Hey everybody! Did you watch last night's [ANNOYING] episode of The Walking Dead? Awesome. Then by all means, get annoyed all over again with my SPOILER-FILLED recap after the jump! Let's get re-annoyed together!
Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "The Other Side."
1) Welcome back to the Hilltop, where we find Maggie checking up on her unborn fetus, madly scribbling battle plans as Enid serves her fruit, and chitty-chatting with Sexy Karate Jesus who admits he's GAY you know, so what, NBD, super casual. I was going to put up a poll asking everybody (including you straight people) if you would smash that, but the answer would undoubtedly be OH HELL YEAH I'D SMASH THAT. Meanwhile Daryl is too busy sulking around to even contemplate smashing that.
2) Meanwhile Sasha is too busy stealing bullets from Sexy Karate Jesus to contemplate smashing that, and is thiiiiiis close to telling Maggie about her and Sgt. McSexy's plans to assassinate Negan when... SURPRISE! The Saviors pop by for a visit. So they grab their assassination supplies and take off into the woods, while Maggie and Daryl hide in the cellar from a snoopy Savior. After a few (un)tense minutes, the Savior leaves, and Daryl tearfully apologizes for getting Glenn killed. Maggie's like, "It ain't no thing but a chicken wing!" and convinces Daryl to dry his crybaby tears and fight in her war. Meanwhile, Smarmy Savior is chatting with Governor Gregory, who has his nose so far up this Savior's ass they have to hire a tow truck to pull him out. As it turns out, the Saviors are there to take their doctor, since they threw their own into a smelting oven. Ooopsie! (Just a quick note here that Governor Gregory is going to die horribly in the near future, and none of us can wait.)
3) Meanwhile Sasha and Sgt. McSexy travel to Negan's compound to pull off some sweet sniper action, but bicker the entire way because male writers love putting women in competitive situations, especially if they're fighting over a man. SNORE. Anyway, we learn that the reason Sgt. McSexy knows all her cool tricks is that she picked them up over years of hopping from b-friend to b-friend in order to be able to stand on her own two feet. While trying to take a shot at Negan, the gals noticed that Eugene is there, and in a managerial position. McSexy's all like, "Oh, he's working some angle." And we're all like, "SNORT! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! No."
4) When Sasha and McSexy run up to the fence, they try to free Eugene—but he's all like, "Boo hoo hoo! But I have pretty girls to watch me play video games now, and pickles!" And he runs away, possibly to alert the others. THIS IS EXACTLY WHEN THE GALS SHOULD HAVE HIGH-TAILED IT OUT OF THERE. But instead, Sasha lets herself into the fence, and closes it after her—because McSexy is "more needed" because of her skill set, while obviously no one could ever need an expert sniper in a war situation? WHAAAAAAT??? ANNOYING. Let's pause for a moment to discuss something that's IRL.
5) IRL: Maybe you haven't heard but Sonequa Martin-Green AKA "Sasha" has been cast as the lead in the upcoming CBS Star Trek series, which is not filming in Atlanta (Walking Dead land)—so is this clumsy, nonsensical plot line a way to kill Sasha off so she can be free to seek out new worlds, and boldy go where no Black woman (for sure-shies) has gone before? I guess we'll see. In any case, THIS PLOT DEVICE IS STOOPID AND ANNOYING AND MAKES NO SENSE. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
6) Then! When McSexy turns to take off, we see a shadowy figure carrying a crossbow watching her. Is it Daryl who tracked them down, and will help her get back to camp? Or is it Sexy Karate Jesus who will eschew his love of hot men to do some BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW-WOW with Sgt. McSexy? Maybe it will be a threesome? Okay, going to masturbate, BRB.
7) Phew, that was fun. Okay, that's that episode, SO WHAT DID YOU THINK? Shut up, I'm talking first, that was ANNOYING. The entire episode seems like it was written by a giant thumb using an online "Clumsy Script Writing" generator. Fuck this shit, let's just forget it every happened. Except for the previously mentioned threesome that lives forever in my imagination. Two episodes left in this season, you guys! LET'S GET THIS WAR GOING! See you next week.