poly, not just using it as an excuse to explore our sexuality. Because multiple committed loving relationships really seems to work for us.

I suppose in some ways it’s very ironic that a former Mormon is fretting about when and how to tell his Mormon family, given their strong past with polygamy. But of course, polyamory and Mormon polygamy are two completely different beasts. One was patriarchal, and domineering, while the other is about honesty, facing fears, and sharing love. And of course, Mormons from my experience have no problem with huge amounts of cognitive dissonance, and hypocrisy.

Thanks for being a loud advocate and setting a good example for those of us still trying to figure out how to share our voice.

Ex-Mormon Lovingly Discloses Exciting Relationships

People come to me with all sorts of problems that can't be fixed. ("My girlfriend broke up with me because I lied, I cheated, I spent all day sitting on the couch playing video games, I refused to help with the housework or get a job or help pay for rent or food or utilities. How do I get her to take me back, Dan?" Or, "He said he'd leave his wife for me but it's been eight years and he and his wife just had another kid and no longer returns my calls and I'm beginning to think he's never going to leave her. If I can get him on the phone, what can I say to finally get him to leave his wife?" Or, "You are not allowed to not like beards, Dan.") Letter writers often don't know what they want—or know on some level that what they want is impossible—and too many have made a series of terrible choices they want me to retroactively justify and somehow make it all better. With advice magic. But in your case, ELDER, I'm struck by how self-aware and self-possessed you are. You know what you want. You're making it happen. And you're benefiting from all the values I'm always pimping in this column (yes, rightwing fuckwits, I do, in fact, have values): communication, leaving people in better shape than you found them, and, of course, GGG'ing your way to a satisfying/rewarding/awsome-ish sex life.

My first suggestion for you all, ELDER, is to have patience. As you said, you're waking up from "a lot of years of being asleep as a practicing Mormon," and "there are a lot of mind fucks" you're experiencing. You only left the church twelve measly months ago. You're growing into a new identity—after letting go of an identity assigned to you by a dead huckster and an accident of birth—but that shit takes time. Take it slow, keep thinking and processing, don't assume you've already discovered the brand of poly works for you, and continue to appreciate and laugh about the irony of being a straight guy who has to worry about how his Mormon family will react to the whole "I have two female partners" thing.

And long before coming out to your families, ELDER, you'll want to ensure that all of you are on the same page. You say that (from what you can tell) your wife craves to be openly poly with her family, but you'll want to be 100%, she-said-it-with-her-own-words-right-to-your-face-lotsa-times-and-not-just-because-it-was-what-her-husband-wanted-to-hear sure that's the case before blurting anything out to any family. When you do decide to come out (together), an e-blast or Facebook status update i not the right move. Tell people individually, face-to-face, because it's much harder to reject a loved one when they're sitting in front of you and patiently answering your questions.(Some asshole families manage, however.)

Coming out to your families as poly will probably be another "mixed bag of awesome, and bad," just like coming out is a mixed bag for gay, lesbian, and bi folks. So start building a life that'll withstand a "possible financial fallout," which means your wife may wanna consider looking for work that isn't policed by her conservative step-brother. Depending on where you all live (and what shape our country is in by the time you all come out), there may be few/fewer workplace protections if he decides to fire your wife based on his precious religious beliefs.

Another Ex-Mormon wrote me last week with suggestions for helping those who've left the church. I'm sure you know these groups already, ELDER, but here's the letter just in case:

The ex-Mormon community in Utah is increasingly strong as more and more people leave the church and manage to connect with each other via the Internet.

First off, there's the Underground Handcart Company (a play on the Underground Railroad and the various handcart companies that crossed the Great Plains during the Mormon migration). They're a nonprofit, volunteer outfit. Their Facebook page is here. And their main page here. Second, the largest online ex-Mormon community is currently on Reddit.

We've all got our wounds from the church, which is easily the most sex-negative (among other things) major denomination in the United States. Most of us are eager to help protect and heal others from that same damage when we can.