Do you have any advice on how to develop healthy sexual boundaries when you have a long history of people not letting you?
I was sexually abused by a relative starting when I was a child and continuing until I was fourteen. My first relationship wasn't until after I finished college, and it wasn't a healthy one. I've dated a little since then, but not much, mostly because: (1) pretty much no one is interested in me and (2) frankly, I'm not sure I'm healthy enough to be dating these days.
As a fat, disabled, gay trans guy, I pretty much feel like my options are to either not have sex at all or to have casual sex with guys who it often turns out don't treat me well. I don't think there's anything wrong with having casual sex, and it has sometimes...
Haunted, Unlucky, Recovering Trans Individual Needs Guidance
P.S. Talking to a counsellor about at least some of this seems like the obvious answer, but that's currently not something I can afford, nor have I ever been able to find someone I could talk to about this stuff who has been helpful instead of judgmental or traumatizing. I live in Vancouver, if that’s helpful to know.
This should be obvious, HURTING, but it bears repeating: abuse is never the victim’s fault. Abuse can take on many forms, from sexual to emotional to financial. Overcoming abuse is a struggle, and asking for help—even from some dumb fag with a sex-advice column—is a step in the right direction.
Learning to identify abuse and its warning signs—learning to spot those red flags—is one of the main ways you can set healthy sexual and emotional boundaries. If you’re not already connected with Qmunity, they’re the LGBTQ+ Resource Centre in Vancouver and they’re skilled at helping trans folks identify abusive behavior. They’ve even published a really helpful and thorough resource on relationship safety. Their booklet is extensive, easy-to-read, and packed with resources for folks living in the Vancouver area.
A couple of sparknotes:
Examples of Abuse:
Abuse specific to trans* folk may include when someone does the following:
Criticizes, limits, or ridicules their partner’s gender expression
Interferes with a partner’s access to trans* communities
Refuses to have safer sex (such as saying “if you really loved me, you wouldn’t want me to wear a condom”)
Treats their partner as a sexual object rather than as a person, based on one aspect of them, such as their abilities, weight, trans* identity, cultural background, sexual orientation, or classWarning Signs
If someone behaves in the following ways, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll be abusive in a relationship, but these behaviours can be reasons for you to be cautious.
Pressuring a partner to move in together or make other commitments, such as sharing finances early in the relationship
Making unreasonable demands of a partner’s time, such as calling multiple times a day
Undermining a partner’s other relationships, such as accusing supportive friends of “making trouble between us”
If you ever feel unsafe, HURTING, you're not obligated to wait for your partner or hookup to tick some or all of the abuser boxes to justify getting the fuck away from them. If you feel unsafe, GTFO. Some people feel they can't GTFO—they feel trapped—because they fear being physically attacked if they attempt to leave. Safety first. But remember: if you're with a hookup and fear being attacked if you say you want to leave, you can make up an excuse, fake an illness, wait for your hookup to use the bathroom, shit your pants, start a small fire—GTFO, in other words, at your earliest and safest opportunity, recognizing that you may need to create an opportunity/distraction that allows you to escape.
If you're hooking up with people who are selfish assholes—not abusers, just jerks—and agreeing to do whatever they want because shit sex with someone who treats you like shit sounds better than no sex at all, well, that's just not true. Consensual-but-shitty sex that leaves you feeling awful afterwards isn't worth it. Painful experience has taught you that, right? If you feel tempted to do whatever someone else wants because they're telling you—or you're telling yourself—that you can't do better, don't believe it. Solo sex is better than shitty partnered sex.
And if you hookup with someone who violates your consent—someone who ignores what you agreed to and initiates something violent, i.e. someone who rapes you—please consider reporting them to the police. Understandably, there are many reasons why people don’t report abuse to the cops, especially trans people. The history of police violence and the exclusion of trans people from public services makes many trans folks understandably reluctant. But, HURTING, the good news is you live in Vancouver, and there are lots of trans-friendly resources available to you—people who can help you, and stand by you, should you decide to go to the authorities.
Beyond Qmunity, another good place to check out may be the BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse, which offers support groups and individual counseling. The group is gender inclusive and trans-friendly. While there are costs associated with these services, there is some room for sliding scale payments. Trans Care BC could be a good resource, too, and you can connect with them directly through the form located here. While it may not be applicable to your situation, the Sexual Assault Support Centre at the University of British Columbia offers support groups, crisis and emotional support, advocacy and resources for UBC students, staff and folks with a connection to the university. They serve folks of all genders and operate within a gender inclusive framework.
Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.
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