Hey! Did you people see last night's episode of The Walking Dead? You know, the one where Morgan did the hmmm-hmmm to hmmm-mmm? Then join me after the jump where I will explain all the hmmm-hmmms in my SPOILER-FILLED recap. LET'S GET CHITTY-CHATTING!
Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Bury Me Here."
1) We open on King Ezekial and his Lazer Tag team—well... that's what they look like—loading up a single melon... that's carefully put in a single box, that's meticulously strapped down to the truck. Hey, here's an idea. WHY NOT JUST CARRY THE STUPID CANTALOUPE?? People post-Apocalypse are stoopid.
2) Carol shows up at the Kingdom to ask Morgan about what happened at Alexandria—even though she specifically wanted to keep her nose out of it, and hide away in her secret cabin knitting sweaters for cold chickens. (She doesn't actually do that, but I just read an article talking about how this is something Portland retirees are doing, apparently unaware that they're embarrassing us. DEAR PORTLAND RETIREES: CHECK OUT PETANQUE.) Anyway, Morgan's like, "Nope, not gonna. Go ask Daryl—YOUR BOYYYYYFRIEND—if you're so curious." She does not.
3) Morgan is teaching Benjamin's brother how to stick fight, which is CLUE #1 that Benjamin is not long for this world. Benjamin then asks Carol to follow her around so he can learn how to murder zombies. She says no, and this is CLUE #2 that Benjamin is not long for this world. Benjamin also gives Morgan a painting which is CLUE #... GODDAMMIT, WD WRITERS. Can you PUH-LEEZE learn some subtlety?
4) Meanwhile, Lazer Tag player Richard has a scheme for tricking King Ezekial into going to war with the Saviors (which is dumb and convoluted and involves shopping carts). On their way to giving the Saviors all their sweet melons, they are stopped by (Richard's) shopping cart blockade, where he takes the opportunity to hide one of the melons. He then leads them to his own grave that he dug earlier, to which King E declares, "Huh, people are weird." (How did Richard think that they were going to put two and two together and bury him in this grocery store hole? Uggggh, frustrating.) Anyway, the gang meets the Saviors who notice they are one melon short. The Saviors take away their guns, and the boss tells Rat-face Asshole to make them pay. He points his gat at Richard—which is exactly what he wants—but then for reasons known only to Rat-Face Asshole, he shoots Benjamin right in the femoral artery. Ouch, that's gonna leave a mark.
5) Rat-Face Asshole is scolded, the Saviors leave, and the Lazer Tag gang rush Benjamin to Carol's so she can feel like shit for not bringing him along with her earlier. He dies anyway, and Morgan is PISSED. (Probably because he didn't notice CLUES #1-3.) He coincidentally stumbles upon Richard's stolen melon, and using his Sherlock Morgan powers of deduction, figures out Richard's plan and confronts him with it. Richard is all like, "Yeah, that was unfortunate. But the killing time is coming, so you need to get with the program." He then explains another aspect of his convoluted plan which is to tell the Saviors that the Lazer Tags are really on their side in order to gain their trust, and then BLAMMO! Attack and murder the shit out of them. ONCE AGAIN THIS MAKES NO SENSE, since they already had the Saviors trust until Richard started fucking shit up with his convoluted plans, and... OH NEVER MIND. Let's move on to item #6,
6) King E loads up the single melon we saw in item #1 into the truck (instead of simply carrying it) and the Lazer Tag gang go to meet the Saviors. Just before they arrive, Morgan stage whispers to Richard, asking if he's going to tell the King what he did, and Richard stage whispers back to shut the eff up, and the King is like, "What is UP with all the stage whispering?" The Saviors arrive, and when Richard approaches them, Morgan sticks the shit out of Richard and strangles him to death (while everyone just stands around doing nothing and murmuring, "Dude. That's kind of harsh"). He then tells the Saviors about Richard's plan and explains this is why they can trust him. Meanwhile Ghost Richard is watching all this from a cloud up in heaven and yelling, "Hey! Morgan totally snaked my plan!!"
7) Morgan goes on a zombie murder spree, then tells Carol how Glenn and Abraham were killed by Negan. She's like, "OH HELL NO," and tells Morgan to stay while she marches over to King E to tell him it's time to go to war. The episode ends with Morgan sharpening his staff into a murder-y pointy thing. AND LET'S CHAT ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND. I've said on multiple occasions that Morgan's staff is too blunt to be stabbing zombies in the head, and yet the WD writers have him doing it all the time. I just want everyone to recognize that I was right, and they were WRONG. You can send this recognition to steve@ portlandmercury.com.
8) Annnnnnd FIN. So despite all the ham-handed clues and lack of zombie-killing physics, this was a very nicely acted episode, focusing on two of the series finest characters, Morgan and Carol. (Let's just say it, the guy who plays Rick kinda sucks.) Anyway, WHAT DID YOU THINK? We're heading toward a season-ending Negan showdown, so sharpen up your blunt, useless staffs and join me again next week! Mmmmmmm-wah!
